Tell me why

Okay, my friend Pam is too shy to post her work

so i'm doing it for her :) (but we both made this)

please correct any of our mistakes and we also made

this easy to read so that you guys don't have to check the thesaurus

all the time. hope you like it!

* * * * * * * * * * *

At about 8:25 p.m. my mom called, “Honey, come down here already. The show’s about to start and your brother’s getting impatient.”

“I’m coming mom. I just can’t seem to find my phone.” I replied.

It was a Friday night and our favorite TV show was about to start. My dad was busy preparing the popcorn and I can tell that my older brother Brayden couldn’t wait any longer. We’re only two years apart so there would be constant bickering when one of us doesn’t get our way. So I tried to find my phone more rapidly. My room was an absolute mess. I’ve been using my telepathic powers to look for my phone. I don’t use it often because I find it extremely weird. But this is an emergency.

For the past 12 years I found out that I have some unusual powers. It started when I was 4. I was running around the house when I didn’t see the new cabinet my mom just brought in. I didn’t stop in time but then I found myself on the other side of the cabinet. I was still young that time, so I didn’t mind it at all. Thinking it was probably “normal”. That was the first power that I got.

But then it happened again. I was 7 years old and I wanted my mom to make me a sandwich. I went down to the kitchen and found her making pancakes.

I felt my tummy grumble. “Mom can you make me a sandwich please?”

My mom turned around and started searching for something, “What?” she asked.

I repeated my question, “Can you make me a chicken sandwich please?”

She continued to search for something and I realized that that something was me. I went upstairs to my room, went to my mirror and saw nothing. Nothing at all. I’ve read some of the comic books that Bray reads so I knew that I was invisible.

2 years later, while I was in my Math class, everyone started talking all at once. I looked at my teacher, Ms. Gibbons, and she wasn’t even telling them to stop.

“I wonder when I can get a puppy..”

“couldn’t have been her..”

“250 divided by 5 is..”

It started to become annoying. They wouldn’t stop talking!

“…get that new bike..”

“can’t wait to get home..”

I couldn’t help it anymore so I stood up and shouted, “Shut up!”

All my classmates looked at me like I’m some kind of lunatic who wandered into their classroom.

“What is it Prim?” Ms. Gibbons asked me warily.

I don’t know why, but I started to pant. “Everyone’s so noisy.”

She looked at me worriedly, “But no one’s talking my dear. I think you should go to the clinic. Here’s your pass.”

“..maybe she’s crazy.”

“she must have a fever..”

I immediately took the slip from Ms. Gibbons and went straight to the clinic.

When I went out of the classroom, everything seemed to be more peaceful. I was greeted by the nurse when I got to the clinic.

“Well hello there.” Mrs. Jones welcomed. “What’s your problem?”

“I- I- I really don’t know.” I said, stammering. “I feel kind of dizzy and exhausted.”

“Well okay. Do you feel anything else?” she asked.

“No.” I replied.

She made me open my mouth so she could see my tonsils. Then she touched my cheek to check if I have a fever.

“Well it’s nothing serious dear. Go and lie down in one of these cots while I go get you a glass of water.” She ordered.

I went to sit in the cot at the very end. It didn’t feel really comfortable so I couldn’t sleep. Mrs. Jones came back and gave me a glass of water. Then I closed my eyes hoping that the throb in my head would cease.

“..wish I had a daughter. Then my life wouldn’t be so gloomy.”

I opened my eyes and saw no one talking to me except for Mrs. Jones over by her desk reading a magazine.

“What did you say Mrs. Jones?” I asked.

She looked up from the magazine she was reading. “I didn’t say anything.” She said.

I scrunched up my eyebrows, “Oh. I thought I heard you muttering something about having a daughter.”

“Did I say that out loud?”

“What?” I asked.

“It’s like she’s reading my mind.” She looked at me with a worried expression.

Reading her mind? Well that explains everything! I smiled at Mrs. Jones and closed my eyes. Eventually I drifted off to sleep.

At the age of twelve, I started playing soccer with my dad and Bray at the park. I would always have fun playing soccer. It made me feel so free and alive. We would go home at 6 in the evening and I would be exhausted. One night, we arrived at 7: 30 in the evening and I was so worn-out that I immediately went to my room and lay down. I wanted to wipe my sweat off but I was too tired to get up and get a towel at my closet. I heard my closet opening but I didn’t mind. Then the next thing I knew, a towel was right beside me. Almost immediately, I stood up and looked around cautiously. No one else was in my room but me. I tried getting up so I could get my water bottle over at my dressing table unfortunately my legs were too tired that I immediately fell on my bed. I looked at my water bottle and wished that I could just grab it and have a drink. As soon as I wished to grab it, the bottle came straight towards me and landed at my lap. I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t just visualizing lifting the bottle so I decided to try it on something else. I looked around and settled on a hair brush. I concentrated on it and just like the bottle it went to me. And just like having a new toy, I kept experimenting. I opened and closed the door and tried making my books float on air.

