Gradual Storms
Driving in the clear and silent night,
watching the western horizon flicker,
highlighting fluffy storm clouds.
At home, rain, starts as a light pitter patter,
almost comes to a stop,
then winds bring the glowing, sparking clouds,
and the rain dots the sidewalk.
I enjoy the simple sound,
from the safety of the windowsill.
The slap of water on concrete, then
the low unsuspecting rumble
rolls over the curve of the earth.
The volume increases until
the mountains are crumbling down,
and the sound of boulders breaking,
echo through this dark landscape.
The rain rushes to the ground,
swelling and flooding the streets.
The distant high-pitched plink
of water draining to the sewers
joins the chorus of watery melodies.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, Yoha!
This is a truly fantastic poem, a great example of "show not tell," or in your case, "hear not...tell?" XD. I actually disagree with Snoink about the first stanza, though. It sort of sets the stone for the poem, and its actually quite nice with the "fluffy storm clouds" description in there. It lets us know what we're in for.
By the way, loved the last line.
Gah, Yoha! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU AND YOUR AWESOME POEMS!
Also! This line:
Anyway! I think the first stanza is unnecessary, so I would cut that out.
the mountains are crumbling down
I don't like the passive voice here... I would probably change it to "crumble down" without the "are." I think it would be a lot smoother.
But I loved your description of a thunderstorm here.
I like how descriptive you were, as you can actually see what is happening in your head. It really relates to alot if not everyone, because we have experienced that at some point. I dont know why but I like the word plink for some reason. I don't know why, guess it's just another good example of word selection.
Hello Yoha!
This is really good! I really like your use of description and the subject matter, very inventive!
Ok, so I have a couple of suggestions that you could use if you wanted to...
You could use ground here instead of sidewalk and then you would have a half-rhyme with cloud which may help the flow.
You could also use some enjambment when the rain begins to fall because it would help to show that rush of water as it crashes down.
I would also have loved some metaphors or similes to enhance your descriptions, they would really bring out what you are trying to say.
Other than this though, I really liked it. I loved the subject and how you tackled it.
My favorite part!
Well Done,
Keep Writing,
~Lydia