Hello there! Jay here, come to review this as per your request. Sorry it took me so long! I had state testing and was a little caught up in everything. (My life is a little hectic at the moment.) But I'm here now, thanks to summer vacation!
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"No idea, I thought there would be someone to greet us,” replied Marthan as he slung his duffel bag over his shoulder while he scanned the room with his dark brown eyes.
There are a couple things with this. First off, after he said "No idea", there should be a period--not a comma.
Then there's the second sentence. It feels a little choppy and repetitive to me. . . How do I explain this. . . . . . . Hmm. . . Saying "as he" then "while he" is unnecessary. You can just say "and" or add "-ing" to the verb.
#BF0000 ">"No idea. I thought there would be someone to greet us," replied Marthan as he slung his duffel bag over his shoulder and scanned the room with his dark brown eyes.
Also, er, we already knew Marthan's eyes were dark brown. Adding "with his dark brown eyes" to the end of the sentence just makes it drawn-out and awkward.
He also had brown coloured hair that was neatly parted to the left, much like Marthan’s hair.
Okay, this is my writing program kicking in. Using "hair" twice in the same sentence is distasteful. (I myself was caught in this act in chapter five of my story.) If you really want another word there, you can use "own".
#BF0000 ">He also had brown coloured hair that was neatly parted to the left, much like Marthan's own.
Placing "own" there is optional. You can just say "much like Marthan's".
Unlike humans, the humanoid figure did not have a distinctive nasal or ear feature, and instead of having a jaw like most humanoids, it had multiple fleshy tendrils which hung from its lower face.
This sentence feels. . . Drawn out to me. It actually took me several re-reads to understand. . . And that's a really rare thing when it comes to me. It's just awkward, plain and simple. But it's okay--everyone struggles. I've just got good grammar. . . And that's it. At least you have a nice story and good characters!
Anyhow, back to the point. You can get all this description in without making it one sentence, okay? I'll show you how.
#BF0000 ">Unlike humans, the creature did not have a distinctive nasal or ear feature. Instead of having a jaw like most humanoids, it had multiple fleshy tendrils which hung from its lower face.
He like Xarvis, was wearing the robes reserved for full members of the Order.
Okay, I think you can see the problem here. They aren't cavemen, are they? "HE LIKE XARVIS. I LIKE XARVIS. ALL LIKE XARVIS."
I sure hope not.
I think you meant to say:
#BF0000 ">He, like Xarvis, was wearing the robes reserved members of the Order.
“Sorry I’m late Xarvix,”
Is this a character's accent, or an accidental mistype?
I think you know how to fix this.
"Any more questions?” The group of initiates stood there silently, waiting for one of them to ask a question, but none of them did.
When someone finishes speaking and you're not focused on that character anymore, you start a new paragraph. Seems you accidentally missed that! Whoops.
Also, you used "them" twice in the same sentence. Remember what I said earlier? That's a no-no.
But, you did do well by saying "any more" instead of "anymore". Most people are lazy and don't like to add that space in both "any more" and "a lot".
#BF0000 ">"Any more questions?"
The group of initiates stood there silently, waiting for one of their own/someone to ask a question. None of them did.
“This is exciting isn’t it?”
To make the sentence flow better, add a comma. (It's okay, knowing when to add a comma and when to place a period is hard to learn. A lot of it relies on personal judgement.)
[color=#BF0000 ]"This is exciting, isn't it?"[/quote]
Good job on this chapter, and I am soooooooo sorry I couldn't get to it sooner.
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