And three years later, I learned one skill that was probably the best one I have. I mean that this certain skill was the easiest one to control. Like it was an ability really meant for me. I was in the kitchen helping mom make lunch when I saw a wasp buzzing in the kitchen. Mom wasn’t around so I couldn’t rely on her to kill it. I’m really afraid of bugs so the next thing I knew, I was holding a knife and threw it across the kitchen and it hit the wasp. It was a direct hit. That couldn’t have been possible. So I got two knives and brought them outside. I went to stand 20 feet away from our apple tree. Then I threw the two knives together. I could see the knives fly towards the tree and getting an apple each. I was amazed. And so I tried it out again. Only this time I was fifty feet away from the apple three. I threw the knives together once again and this time I got 3 apples on each of the knives.

And now after 6 months have passed by since the knife incident, I could throw ten knives in 5 seconds and can collect as many as 20 apples. I haven’t told any of parents or Brayden about my powers. I wouldn’t want them to treat me differently. Although I use my powers behind their back mostly for their benefit and when they need help, like when they lose an important file or something; Or when I give them information that can help them with their job. I don’t use my powers often. I only use them when I am simply lazy or when it’s an emergency and especially when Brayden is involved. Just like now. I lifted everything at top speed. My hands are becoming tired lifting all these objects. And at last I finally found my phone! I have 2 messages but they would have to wait until I get downstairs. I rushed downstairs, taking two steps at a time.

“Hurry up and sit already.” Brayden said without taking his eyes off the television.

I rolled my eyes and went to sit beside him.

Then dad came out of the kitchen carrying a bowl of popcorn. “Don’t worry, there are two of them. I don’t think we can even finish this one.” He said.

“Where’s mom?” I asked.

Dad handed the bowl to Brayden and replied, “She’s still in the kitchen getting our drinks.”

Then Bray increased the volume, “Hurry mom! The show’s starting.”

The catchy tune of “Hello Crackers!” made the opening scene and out comes Harold Creshaw from back stage. “Good evening everyone! You see? You people look so happy just because I showed up at work tonight!” That sent the live audience and even us laughing.

He went to the center of the stage and said, “So tonight we’re going to have a new crew tricking people. And we’ll be here laughing.” The audience clapped. “I’m going to introduce to you the new crew! You might be surprised because I decided to make this crew very special. Come out little crackers!”

Then a group of ten children came out to the stage. I could guess that they were about ages ten to fifteen.

“Hey! Wouldn’t it be fun to be one the crew?” Bray said. “I should’ve joined that silly contest.”

I rolled my eyes, “The show wouldn’t be fun with you on the screen.”

“Ha-ha.” Bray said.

It’s been 30 minutes and we have been laughing our heads off. My stomach started to hurt. And just when my tummy was about to explode, Harold called for a commercial break.

My mom still couldn’t stop laughing, “I think this was the best episode yet!.”

“Calm down honey. We wouldn’t want to rush you to the hospital for laughing too hard.” Dad said.

Bray was simply oblivious to what was happening, “I still wish I was part of the crew. Can you hand me a soda little sis?”

“Sure thing, big bro.” I said sarcastically.

Although my brother was a pain, I know he always looks out for me. So I always do what he says.

My dad is annoyingly patient. I’m actually looking forward to the time when he cracks. He doesn’t even raise his voice every time Bray and I are in a fight. One that’s like an erupting volcano. My mom is kind of a little different. She doesn’t really shout but boy can she get mad. She doesn’t like it when we squabble. She wants everything in peace.

“Honey, can you please get me some pillows upstairs? I want to lie down on your father’s lap.” My mom said.

“My lap?” my dad asked and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“And can you get my laptop sis? I need to work on my project during the breaks.” Bray asked.

I sighed and got up, “Okay fine. But when I come back, I don’t want anyone to take my spot in the couch okay? It’s like every time you guys ask me to get something and when I come back, I have to sit at the floor.”

“We won’t honey.” My mom said.

“Okay.” I said.

“Thanks!” Bray said.

“Yeah, yeah.” Then I started up the stairs.

I went into mom and dad’s room first. I gotta compliment my mom later on for keeping their room absolutely clean. I couldn’t see a single piece of paper on the floor. I went to their king sized bed and grabbed two pillows. I’m pretty sure dad would want one too. Next I went to Brayden’s room. Well I wouldn’t say it was clean but it was definitely cleaner than mine. Until now I still envy him because his room is so much bigger than mine. Oh well. I went to search for his laptop. It was over by his desk but I couldn’t just pick it up with mom and dad’s huge pillows. So I lifted my finger and made the laptop come to me and made it settle on top of the pillows. They’re probably gonna wonder how I managed this. And just at that exact moment I heard a scream and a gun shot. I dropped my things and froze in place. My mind started to race and I found myself thinking of many things that could’ve happened downstairs. I rushed out of the room and went to the stairs. I could see a guy holding a gun going around the house.

