Young Writers Society

There is nothing that lies between us
Except a well of unsaid things
Words which are not permitted to sound
Regrets that can never be voiced
As the days pass
And the weeks pass
The unuttered complaints and
The smothered lies
Fall like autumn leaves,
Filling that well of unsaid things.

Most of the items I would have brought up have been. I did not like the ending so much, it seemed to interrupt the flow of the poem. I also just do not like the word 'love' being used in a poem, I feel that it's over-used... but that's just a pet-peeve. Up until the end of the eighth stanza the imaging and flow was very good, it brought about good-feel vibes but, again, the ending just disrupted that.

I did like how you managed to conjure up in my mind the images that you described, and that the emotion was fairly tangible. The subject spoke to me a bit, reminescent of situations within my own life. This could reach out an touch many people. It was very good.

=)

Wow thank you, I really appreciated your review. I cant belive you read it out to your whole IT class! I was so suprised. If I was anywhere near there, i'd be so embrassed as well. This is actually one of the few poems I've ever written. Yeah you're right I get so sick of all the cliches in the world, that sometimes I think won't someone just come up with a single totally orignial idea? Yeah it is a married couple.

I very much liked this, I can say that honestly.

The emotion you filled the piece with really gets through to the reader and I liked it so much that I just read it our to my entire IT class. I got told off afterwards, but that is totally not the point.

I liked your structure and the flow is consistent all the way through which is good. I've read poems that have had a fast a jumpfrog pace and then all of a sudden, it's mellow and calm and I didn't like that much.

The idea of it all was very good. At first I was a little put off because I thought, OH dear, it's just another love poem. I mean, it is just another love peome but in it's entirety, it is so much more than that. It's about not losing love, but perhaps just becoming bored of it. People don't believe me when I say that me and my ex-boyfriend just, grew apart. But, it really does happen! This poem shows that, although this is obviously not just two teenagers in "love" - this is what makes it rather original - it is actually perhaps about a married couple, or a couple who have taken that step to moving in together?

Okay, so I'm babbling. Anyway, I liked this; you show some real potential,
GingerPraise

Hey Flora. Overall, I appreciated the effort that you invested into this piece and I like it, somewhat. However, it didn't really command my attention, mostly due to the prose that it was written and as what kitty15 stated: Lack of imagery.

What I like about it is that you told us somewhat of a story in the poem by relating the well of unsaid times to other situations or events of that nature. You made an effort to bring up other ideas that one idea could present and they are linked and have relevance so I praise you for that.

What I don't like is that though you did establish the link, it feels weak and loose. This is due to the fact that it told more than it showed and so with each new paragraph, it feels like islands of similar ideas clustered together. But I do see the link they have with the main idea of the poem, I just believe that the link could had been stronger.

If you showed the ideas however and use more imagery, then the piece will be greater in unison. This is because rather than telling us on what is happening, you are showing us. Not only will that create a stronger, more vivid picture in the reader's minds, we can deduce the poem ourselves as we read the poem, allowing the overall purpose to slowly settle into us.

Also, you used similes and metaphors too often in the poem and it starts to look like patches of purple (purple prose). Try finding other ways to express that idea in a more creative way. Using "as" or "like" etc etc can feel repetitive but more importantly, purple and the unison of the poem weakened.

Overall, I did like this piece a bit, probably from the effort which is evident in this poem. If you follow my advice, it will be much better.

Hope that helped. Good luck
Andy.

In general, the new version is better but I have a few (more) suggestions -

And chose to be merely content [This line doesn't make sense now and it should be 'choose' not chose as I mentioned previously to avoid switching tenses.]
Holding back the part of me
Aching for your caress
or touch
The way you used to pull back a stranded lock of hair
And whisper
“I love you”
Into my ear,
Like the tickle of
Butterflies brushing against my ear. [I like the last two lines but the rest of this addition is a bit long and unecessary so maybe cut part of it? Especially the 'I love you' because that phrase can be over-used and it's implied throughout the poem.]

The memories of when we first bought this house
Like a glossing coat of joy [Should be glossy coat of joy.]

Our Love was
Like a boulder on the beach
Slowly worn away
By the persistent waves and relentless rain
Until it [s]turns[/s] turned into grains of sand
Lost in a gale. [I like the imagery here but maybe mention how strong their love used to be because a boulder usually represents strength and stability.]

Overall, some good edits, keep going and this piece will be great when it's finished.

i was not reading and looking for errors, so if there are any hopefully kitty got them.

i was reading for the meaning i found in this poem. the first time i read it, i was a little confused. but i reread it slower. and wow , this is awesome. it kind of hit home.
this was very sad and well written.

great job.

kim

I like this. I think you need to add some punctuation and cut a line or two but the theme is good and you have some pleasant imagery. Here's some suggestions -

There is nothing that lies between us
Except a well of unsaid things. [I think that this is a simple but effective start.]
Things which are never given sound to ear.[I think this could be re-phrased a little. Maybe 'Words which are not permitted to sound.']
Regrets that [s]are[/s] can never be voiced.
As the days go past
And the weeks go past [Perhaps
'As the days pass,
And the weeks pass,']
[s]The little things[/s]
The unuttered complaints and
The smothered lies
Fall like autumn leaves,
Filling that well of unsaid things.

Where were you last night?
When I was home alone, you start to ask,
Yet you choke back the words
To keep that pact of silence.
The wall that is too high to be broken,
The well that is too deep to be filled.
And chose to be merely content [I think this line is awkward. Maybe
'You choose to be calm and content
But the anger and suspicion must go somewhere.']

Silence fills the room,
Smothering all laughter and joy.
The memories of when we first [s]brought[/s] bought this house
And first moved in the furniture.
[s]And[/s] The [s]1[/s]first anniversary and
The [s]1[/s]first goodbye.

The grandfather clock struck [s]12[/s] twelve
In that silent room.
Only one chair in the dinning room table [Perhaps 'Only one chair at the table.']
No more were needed.

I waited till the dinner was cold [I think 'until' would work better than till here.]
And cried my silent tears.
When you [s]come home[/s] return, I’m already asleep and
Leaving at the crack of dawn. [I think this line should either be 'You'll be gone by dawn.' or 'I'll be gone by dawn.' because it's currently not clear which person it refers to.]

The well of unsaid things
Too full of regrets and tears
Like poison
It smothered the love that was ours [I think these few lines could be improved. Maybe -
'The regrets and fallen tears,
Like poison,
Destroy the love that was ours.]
[s]Lying tossed away in the bottom of that well
Rotting and disintegrating[/s] [I don't think this is needed.]

The well is nearly full now,
Threatening to overflow.[s] at the brim[/s]

When it does, I guess it's time to leave.

_____________
Overall, I think more imagery could be added to this piece but the base of it is well written and I think it has great potential. Tidy up the grammar, maybe change a few lines and let me know if you'd like me to take a look at an edited version.

Heather xx