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by yosh

A/n: please review this mess of a poem. i might have over dramatized it, im not even going to try to lie bout that, but hopefully, the idea was kind of interesting????

t/w: blood

a storm rages right outside my window,
i press my face against the freezing glass,
it’s cold, cold, cold, but outside, i see the battlefield
a stalemate between the ice, the rain, the hail, the wind

it’s thrilling, exciting, amazing to watch,
they smash against the glass, the walls, the trees, the earth
i shiver with delight, i love the battlefield
they never stop to take breaks, they just keep fighting, fighting, fighting

it’s exciting to see them quarrel,
though i know they must be tired.
i’m sure they’re very tired of fighting all the time
but they can’t stop until the storm says so
and the storm never ends

it never ends

a storm rages inside my mind
it’s nothing like the uncontrollable, uncontained storm outside
perhaps because i’ve learned to control it, contain it.
the tempest inside me screams at me at night
it tells me that i can continue, that i can keep going,

at what point did i begin to wake up before the sun?
at what point did this horrible battle begin?
this storm of blades and blood, where i am just a mere soldier
amidst a thousand other mere soldiers

we climb up a mountain of corpses
together, hand in hand,
until our hands are no longer free,
and instead, we clutch bayonets tightly between our fingers.

but day by day they slowly disappear
they battle with each other, fist to fist, blade to blade
and collapse onto the mountain of corpses
each of them washed away by the storm

now it’s me and only me
i continue trudging forward,
pushing myself up the slope,
clutching a bloody bayonet in my hands

perhaps this bayonet is my only friend
soaked in the blood of each of my companions
and the tears of every battle
and the debris of the never-ending storm

finally, the summit is near
is the battle finally over, the storm finally ending?
i reach the top of the mountain,
and look down at my feet

and i cry
and its cold
and it hurts
and im alone

im sure someone has noticed
i hope they pity me
i hope they’re sad for me
but i know that isn’t true

perhaps they’ve been watching, they’ve been watching all along
this battlefield, this storm of thousands upon thousands of soldiers
they watch this storm excitedly, laughing at the thrill of the fight
they’re just pressing their faces against the window

Is this a review?



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17 Reviews

Points: 49
Reviews: 17

Tue May 02, 2023 9:07 am
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HB1103 wrote a review...

Hey there! Here's my review:

First of all, your poem is great! I love the sensory details and imagery used to describe the storm outside, which is the first positive I'm going to mention.

Your use of personification in describing the storm outside as a battlefield adds lots of depth and intensity to the imagery. The language used to describe the storm is also captivating, with words like "thrilling," "exciting," and "amazing" emphasizing the speaker's fascination with the natural elements. Good, good.

Another positive aspect is the way your poem explores the internal struggles and battles that people face. The metaphor of the storm as a battle within the speaker's mind is a powerful one, conveying the emotional turmoil and chaos that can be experienced in times of stress and conflict.

It's great how your poem also touches on themes of loneliness and isolation, which I'm sure many people can relate to.

It was difficult for me to find anything that you can try and improve but the ending sort of feels a bit abrupt and could use some more resolution. Perhaps adding a few lines to tie everything together and provide closure would help enhance the overall impact of the poem.

Also, the repetition of "fighting, fighting, fighting" in the third stanza, for example, can become monotonous.

Anyways, this is a really captivating and powerful poem you made.

Good job!

- HB

yosh says...

tysm for the review! <3

User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 87
Reviews: 5

Tue May 02, 2023 1:54 am
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AllyHowell wrote a review...

This is really good! The imagery and descriptions are astonishing to me. I think that it feels like the perfect balance of dramatic and bloody. It really dives deep into the details in the best way possible. I don't usually like violent writing like this, but this poem is just super captivating. Also, I'm not sure if this was intentional, but something about having each sentence start with a lowercase letter just drives home the overall feel of the poem.

yosh says...

thanks for the review <33333

"My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
— A.A. Milne