* * * * * * * *

please comment if you LIKED it or HATE it.

You don't need to review you can just comment.

thanks :)

Comments & reviews · 11
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User avatar
Snoink
Review
Snoink wrote a review · Wed Jun 24, 2009 7:36 pm

Eek! Your friend is kind of an awesome writer. But we don't allow people to post things for their friends? It's a whole permission/copyright thingy... trust me. :)

Tell her to post it! But this is locked.

--Snoink

EDIT: Misunderstanding! Story is a co-auth. Unlocked. :)

User avatar
barney
Comment

Just wanted to remind you to go and review. That way more people will also review your work.

-barney :)

User avatar
ZaddieCaso
Review

This is a nice little story. At first I found myself critising the simplistic lauguage but after a while I got so sucked into the story that It didn't matter. I think you need a little more variety when usuing speech.
For example instead of using

- Reply
- Said

You could use words more specific to the characters voice, such as

- laughed
- shouted
- mumbled
- whispered

Other than that I really loved this story, I'm not sure what it is about this but I am immediately sucked into the plot and characters.

plzz PM me when you get the next chapter of your friend :)

Hi! Miss Summer Night at your service!

Tell Pam that this was one of the best stories I have ever read in my life!
I'm probably going to spend half of my day thinking of whats going to happen.
The only problem I found was this.
~...we arrived at 7: 30 in...~
I'm almost positive this was a typo, but "7: 30" should be "7:30"
I absolutely loved this! Please PM me if Pam allows you to post more.

Well, that's all! Bye!

User avatar
yellowsun Comment

Thank you for your comment Barney.

User avatar
barney
Review
barney wrote a review · Mon May 25, 2009 2:46 pm

Hello there! Well let's see, your friend here has a great story.
I like the way she explained how she got her powers one by one.
You've got typos here and there but nothing seems to stand out.

Aww, why is your friend shy? You should try to convince her to join. it'll boost her confidence. I like the way she ended this chapter.. i wonder if she'll use her powers to save them or she can't save them at all. Please continue!

I'm already excited! good job!
-barney :)

User avatar
yellowsun Comment

Thank you Discodiva. Um, i didn't realize until just now
that my avatar (Taylor) has a song Tell me Why.
I don't know of this piece was named after her song. it was just
a coincidence. :)

User avatar
discodiva427 Review

Hi. This piece is excellent, your friend is a great writer. I have a question. I saw from your avatar that you like Taylor Swift. Was this piece by any chance named after her song Tell Me Why? I know this is completely irrelevant, I was just curious. I agree with one of the other posters. I think she should try changing the line

"For the past 12 years I’ve been having powers come out of me."


I don't know why but there is just something about that line that doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the story.

Its still a great piece. You should encourage your friend to get an account.

~Katy

User avatar
lovly_audrey
Review

This story was really entertaining! Your friend Pam has a great story plot. The "Hello Crackers" Show made me laugh. One thing I thought should be fixed though is this sentence.

"For the past 12 years I’ve been having powers come out of me."

I just really don't like the wording of this line. Maybe you could try;
"For the past 12 years I've found out I have some unusual powers."
Something like that.. I really liked all of the detail about her powers. I think this story could get very interesting. I liked it. I hope to read more soon.
=)

User avatar
yellowsun Comment

thanks iheartlondon!
Thanks for pointing out Pam's typos.
The romance comes later on by the way :)

User avatar
iheartlondon
Review

Your friend Pam has a vivid imagination, indeed! ;)

I really enjoyed the beginning of her story. It got me quite intrigued and I hope that someday I'll find out what happened next. I assume that Prim will have to reveal her powers in order to save her family... Makes me wonder how her parents will take it.

As for the mistakes, nothing horrible stands out, apart from quite a lot of missing commas (especially before "but").

And I believe Pam missed out a word ("am") in this one:

I only use them when I simply lazy or when it’s an emergency and especially when Brayden is involved.


By the way, why did she choose it to be in the Romance category? It seems that there is quite an element of something sci-fi/fantastic with all those superpowers, isn't there? I'm asking because I'm currently also writing a novel, it's supposed to have some romantic elements in it, but it's taking place in the past, present, future, describes the "after-life" and such, so I can't decide where I should place it myself. What do you think?

Also, the "I gotta" in this sentence:

I gotta compliment my mom later on for keeping their room absolutely clean.


This contraction from "I've got to" really stands out from the general style of the story. I would even replace it with "I have to" or "I must". Sounds better this way. :)

That's about it, I think. It's my first review ever here, so I believe more experienced people will provide more constructive critique. In any case, let me know when/if your friend wants a review for the next chapters of her story! Will be glad to help. ;)



Nothing says criminal activity like strong bones. ;)
— Magebird