Recently, I lost and gained someone at the same time. I'll be upfront, I had a crush on someone who has recently almost literally "crushed" me. I didn't know what to do. Maybe I should have been honest with him and told him that I liked him a lot. Love is a losing game. In this case, apparently, I'm the loser. I will still have feelings for him, that's for sure. I like seeing him happy, though so if she can make him the happiest person on the planet, I can cope with this. I lost him but I may have also gained him because he was somewhat intimidated by me but now that he has a girlfriend, it's obvious that we will just be friends and maybe, this could be a chance for us to become really good friends.
The problem is that I don't want to be friends. I want to be able to inhale his smell, kiss his neck, hug him ever so tightly. I want to be the one who makes him happy. I just wish that he felt the same way for me as I do for him.
I'm shattered. I'm broken into pieces. I'm suffocating. I'm not going to lie. Lying doesn't help. I don't want to deal with illusions. This is me and me only. I let my fears overcome me because maybe if I had the courage to open up to him and tell him how I feel, everything could be different right now. I did this to myself. I'm the one to blame.
Yes, it hurts. It hurts big time. It's funny because I actually enjoy the pain. Of course, I hate not being able to be with him. I hate not being able to have him value me. That doesn't hold me back from enjoying my agony, though. Maybe it's because I already subconsciously prepared myself for this. Deep down, I always knew he wouldn't want to be with me anyway. Therefore, this feeling that I have right now could just be an illusional pain, something I created in my own mind. Or maybe, I'm not even suffering at all. This is the outcome of some other resentment in me.
My feelings. Are there even any? My thoughts. To be honest, there are many. And all of my fears, worries, doubts... My mind is battling with them each day. Can't he see how much is going on inside of my head? Does he even realize he might be saving me? Because usually, when I talk to him, I get transferred to a different place. He makes me space out, and in a good way. In the spite of everything, I need to stop this. Because I'm strong enough to fight on my own. Needless to say, I had been doing alright before him. I'm actually afraid of losing myself. And what good could I bring to someone when I'm in such a dark place? Maybe I won't survive and basically, go crazy. I'm still pushing myself to my limits. I'm mentally exhausted. He is one of the reasons why I don't give up and he doesn't even know that. Why do I want to end this obsession then? Because people say so? It's because I'm afraid of losing him. I don't want him to think that I like him because then, he would definitely push himself away from me. And I don't want that to happen. I really don't.
And finally, as a closure, I decided that I would jot down some of the memories that I've had with him, or about him. To start off, he has the world's most beautiful, mesmerizing, dreamy eyelashes. I get a deep jolt of excitement whenever I see him. He has a quirky side to him that really attracts me. Not everyone can recognize that, of that I am sure. Honestly, I always thought the more I got to know him, the less I'd become attracted to him. It was nothing near that. If anything, it only made the beating of my heart faster. There was a period of time when he wasn't able to come to classes because he was injured really badly. I remember starting to see his face on everyone else's. And I'm baffled, as I have never experienced something quite this outlandish before. I miss him very intensely, and I mean very intensely. He can always make me smile, and he doesn't even need to try. I can't be sure if this is just an infatuation. A lust, if you will. It doesn't matter what it is and I'm not very keen on labeling in the first place. Moreover, since this is a closure, I need to start prioritizing myself before him. You either win or die trying and I'd rather take the risk than to let myself sink.
I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm good with words. Nonetheless, I have this urge to write down my feelings because one day, I might want to remember exactly how I was feeling about you. I can't watch you talk because I like your lips so much. I want to kiss them so badly and I'm so scared I might not be able to resist them and do something completely stupid. I love you with all your quirks because they make you who you are. Everything about you makes me want you even more. Your wit is probably what draws me to you the most. You are a complete package of everything I could ever wish for in someone. There are so many scenarios going on inside of my head and you're always the starring role. I wish you could see yourself like I see you. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes because you're not aware of just how precious you are. You're very godlike and you don't even see it. One day, we might meet each other again. You'll probably be with someone I wouldn't even want to know because I can't resist the thought of you letting someone else do the things I'm so desperately longing to do to and with you. All in all, you matter to me the most. No matter what you choose to do, who you pick to be with, I just won't let go of you and when one day, I meet someone who loves me like I had loved you, I'll still think of you. I love the color of your eyes and how they sparkle when you smile. I love the feeling I get whenever you look at me the way I look at you because well, sometimes, you do that. I frankly don't have a clue why you'd do that to me. I can say with all of my heart that I'd always pick you and will always love you, until my very last breath. In a hundred lifetimes and in any version of reality. I'll never stop picking you. Even if I would try to, I just couldn't do it.
It's crazy to think that it's been more than a year since the moment I fell for you. It must be so hard for girls around you to not fall for you, I mean, I actually pity them. I tried for so long to forget about you but nothing, and I mean nothing compares to you. All I care about right now is that you are happy and well. You've taught me to be selfless. So thank you for that. Whenever I walk past you or see you, I feel terrible knowing I might be disturbing you. Please don't feel like you have to make it up to me by doing or giving me something. Nothing can alleviate this pain or cure it, so to say. Just once in a while, I'd want you to check up on me. Ask me how I'm doing. I need that sometimes. Before you, I had a crush on a couple guys and if I'm being honest here, I fell for one of them and you were my escape, in a way. But then you shook me. It was great. I miss the days when I could watch you sleep or talk, I now come to the realization of how valuable those moments were. I can never get them back and they were the most that I could get but we barely even talk to each other anymore. So really, this is heavily upsetting for me. I'm getting used to it day by day, with each new person I meet. No one is nearly as perfect as you are. Also, I'm curious as to why you never said anything to me. You probably thought there wasn't any use in doing so and just acted as if I never even liked you. Maybe it's because you didn't want to break my heart or maybe you're afraid, like me. The memory of you will always be a bittersweet one for me. One thing I'm grateful for is that I didn't have to shove my love in my heart and not let you know. That's honestly one thing I managed to do right, yet I still ponder upon the possibility of us getting together. Imagine how hard it would be for me if you didn't know. And I wonder if one day I genuinely will stop thinking or daydreaming about you. I guess I'll have to find that out for myself. So take care.