Okay, so your rhyme is good, it makes sense. But, your flow between rhymes is off sometimes.
So, you're second line is a little off, but it's a good scene. Well done. Try removing the word try, it throws off the line. In some meter analysis: You go from unstressed to stress over and over, but you add a 3rd stress with to then it alternates making it sound bad. You do the same thing in the fourth line with the word finger. It goes away if you speed up after the extra stress. Either way, if you want it spoken well for most people, you should learn how to balance the stresses. I recommend buying an epic poem and doing meter analysis on it. Try to read the poem in different ways and keep doing stresses and unstresses.
In the second stanza I would change the words plead and pleas and pain, because they're throwing off the idea. They add meaning to the poem, plead does not mean ask for, but it's also asking for something in a desperate way. It makes sense but it doesn't flow because you used in desperation before. Pleading is desperation. Maybe it's the redundancy.
Points: 625
Reviews: 286
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