Chapter 3
Astrofleet Central Command,
London, United Kingdom,
Earth,
23rd December 2228.
“So I guess we know what happened to the da Gama,” said Vice Admiral Daniel Anderson with a soothing British accent to a select number of colleagues that had gathered in his office. As the head of Astrofleet Operations, Anderson was in charge of the general operation of every Astrofleet vessel, thus the disappearance of the GCS da Gama feel under his jurisdiction. In his tastefully decorated office today was his friend and colleague Vice Admiral Jean-Pierre Phillip who was the head of Astrofleet Exploration Command; who was present because the da Gama was a ship under his command, Commodore Alan Gardner who was assistant deputy of Astrofleet Intelligence, Captain Bhelett Bisav of the GCS Lantree who was a veteran of numerous encounters with the Klinzith, Ambassador Kasumi Fujisawa who was the ambassador in charge of Commonwealth- Hegemony Relations, and finally Deputy Defence Minister Elisnia Janiva.
“The next thing we have to determine is whether or not this a part of some coordinated push by the Klinzith, or another attack by some ship commander who too is too over eager to please his superior officers,” Phillip said with a typical British accent, before taking a sip out of his hot earl grey tea that he has gotten from Anderson office’s food and drink replicator before the start of the meeting.
Gardner let out a sigh, “Unfortunately, it’s hard to determine whether or not this attack was sanctioned by Klinzith Military command or some ship commander who is just too over eager,” said Gardner to the rest of the people gathered in the room. “And Intelligence is not going to get any concrete intelligence about any Klinzith military plans or movement since we asked all our operatives placed in important Klinzith agencies to lay low since one of our operatives was discovered by the Klinzith Gesrhzark. Any sort of intelligence now comes from long range sensor scans taken by Astrofleet ships or sensor drones near the Klinzith border, and they don’t tell us much,” said an obviously disappointed Gardner.
“I am more inclined to say that this attack on the da Gama was on act by some over eager Klinzith ship commander,” voiced the Gaja’phan Bhelett Bisav whose species’ head resembled that of elephants found on Earth. “In all my years of being posted on the Klinzith border, the Klinzith has never attempted to attack my ship whenever I came to the aid of a freighter being attacked by a Klinzith raider,” Bisav paused, “in fact if the Lautree were to ever come face to face with a Klinzitth ship, the Klinzith ship would without fail make haste back to the Klinzith side of the border, after hurling a number of threats to my ship over subspace.”
“Kasumi, have you managed to get in contact with your counterpart?” asked Anderson to Ambassador Kasumi who was sitting next to Deputy Defence Minister Janiva on the maroon coloured couch in his office. Kasumi nodded her head in response to Anderson’s query. “What did he say?” Anderson asked before leaning forward from his chair and placing his arms on his office desk.
Ambassador Kasumi Fujisawa who had been ambassador in charge of Commonwealth-Klinzith relations for close to three decades let out a sigh, “Ambassador Rarmath tells me that officially, the Hegemony has no knowledge of the attack on the da Gama, nor did they sanction the attack,” she said
“I find that hard to believe,” voiced the Isarian Deputy Defence Minister Janiva sceptically to the rest of the people present in Anderson’s office. Deputy Minister Janiva like the rest of her species had light chocolate coloured skin that had beautiful white coloured tribal tattoos as well as white hair and piercing blue eyes . “The number of Klinzith attacks on Commonwealth freighters and cargo ships have been steadily on the rise, plus the number of cross border incursion has increased almost two fold. If this is not some sort of start to a Klinzith invasion, I don’t know what it is then.”
“Ambassador Ranrath assures me that the Hegemony has no desire to start a war against the Commonwealth,” Fujisawa said to her gathered colleagues.
“That might be true, the civilian government might not want a war, said Janiva before pausing mid-sentence, “but what about the military? We all know how the Klinzith military has always been a proponent of war with the Commonwealth. That they see us as a threat, a hindrance to their expansion. Probably this is a situation where the right hand does not know what its left hand is doing.”
