Catching Casey

All in all, it's pretty good. There are some places where your sentences run off into another paragraph before they're even finished. You should fix that. I did see a few typos here and there but I can't seem to remember where they are. I do remember seeing the use of the word "of" instead of "off" at the end of the chapter. A great way to improve your writing, and this is something I do, too, is to read over your work after every chapter you write. You can get a friend or family member to proofread the whole thing when you're finished your story, but if you want to fix most of the typos and grammar errors yourself, reading over your work even once will help you catch things you never would have realized when you wrote them. Trust me, I know, I have ADHD and dyslexia, a lot of the time I forget to type a whole word or repeat the same word twice and not even notice doing it until I read it over again.

Try it, you'll be surprised at what you find.

I just edited alot, so everyone Please give me some feed back. Thanks to those of you who have.

Okay, same review key as last time:
Red = comments
Bold = words/sentences/phrases that I think you should add

Let's see how you did.

yelhsa211 wrote:As the mind-numbing blackness of the Change faded away, Kaedo Lialli

sensed something wrong. [s]The[/s] A slightly sweet aftertaste of blood coated his

mouth. Too sweet to be animal's, Kae thought, as he tried to identify its

overwhelming flavor.Human. Blinking away his blurred vision,

the tall, lithe boy grimaced as he noticed his surroundings. [s]In[/s] Above him was a heavy

canopy of leaves that hid the full moon casting eery shadows over a broken campsite containing three

still forms no older than his own 16 years. They all lay crumpled and maimed at his

feet. The two boys were beyond help, but the girl was obviously Changing. When

he Insert space here inspected closer, Kae groaned. Casey Fields. He could have

recognized that impossibly long shining silver blond mane, or those startling

green eyes anywhere. She was struggling for breathe, her shredded clothing

stained with her blood.Casey was the last person Kae had wanted to run into

tonight. The fight he'd had with the stunning beauty was the final event that

caused him to try to stay away from mortals. Kae hadn't gotten far enough

away before his Change.Whether he was conscious to the act or not, Kae

was still responsible. Who could have told him she was going camping here?

Kae finally recognized his surroundings. Much Better! The exact place he had Changed

earlier this evening. As the [s]living[/s] mortal moaned softly, Kae glanced down

at her bloody body. She was going to Become, and soon. That meant

Changing and having her first kill. If Kae didn't act quickly, he'd never get

her out quietly in time. Death or banishment were all that awaited him at

home, but where else could he leave Casey? She could cause even more damage and then they both would be in irrevocable trouble. With a sigh of regret, Kae

swung her slim frame over his broad shoulder ,completed his Change It sounded like he was Changing before so how about he just finishes his change off [s]Changed[/s], and headed

towards the Pack's hideout. It would be a long, hard run if he were to make

it before moon set.


So much better!






Moon set was almost upon them, and still there was no sign of Kae.

Jonathan sat on a dais in the corner of the crowding room, searching for his

missing son. Motioning at Kae's closest friend Bethany, [s]Kae's closest friend[/s], He softly inquired,

" Did Kae hint at what he was doing tonight?" He noticed fear in the girl's

eyes as He gave her a piercing look. No one could reuse the pack master,

but the Beth obviously had heard something she didn't want to share.

Finally, with a defeated attitude, she replied, " Well, not really, but..... I

know he had a argument with a mortal at school," "kept muttering how he

was gonna stay as far away as possible. If he Changed too close to town-"

[s]Just as the moon was setting[/s], a figure appeared in the room, interrupting Bethany's explanation. Jonathan

could recognize that boy anywhere, and motioned for Kae to come closer to him. As the

boy crossed the crowded space, A continuous gasp followed him. Dragging

himself up the steps to his father's seat, Kae gently placed his burden on

the floor. "Pack master, when I Faded back to this form, I found the girl and

two others. I have broken our greatest law,". Without another word, Kae

slipped into a bow of humble submission. Jonathan and the rest of the

room looked in shock . The pack master couldn't get the words out at first. How

could he? Kae was the last person he would have expected to kill and maim

three innocent humans, [s]no matter his personal matters[/s].He could see Kae

was holding back tears with faltering [s]sheer[/s] willpower. The boy knew the consequences of his actions.

Jonathan ached as he stated the words, but they had to be said. With no

visible sign of emotion, he declared, "Kaedo Silver Lialli,you know the law.

If killing or changing a mortal unwillingly is what you have done, then the

punishment is either death, or banishment from every clan, with the mark of

a traitor branded in your side and aura. Decide now, before I choose for

you,". Kae's grim features told Jonathan his decision. In an effort to save

his only son, Jonathan added " But, understand this. If this girl whose life

you have destroyed finds you, and forgives with all of her self, your

punishment will be broken," With a bitter laugh, he continued ," But I

cannot see that ever happening [s]that that is a chance at all[/s]. Kaedo Lialli, your new name is

traitor," flicking a bolt of power at him to brand Traitor into Kae's being, he

ordered , " Leave me. We will never again speak of or name another pup

Kaedo Silver". With tears now rolling down his face, Kae turned and Shot out

of the room, Changing in one leap. Jonathan glanced at the girl, whose

moans had been growing louder and louder. He ordered," take this girl to

newly deserted room,". I hope you have the heart and courage to forgive

him. Jonathan added in his thoughts. With only a small sigh hinting to

his real feelings, Jonathan, werewolf pack master of the Lialli clan, stepped

of the dais and swept to his room.


