Young Writers Society

Hello again. I like this one quite a lot. It's not the most original theme but you make a good point and you have some nice imagery. I think you could make it better by building on the imagery that's already there, re-wording a few little bits and generally adding to it. Here's some suggestions -

Peering through the window
reflecting your disatisfied self. [Dissatisfied is spelt with double s and 'That reflects your dissatisfied self.' might flow a little better.]
You look at the manicans admirely ['Admirely' isn't a word. Maybe '...in admiration' would work.]
and wish to be more skinny.

You watch the models go past
in their gorgeous bodies[Comma here.]
fashionable clothes,
painted nails
and perfect makeup[Full stop.]
They walk with the air
of the ignorant, vain [Maybe a semi colon rather than a comma after ignorant?]
and materialistic bliss.

They strut through our streets
Like parading peacocks[Comma here.]
Always looking down their noses[Full stop.]

You stare at them[Comma.]
Not seeing what I see
And wish instead to be them[Full stop.]
You starve yourself
[s]Till[/s] Until your ribs stick out
And your hairs fall out.

Why bother going through all that pain
Just to follow the plastic zombie rave? [I like this line.]
The one that haunts our generation killing
Teenagers from the inside out[Full stop here and maybe take this a little further. Perhaps something like
'The one that haunts our generation, mutilating
Teenager from the inside until their damaged minds
Are reflected by their outward selves.]

They suck the soul of society
Leaving nothing except
More plastic posers;
Spreading like a virus
Across our empty streets.

Can’t you see your beauty inside?
What ever [Might be better as 'Whatever'] your size or shape
He will always [s]stripe[/s] strip away the mortal layers
And see the soul inside.

We may not be perfect
But to Him we’re fine
As we are and forgive us[Comma or dash maybe?]
We’re human after all.

xyberangel wrote:Peering through the window
reflecting your disatisfied self.
You look at the manicans admirely
and wish to be more skinny.

You [s]wach[/s]watch the models go past
in(Comment 1) their gorgeous bodies
fashionable clothes,
painted nails
and perfect makeup
They walk with the air
of the ignorant, vain
and materialistic bliss.

They strut through our streets
[s]Lik[/s]Like parading peacocks
Always looking below their nost(Comment 2)

You [s]star[/s]stare at them
Not seeing what I see
And wish instead to be them
You start yourself
Till your ribs stick out
And your hair fall(Comment 3) out.

Why bother going through all that pain
Just to follow the plastic zombie rave?
The one that haunts our generation killing
Teenerages(Comment 4) from the inside out

They suck the soul of society
Leaving [s]notheuing[/s]nothing except
More plastic posers
Spreading like a virus
Across our empty streets.

Can’t you see your [s]beuty[/s]beauty inside
What ever your size or shape
He will always [s]s[/s]stripe away the mortal layers
And see the soul inside.

We may not be perfect
But to Him [s]we’r[/s]we're fine
As we are and forgive us
We’re human after all.

Autor notes: do you think this is too cliche or doenst really explain itself well?

Autor notes: do you think this is too cliche or doenst really explain itself well?