“There is evidence of a growing divide between the civil and military leadership,” noted Gardner to the rest as he stroked his chin,“Intelligence has noted that an Admiral Daleer Kashar is gaining popularity and support within military circles as well as that of the general population.”
“Has the admiral gathered enough popularity and support to launch a successful coup?” asked Phillip after taking a sip out of his cup of earl grey tea.
Gardner shook his head, “Not at the moment sir. So far he has only gained the loyalty of his personal task force, five flotillas and three ground battalions,” replied Gardner to Pierre’s question. “Not nearly enough to launch a coup, let alone be successful. That being said, our operatives have reported, before they were ordered to lay low, that Kashar is on the verge of securing the loyalty of the home fleet,” reported Gardner to everyone, “and if manages to accomplish that,” Gardner paused before continuing, “well he would more than enough ships and men under his command to be able to launch a successful coup and overthrow the civilian government.”
“I see,” said Anderson. Anderson looked to each one of his colleagues in his office. “I think we should come up with a directive to prevent civilian traffic from passing too close to the Klinzith border.”
“What do you propose admiral,” asked Bisav to Anderson who was sitting at his office desk.
“I propose that we extend the buffer zone separating our space from Klinzith space from one light year to three light years,” proposed Anderson to his gathered colleagues. “In addition to that, I also suggest that all civilian traffic not be allowed entry into the zone for their safety.”
“That sounds like a reasonable proposal Daniel,” said Janiva, “but the Parliament would still have to give what you humans call the green light. I will bring up the proposal during the parliament session later in the afternoon.”
“Do you think the Parliament would object to the proposal?” queried Phillip to Janiva.
Janiva shook her head, “I don’t see why they should not agree to it. It’s in the best interest of protecting the civilian and commercial Commonwealth ships from being an easy prey for over eager and trigger happyKlinzith commanders.”
“Agreed,” Pierre said before taking a sip of his earl grey tea.
“If we are going to enforce this buffer zone or no fly zone for civilian ships, we need to start deploying some more of our ships nearer to the Klinzith border,” said Gardner to the rest.
“But not too many ships,” noted Ambassador Fujisawa in regard to Gardner’s suggestion, “less you want provoke the Klinzith to place even more of their ships by our borders.
“Agreed, we don’t want the Hegemony military to think that we are getting ready for an attack. So far we only got three ships in the sector, one Odyssey Class starships, the GCS Galaxy, and two Thames Class starships, the GCS Hudson and GCS Seine. We can’t have all three of them enforce the buffer zone and prevent Klinzith incursions. It’ll put too much strain on the crew,” said Anderson before turning his attention to Phillip. “Jean-Pierre do you have any of your exploratory ships in that sector that we could use to augment the number of ships we already have in that sector?” asked Anderson to his long-time friend and colleague. Anderson figured that it would be better for ships already deployed near the area to be redeployed to the border instead of bringing in new ships to the area, so that the Klinzith in turn would not bring any additional ships of their own into the sector. Or so he hopes.
“Well I have five ships deployed in the vicinity of the Klinzith border for now,” replied Phillip to Anderson, “the Voyager, Titan, Aries, Trieste and the Antares, but I’m reassigning the Voyager to carry out a deep space exploration assignment in another sector”
“What a shame, we could have used a good ship like Voyager,” said Anderson with a slight hint of disappointment in his voice. “Are the rest of the ships all combat capable?” asked Anderson.
“The Titan and the Aries is,” answered Phillip, “the Titan is an Aurora-class starship and the Aries is a Stargazer-class starship, they both are more than capable of handling themselves in a fire fight, if it were to come to that.”
“How about the Trieste and the Antares?” queried Anderson, “are they both not suited for combat?”
Phillip folded his arms and leaned back into his chair. “The Trieste is an old Mark I Daedalus Class starships, it can still perform limited combat roles, but not without support from a larger ship. The Antares on the other hand is an Echo Class starships, and I’m not confident about it being assigned a combat role, not after what happened to the da Gama.”
“Agreed,” said Anderson, “but I would still like to have the Antares serve in a support role, preferably in some sort of reconnaissance role. How long will it take for those ships to reach the border Jean-Pierre? ”
Jean-Pierre stroked his chin and took a moment before answering Anderson’s question, “The Titan would take about a week to reach the border from its current position at maximum warp cruising speed, the Aries would take about three days at top speed, the Trieste five days and the Antares around six days.”
