Glowing in the Unknown
Glowing conceited
where are we going?
When rain gives us time and percussion,
clouds take our light and removes us
from the earth to which our feet
have grown accustomed.
Time stretches through the sphere
across the matter between here
and lightyears, to planets beyond
what our imaginations comprehend now.
Colors divide the time and the touch
and listening gives us the hint
that something else is moving us.
Elation extends to the end and
a fall follows what we know,
handing our corporeal existence
to the biggest question unknown.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
That's an interesting image. Perhaps a bit too interesting, since I can't really visualize anything for it, and you don't really elaborate upon this particular phrase. As a result, it feels quite empty, and the only emotion it elicits is confusion and a sneaking suspicion that you perhaps intended "growing" in place of "glowing".
This image here is quite nice, and it's my favorite in the entire poem, partially because it's so easy to visualize/hear/feel, and partly because I love the rain.
There's a tense shift here with "removes" which really pushed me out of the poem. Granted, I'm a bit more sensitive to tense shifts than most people, but the tense shift adds another layer of confusion on top of the "glowing conceited" image, in addition to making that sneaking suspicion of mistaken word usage a little less sneaky.
The rest of the poem, while not bad, was pretty meh. I got the impression it was trying too hard to be meaningful and spectacular. It doesn't fail, but it doesn't succeed, mainly because a lot of the images used are too abstract or nonspecific. If you were to incorporate more tangible images like the rain line, this poem would be much more vivid and stronger for it. Right now, there's nothing to help the reader stay anchored within the ideas of the poem, and so they wind up drifting away.