Just a random poem i wrote a while ago. It's not really good but please comment
Insecurity
The sound of it
In-
Secure-
Meaning
Not secure
Of whom we are?
Of our existence?
Our purpose?
Or just the bridge over the chasm
Between childhood
And adulthood.
Is it because we
Are just coming out
Peeping & peeking
Sneaking a look
Under that invisible cloak
Of childhood
Which once
Protected our innocence
Ignorance, oblivious bliss.
Peeking out at the seven sins
Greed, lust, sloth, envy, gluttony, wrath, pride
Experiencing it
Tasting it
Like a lick of morning dew
On fresh leaves.
We start with tentative baby steps
Leaving out on tippy toes
Gaining momentum we start to run
And crash in our sports cars
The need for speed drives us
Past logic and caution.
From the distorted views
Of happiness
The illusion of
Drugs, sex and wealth
That brings a sure recipe of despair
Some of us fall on our road there
Society blaming us
The ones who made us so,
We rush through that bridge
A road which takes six years
Becomes only three.
Anticipating the promise of independency.
We step on the pedal to get us there.
Shouldn’t we look around first
And enjoy the cruise instead?
So we take one last look back
At the lost girl left behind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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i actually liked this, but then i am not into ryming poems. i like the ones that are written with feeling, honestly how can something be over done? it is life, that is what we write about. i dont want to hear about trash cans, school buses ect. if we dont write about the over done subjects what is left?
i enjoyed the hidden meaning behind this.
great job.
I have to disagree with a lot of what people are saying. Art (i.e. Poetry, Novels, Plays, ETC.) reflects life. And, teenage life is for a lot of us now. I see no problem with the theme. And, it didn't seem like an angst poem which many are today.
It did seem more of a "rap" than a poem though. But, overall I enjoyed it. It was very .. true. Cars are a pivotal moment for every tennager. At the same time, they are our demise. So, I enjoyed it.
PS I despise punctuation, too.
I agree with what's been said.
Yeah the list of the seven sins, annoyed me because it didn't flow at all.
I do like it though =) The beginning I found great! I think it can be shorter, and I liked the ending too. The looking back at the lost girl left behind line was great! I think this poem did leave an impact, kinda.
I think you had some lovely imagery but the theme of the poem is a bit over-used and you don't seem to make a decisive point. It starts off about insecurity and then seems to go off on a tangent. Perhaps you could try exploring insecurity in different age groups too? How old people no longer feel safe when they're moving at a different pace to everyone, both physically and mentally.
I like the questioning at the beginning because that seems to reflect an uncertainty, an insecurity in the persona and that would be a really interesting theme to carry through the poem. Also, your flow is a little off so maybe take a second look at your punctuation and I don't like the use of the seven sins - it seems very random and quite cliché.
In general, I think you should take another look at this, pick out your favourite parts, delete some of the sections that don't link to insecurity and expand it. Let me know if you'd like me to take another look at any point,
Heather xx
I liked the part at the beginning; the questioning of what is being defined. Very nice:
What follows is alright, but a little bland. It almost seems too general, too abstract to pin down anything as significant as the first stanza:
The bridge over the chasm is nice, but the questions before that don't do a whole lot. Ultimately, the poem seems meant to be an exploration in why teenagers sometimes feel insecure. But by the end, I didn't feel like there was anything new to think about.
yeah thanks , I think I might delete some, when i posted it I was pretty unsure whether or not to do so, because it was such a rush written poem
It's not bad. I found it pretty intense but it doesn't completely captivate the reader.
As Squallz said, your poem is rather a rewrite of many ideas that already exist. I'd suggest you change the most part of it trying to make it more abstract and distant.
Try to analize it once more and don't be afraid to add or deleate junks of writing.
Keep trying,
Tessia T.
Flora, I did not like this poem. It is too sterotypical for my tastes and to me, it feels like a rewrite of the ideas that already exist in our society. It is neither mind provoking nor does it have much of an impact on me.
Also some of the ideas you've stated do not link together very well. It feels jumbled and as a result, the relevance of it is weakened.
Andy
Wow. That was really cool.
There were a couple things that bugged me. First of all, puncutation. I know that most poems don't use it, but I think that this could. It would make it a whole lot easier to read.
Why are we so insure
Should this be 'unsure' or 'insecure'?
Alright, other than that, this flowed pretty good, but can be forced at sometimes.
All in all, this is very good! Keep it up!
BBB