Chasing down the wind

Haha, so this is very confusing, but I still see some great imagery and it's vivid even though it's blurry Cailey grasped most of the confusing stuff that could be cleared out and my only other nitpick is the structure... Icebender said that the off-flow kindof flowed, and maybe she's right but I still think this piee is too massive, it's all bucked up in a big square... that sounds weird... I mean, I'd like some space to breath in. All your lines are very long, and they could all be divided into two lines, example, the first part;

"She walks with the procession, feet shackled to an invisible drumbeat.
I chase her like a rainbow chases burning starlight in a golden field." This could be structure like this;

"She walks with the procession,
feet shackled to an invisible drumbeat.
I chase her like a rainbow chases -
burning starlight in a golden field."

Or something like that, and if you do it like this, you could also divide your text into, for example four-lined stanzas and add even more breathing space.

Overall, I liked this, I can feel underlying very strong emotions, but the blurryness and confuse makes it a bit unclear ^^

The end line is beautiful though!

I keep mumbling... Now I'm done, so here's your grade; You get 3½/5 icky, sticky spiders for this... for now


Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

You said to rip this up, so I will try, even though I'm not great at ripping. Bear with me, ok? And, by the way, you succeeded with being confusing, I really felt like this was a children's book with some of the pages torn out. I definitely think this would be a great kids' book if you could figure out your plot better and make it much more clear.

She walks with the procession, feet shackled to an invisible drumbeat.Like the detail, gives me an eerie sort of mental picture.
I chase her like a rainbow chases burning starlight in a golden field.Random... I didn't know rainbows chased burning starlight? But anyway, it sounds very impresive and destroys the eeire picture of shakled prisoners from the first line.
My feet are torn and bloody, shot through with an ounce of preventable ill. Illness in your feet?
On and on she goes, stopping for the monster, leaving without her shoes.I'm very confused by the shoes. What does that have to do with anything? And I thought she was walking in procession, why is she now stopping and who is the monster?
I am the fine hero, I carry a blunted sword and a shield of glass.Love the irony.
My boots are made of the whistling grasses, my helmet is of straw.Your irony continues strongly, makes me laugh.
She looks to the grave and offers me the sun's burning brightness.I have no clue what you mean by this line.
Cream melts into a puddle on the floor, too beautiful to bother.What is with all your references to cream? And how is melted cream beautiful?
She pulled my shoes off and tossed my bullets to the truth.So, is she marching, or totally obedient to a monster or pulling off your shoes?
I kissed her goodnight and left her in the ravine, alone with her elephant.Elephant? Here is when you started to get too random for it to even be remotely relevant.
I am no hero, my head is full of yarn, my body made of coal.Now the character realizes he's a failure, because of kissing her? What made him come to this realization?
My steed is made of rotted pine my fighting arm is torn from me.Now you're starting to describe the "hero" too much. We get the point that he isn't a real hero.
She holds my armor for me should I fight her for it.Don't get it.
My pocket is full of melted cream, I bite a piece and try to swallow.How can you bite it if it's melted?
She leaves my armor in a heap to deal with better things.Good ending!

Hi there!

This is a good poem. Like iceblender said, I liked the confusing aspect of this poem. When I was reading through it there were parts where I just stared at it and said, "Huh?" But those were the parts that made me want to keep reading. The way I see it, poems are supposed to be something that takes forever to analyze and it only means something to the author. You know what I mean? Anyway, this flows really well too and I couldn't find any spelling or grammer errors.

Overall, good job with this. Keep writing!

I liked it! The confusing-ness worked for me, actually, and the off-flow kind of flowed, if that makes sense. It made me laugh a little bit, because I got so confused! In a good way!
Anyways, so overall a good poem!
Keep writing!

This poem was okay, but it could use some work.
The way you described the story is in the view of 1st person which makes the reader look from your point of view.
I understood the first parts of the poem but I didn't understand the last part. The part about her holding the character's armor which I guess could be symbolic for something.This poem has good detail but you should clarify some parts so people will be able to understand it.
That is all,Cardigan Boy~!!!!