There would be many a tear shed over the lost boy.

I move in favour of Scasha's suggestions. Very insightful indeed. Take heed child!!
I personally found your story rather rushed, but i can see exactly what you were going for; only the feeling of hysteria or fear - came over as confusion when read :S (sorry). Sometimes taking your time and slowing the pace of the scene down a little can create tension, which would work much better. It would also make it more readable

But on a lighter matter; I did really like your use of vocabulary and imagery. niiiiice
ty for the read

Hey Guys! Thanks for the suggestions. I went back and edited it, and now it seems better. I'm new to this stuff, but I like how people can help others with their writing.

Well, I'll second Scasha's suggestion. Though it is a very interesting prologue it all seems a bit rushed. Take time to explore the main character's feelings or if not, how the feelings of others have an affect on him. Or some other thing. Take it slow, but not too slow that nothing's happening in the the next four paragraphs or so.

Keep on writing!

Hey Yelhsa211! Welcome! I'm scasha! Anyway here's my review key
red = comments
bold = words/lines/sentences I think could work better.
Let's get this party started!

yelhsa211 wrote:As the mind-numbing blackness [s]of the change [/s]faded away, Kaedo Lialli sensed that something was wrong with him[s]a wrongness over him[/s]. The slightly sweet aftertaste of blood coated his mouth. Too sweet to be animal he thought, as he tried to identify its overwhelming flavor.Human. Blinking away his blurred vision, the boy grimaced as he noticed his surroundings Since you've introduced his name, I'd stear clear of the word boy and too much pronoun use. Instead of the boy say Kaedo . [s]In a wooded area, [/s]The heavy canopy of leaves hid the full moon and a broken campsite containing three still forms no older than his own 16 years lay crumpled at his feet. The two boys were beyond help, but the girl was obviously [s]changing[/s] alive. When he inspected closer, Kae groaned. Casey Fields. He could have recognized that [s]impossibly[/s] long shining silver blond mane, or those startling green eyes anywhere. She was the last person who could disappear completely. If Kae didn't think quick, he'd never get her out quietly. With a small sigh of regret, he swung her slim frame over his shoulder and headed towards the Pack's hideout. It would be a long, hard run if he were to make it before moon set. At first it doesn't seem like he knows where he is, but know he seems to completely understand everything. Instead say his mind lit up with understanding and he looked at his surroundings with recognization. Also I crossed off the words changing and then I realized what you meant by that so ignore the fact that I crossed it out



Moon set was almost upon them, and still there was no sign of Kae. Jonathan sat in a corner of the crowded room, searching for his missing son. Motioning at Kae's closest friend Bethany, [s]Kae's closest friend,[/s] he softly inquired, " Did Kae hint at what he was doing tonight?" He saw the hesitation in the younger girl's face, Show us what her eyes look like. Show us how she hesitates. Also when people are speaking make sure you start a new paragraph each time another character speaks " Well, not really, but..... I know he had a argument with a mortal at school," she stated, "kept muttering how he was gonna stay as far away as possible. If he Changed too close to town-" Suddenly, a figure burst through the room, [s]just as the moon was setting[/s]. Bounding up the steps to his father's seat, Kae gently placed his burden on the floor. "Pack master, when I Faded back to this form, I found the girl and two others. I have broken our greatest law, I don't think he should seem this eager to tell him. Have the others ask him questions and then have him finally admit to what happened ". Without another word, Kae slipped into a bow of humble submission. Jonathan and the rest of the room looked in shock The Pack master couldn't get the words out at first. How could he? Kae was the last person he would have expected to kill and maim three innocent humans, [s]no matter his personal matters[/s]. Jonathan ached as he said the words, but they had to be said. With no visible sign of emotion, he stated, "You know the law. If killing or changing a mortal unwillingly is what you have done, then the punishment is either death, or banishment from every clan, with the mark of a traitor branded in your side and aura. Decide now, before I choose for you,". Kae's grim features told Jonathan his decision. " But, understand this. If this girl whose life you have destroyed finds you, and forgives with all of her consciousness, your punishment will be broken," replied the pack master. With a bitter laugh, he added," but I cannot see that [s]that is a chance at all[/s] ever happening. Kaedo Lialli, your new name is traitor," fli[s]9[/s]cking a bolt of power at him he shouted, " LEAVE!". He doesn't seem this angery. I thought you said he was emotionless. Please try not to flip flop Kae, visibly shocked Again, since this is tribal law he shouldn't be surprised since he admits this, he should take his punishment solemnly while on the inside he's seething. Show us what he's thinking , scampered out o the room as fast as he could. Jonathan glanced at the girl, whose moans had been growing louder and louder. He ordered," take this girl to newly deserted room,". I hope you have the heart and courage to forgive him. With only a small sigh hinting to his real feelings, Jonathan, werewolf pack master of the Lialli clan, stepped of the dais and swept into his room. There would be many a tear shed over the lost boy.