Young Writers Society

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

Wow, this was such a moving story. You have this ability to create a different world through your simple words. In fact, that is what I liked best about the story - it's simplicity. You took us inside this woman's head and you walked us through her memories, her sadness, her grief and her longing to see her husband again. I liked how she fell down and got up, how she stumbled and found her ground again. It is reminiscent of life and how we go through a similar journey of stumbling and falling and getting up again. I also appreciate you including the different memories of dancing with her husband as it gives us a glimpse of their relationship and helps us understand her grief better. I loved the ending and that moment when she reflected that their son somewhat resembled her husband. Maybe she will find hope and happiness again, while dancing with her son.

I have some suggestions though. The first paragraph is way too long. It comes off as this big block of text and it not only scares off readers but it makes it a little difficult to follow as well, especially since it is the very first paragraph. You should consider breaking it uup into smaller paragraphs. It will make the text even more presentable.

Also, I noticed how you jumped straight into the woman's mind right from the second line. While there is nothing wrong with that, it would work better if you set up the scene first. Describe her surroundings and then explore her mental state. You took so much care in describing the thoughts and emotions of the woman, but you shied away from the other descriptions.

He would laugh with me at my first mistakes and gently corrected me until we moved as one.

Right off the bat I'd like to appreciate your ability to build an atmosphere. Those opening sentences are everything, so it often surprises me when a writer has the ability to build an atmosphere, a specific feeling deep within the reader, within just a couple of words. Your descriptions are very unique, but not too depthy, which is something I can appreciate (being someone who hated books like Harry Potter, etc.), although I would say setting the scene a bit more before moving abruptly on to character emotions would not have done any harm.

The character's feelings are portrayed in a highly personal, dramatic manner that feels realistic in the sense of inner reflection. You continue to build the atmosphere alongside the character's personality, which is very interesting as it may suggest how the character's feelings represent the energies around her.

The whole story depicts grieving very well, so I am in total favor of the writing style and choice to use first person. It isn't something overly dramatic, like the character is crying her eyes out or something, nothing cheesy like that; the whole story uses this overlying tone of melancholy and nostalgia of previous relationships. That specific melancholic tone blends well with the setting and atmosphere, especially when the character's son appears.

Sometimes, we just need someone to lift us out of our depressions or grievances, and I think the part where her son emerges sort of emphasizes this metaphor. Even though her husband is long gone, and she may be processing that through the text, she is still mourning the death and likely has not moved on yet. Someone needed to step in and help her back to her feet, help her move on, which means figuring out how to live without that person, NOT forgetting them.

Overall, this story depicts grief very well, so 10/10

This story has a very nice bittersweet tone to it!

Things you did well:

-it has strong imagery, I can clearly picture in my mind the woman dancing and can feel her longing and loneliness.

-I liked how you sprinkled in little details of her life before. For example: "We would dance anywhere we felt like it. At the park during a late afternoon picnic, in the silence of falling snow, or in our tiny living room with the ancient phonograph playing out-of-tune in the corner." It gave the story a much more powerful emotional impact, as the reader knows what she has lost and how joyful her life was before.


Things that could be improved:

-the first paragraph needs a bit more structure to it; there should be paragraph breaks somewhere in there, perhaps after "And how to dance." and "The foamy waves lapped gently at my feet as I first leaped in the sand, then into the water, then back to the sand." This would make it less like a big block of text.

Thank you for sharing this story, I really liked the concept behind it!

This is a very heartfelt story that really touched me, deeply. The protagonist reminices about her beloved who has been lost by war, a very tragic end. I loved how you described her moving in the sand and yet looking her balance only to not give up and try again, mesmerized by the mental image of Edward, guiding her patiently. I liked his advice, to dance from the heart and then the body would follow. I loved how in the end she got to dance with her son and sort of swept places with Edward, being just as gentle a teacher. Yet it is bittersweet, because she does not get to dance with Edward but with their beloved child instead. I also loved your descriptions such as "the foamy waves lapping gently at her feet". It is a very beautiful if a bit bittersweet story.