Young Writers Society

It IS cheesy.

I think a lot of things here need to be clarified. I'm confused as to the relationship between the speaker "I" and subject "you". This would really help your poem, if you at least hinted at the nature of their relationship.

On the subject of cheesiness. This thing is chock-full of cliches. I mean, like, in every stanza. If you've heard it in a song or read it on a greeting card or in a cruddy movie, make it go away. Drive it out of your poem with torches and pitchforks. Cliches only hurt your poetry.
Examples of the cliches present in this poem: inner pain, smiles like sunshine, diamond in the rough, chasing away the storm, etc., etc.

-Colleen

I think you have a nice theme here but the words need quite a lot of work and more punctuation would help it flow better. Your imagery is a little weak in this one and I don't like the ending but I'll get to that in a sec. Best to start at the beginning...

Why is it when I watch you
Through closed doors
You break down
In a hidden corner
And cry.

My heart twists
As you close your shell
To the world.[This first part could be more descriptive and dramatic. Maybe something like

'Why do I hear crying
Outside your door;
When the night has come,
And you've hidden
From the world.

Each heavy droplet
That strikes the floor
Pierces my heart.]

Your hedgehog spikes
Interlock[s]s[/s] around you[A comma here I think.]
Closing the loneliness inside[Full stop here.]

You lash out
Your claws of rage [This could be stronger and it doesn't quite flow. Maybe
'You lash out
With wrathful talons;
Yet I see the little girl inside[Full stop.]
The one who is too proud
To show the inner pain. [Maybe use some imagery here.]

Yet in the morning [Perhaps 'Then, in the morning,' would be smoother.]
You wipe away your tears -
Standing bravely on [s]your[/s] thin legs -
And flash your brilliant smile[Full stop.]
Like the dawning of the sun.

I watch you laughing;
The diamond within a crowd[Comma.]
Chasing away the storm.
So bright do you shine that
You chase away
All the other clouds, [s]as your own[/s]
Dispersing them across
The world until
They fall;
[s]Its[/s] As drops of
Gentle rain.

It makes me want
To hug you
And say it’s alright[Full stop.
You’ll never be alone
Because I’m the wind
Beneath your wings. [I don't think this part works. I'm not quite sure why but I dislike the reference to the song. It feels out of place and cheesy...]

In general, I didn't like this one as much as your others and there's room for improvement but it's an interesting idea for a poem.