Dignity is a rare trait around here.
Smashed glass and vomit are always near.
The thuggish activities are blamed on the beer.
A flash from a slapper results in a cheer.
Considerate behaviour seems so far
It cannot be seen, it was lost at the bar.
She can hardly walk straight as she’s lead to a car
Pub golf sounded fun until she went over par.
Underage louts are loitering outside.
No work in the morning, because they never tried.
Honour and grace have never applied.
A chilling environment, somewhere to reside.
I’m grateful that my endeavours here are rare.
You’ll see her tomorrow shoving a pushchair.
They’d still cause disturbance at a children’s funfair.
I get the impression that they just do not care.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, I'm Jenna.
The first line grabbed me. Before I read another word, I was hooked.
Reading onward, though, I'm pretty disappointed that you made it rhyme. For lack of a better phrase, it "dumbs down" the poem. You paint a very vivid picture here, of a place without hope, where people don't give a damn about anyone or anything. It's rare to find a poem that conveys an image like that-- much more common are stories of love, heartbreak, or wisdom.
I think if you went through and took out the rhyming you could make this even better. Instead of putting in something just because it rhymes, think about what would be the best possible set of words to convey your meaning. Imagine painting a picture with your words-- when you try to force everything to rhyme it's like confining yourself to the lines of a coloring book.
I like the alliteration when you say, "louts are loitering". That adds to the flow. The line about the children's funfair seems completely out of place, kind of random.
Anyway, these are just my thoughts. PM me if you have any questions or would like to talk more. Thanks for posting your work! Be sure to review other people's as well.
Hey! It wasn't long before even I was new at YWS! This is great work by you! I have to say, it shows you have talent and a natural hand at rhyming. I loved the way you set this piece up together, and I enjoyed reading it.
Keep up the precious work xD
Hello! Welcome to YWS. We do ask that everyone reviews two pieces of work before posting their own.
I like the idea of this poem. The rhyming isn't forced and I like the message you are trying to convey. The rhyming does make sense, but it's just a bit predictable, and I think that's the only thing I don't really like about the poem. It's hard, because the rhyming makes sense, isn't forced, like I said - you're not just saying things for the sake of rhyming, but the rhymes are all very simple - here, near, beer, cheer... chair, rare, fair, care, and so on. It makes it sound a little childish. I don't really know if you should change it though because it flows well. It's just that the message you're talking about is quite mature and serious, but the rhyming doesn't reflect that. I do really like it apart from that, though. Keep writing!