“If you want sirs,” said Bisav to Anderson and Phillip, “I can get the Lantree out there once the engineers at Earth spacedock finishes up the repairs and retrofitting on her,” suggested Bissv to the two admirals.
“Having someone like Bisav who has a lot of experience dealing with the Klinzith with the task force would definitely be an advantage for us,” opined Commodore Gardner to both Anderson and Phillip.
“Agreed,” Phillip said upon hearing Gardner’s opinion.
“Very well, I guess we all know what to do” said Anderson as he clasped both his hands together, “Janiva will table the proposal to Parliament to extend the buffer zone between our border and that of the Hegemony as well as implementing a no fly zone for civilian ship, while Jean-Pierre contacts his ships and inform them of their redeployment, Captain Bisav you will take the Lantree to the border once it has finished being repaired and retrofitted,” Janiva, Jean-Pierre and Bisav nodded. Anderson paused, as though he was thinking of something. Anderson turned to Gardner, “Commodore Gardner I want you to pass on a memo to Admiral Dench and ask her to deploy a number of class V reconnaissance probes to the border.”
“Yes sir,” acknowledged Gardner upon hearing Anderson’s order.
“Kasumi, try to get in contact with Ambassador Ranrath and ask him unofficially about the current political climate of the Hegemony,” Anderson said to Kasumi who had yet to be given a task.
“Very well then, I guess this ends today’s little meeting,” said Anderson to his friends and colleagues that were gathered in his office. Everyone nodded and proceeded to get up from their chairs and made their way to the door of Anderson’s office to exit the office. The only person to stop by the door was Jean-Pierre Phillip.
“Do you think war with the Klinzith is inevitable, Daniel?” asked Jean-Pierre to Daniel who had moved away from the door, .
Daniel rubbed his temples and let out a sigh. “I don’t know Jean-Pierre,” said Anderson, “I just don’t know. But that’s why we need to prepare for the worst possible scenario.”
“Agreed, but let us hope that diplomacy prevails,” Jean-Pierre said with a hint of hopefulness in his voice.
Anderson nodded in agreement with his close friend, “I couldn’t agree with you more Jean-Pierre.” Anderson like Phillips sincerely hope that war with the Klinzith would not come to pass, but years of serving in Astrofleet has thought Anderson, as well as Phillips, that war is sometimes a necessary evil.
Jean-Pierre bid farewell to his old Academy friend and left Daniel’s office. Once Jean-Pierre had left, Daniel pressed the communications panel that was installed into his vintage office desk to contact his yeoman. “Yeoman Smiths, please inform the commander of the Valles Marineris Fleet Shipyard that I would be conducting a brief inspection on the ships currently docked for repairs, retrofitting or refitting.”
“Aye sir,” replied a calm, feminine voice over the comm.
Unknown location,
Captain Victor Moses, his first officer the Xellerian Rynvel Shyrir, his communications officer Ming Ho Lin and five other survivors from the GCS da Gama, sat in a cold small room which was only lit by a singular bulb that hung from the wall. After being transported aboard the Klinzith ship that destroyed thru ds Gama, Moses and his crew were interrogated for any useful information that they might have. After the apparent failure of the interrogators on board the Klinzith ship that had destroyed the da Gama, the surviving crew were transported to what Moses figured was a Klinzith prison installation or a planet for further interrogations by Klinzith interrogators.
“So when do you think we will get to meet the owners of this lovely prison cell?” joked Shyrir to Moses and the rest of his surviving crewmembers. A bloodied bandage covers the part of his left antenna that had been sliced clean off during thru attack on the da Gama.
Everyone burst out in small laughter. “I honestly hope I get to meet one of them,” said crewman who was from the operations division, “then I can give them a piece of my fist.”
“Do that, and they’ll drag you off to be tortured,” Lin said before coughing shallowly, “or worst, they’ll just kill you on the spot,” he said after he had stopped coughing.
“He’s right crewman,” said Moses in agreement with Lin, “the best we can do to stay alive is to not retaliate and hopefully wait for rescue.” If it ever does come, thought Moses to himself. He knew the chances of his crew being rescued by Astrofleet was near to zero, but as captain, he had to give some measure of hope to his crew, however little.
The metal door to the small cell swung open, at the entrance to the door stood two large hulking figures. The two figures, who wore helmets that accentuated their races bony forehead and cheeks made their way over to Moses and violently forced Moses to his feet.
“Hey, hey, take it easy,” Moses said to the two guards as he was manhandled by them towards the exit. The metal door to the small cell swung shut as the two guards and Moses left the small cold crammed cell.
“Where are they going to the captain,” asked Lin as he got up from his spot and limped from his spot to sit next to Shyrir.
Shyrir shook his head, “Someplace that I wish we would not have to go to.”
Moses had traded one small cold room for another, the only difference was there was a chair this time, which he was sitting on with his hands cuffed behind it. I guessed I traded up, joked Moses to himself as he tried to get comfortable.
The metal door to the cell opened, revealing a Klinzith who had a datapad in hand and was not nearly as built as the guards that escorted him to the cell. The Klinzith looked down at his datapad, “Captain Victor Moses, captain of the GCS da Gama,” said the interrogator as he walked towards Moses. “Let’s start with an easy question captain,” said the interrogator, “how many Astrofleet ships are deployed by the border?”
“How would I know,” replied Moses, “I’m just a lowly captain of a scout ship.”
The Klinzith interrogator let out a huge belly laugh before punching Moses in the face. “Tell me what I want to know human,” said the Klinzith interrogator to Moses who had spit out a small amount of blood from his mouth. “Know this human, I have ways of breaking you.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Salutations
I see you are a fellow circumlotionist. Yes, I too am guilty of being longwinded and writing more than is necessary (as this part of the sentence illustrates), which is why I can immediately recognise when someone else is equally fond of long sentences. The best way to shorten your work is by reducing your sentences - you can start by avoiding unnecessary conjunctions.
A second way through which you can do this is by avoiding long lists. If you want to include information about every character present, for example, then instead of listing them, mention each in their own sentence. That way, it will improve the flow of the text, as well as avoid the semi-colon, which, sadly, you used incorrectly. (A semi-colon can be used in exactly three places: before conjunctions like "however" and "nevertheless", in the place of conjunctions, and to separate items of a list where the "items" must be described with numerous words.)
Furthermore, you occasionally swap to the present tense. (Examples include paragraph forty-one where you said "bid" instead of "bade", and paragraph forty-four where you said "covers" instead of "covered".) You are writing in the past tense, which I greatly appreciate, preferring it to the present tense, but no matter which tense you're using, it must remain the same throughout the work.
As you can see, there is still much you can do to improve your story, but that doesn't mean it is bad; on the contrary, it is excellent. These technicalities would bother a Grammar Nazi like me, but other people would be fine with it. Besides, they aren't even major mistakes, just minor nuisances. You manage to tell the story and list events without losing the reader's attention, which is imperative, as a bored reader will cease to be a reader before too long.
May you have a pleasant Review Day!
Hello, Moalex here to review your work. I did not read the previous two chapters to this. For obvious reasons, many people hunt for points and no reviews in the green room are perfect. I will do my best to understand your story.
"before taking a sip out of his hot earl grey tea that he has gotten from Anderson office’s food and drink replicator before the start of the meeting"
The "has" between he and gotten should be past tense. You are stating that he received the tea before and not now. "of his hot earl grey tea that he had gotten from Anderson." Perhaps maybe switch the word "gotten" to "received" or something other word.
Astrofleet ships or sensor drones near the Klinzith border, and they don’t tell us much,” said an obviously disappointed Gardner.
This one is more a personal choice of word rather than a nit pick. I feel you could take the word "obviously" out. To me placing two adjectives together feels like they weakens the word is used. If you really want to to keep the words together it's up to you.
That's all from me. I didn't take too much interest into your story but that's probably because I haven't read the details from the first two chapters. Keep up the good work!