When I was younger, I knew I was different. I acted older. And I pushed my self to a limit where no one has been before. I made sure I was pretty. And I changed. I let my grades slip. And my best friend wasn't a virgin. My parents never dreamed of me changing. I was there only little girl. I was the girl who was brave. And I didn't care what people thought of me. And all the sudden I would get up at 4:30 in the morning to make sure my hair was straightened and my make up was right. And as my parents were losing me my brothers started wondering where there big sister was. The one who held there hand when they needed to cross the street. The one who usually there for them after school. And they found out. She was gone because of peer pressure. And all this time when she acted like she was alright and really wasn't. It hurt them to know that she was there for everyone else's problems except her own
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this one certainly starts out by tugging straight at a few heartstrings. It isn't too often that one happens to run into a story that's this short that isn't a prologue or anything but stands so solidly on its own and manages to actually illicit some properly strong emotions like this one is doing at the moment.
You've really tapped into the hearts of the readers there by showcasing a problem that's not really all that hard to relate to and showing how something that's not always so bad can in the wrong situations really start to add up on a person and then eventually take it all down a path where it can and will go horribly wrong like it appears to have in this particular piece here.
You have definitely manage to nail that style down quite nicely here. I like how so few words are wasted too. We don't get any descriptions or random backstory or even a proper name really but it just taps in strongly to the root of the message its trying to convey and gets is across powerfully here. I think you've done a wonderful job here in that sense.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello! First of all, welcome to YWS! It's great to have you here. If you need any help, feel free to bug me about anything, really.
This is going to be quick because I am supposed to be studying, but I had to comment.
First of all, you switch from "I" to "she" midway from the story. So you're going to want to change that. Would you rather talk from the first person point of view (I) or from the third person point of view (she)? Make it consistent!
Next of all, remember your alphabet! ABDCE—Action, Background, Development, Climax, Ending. A story needs all of them. Right now, you're doing B and D, but there isn't any action that's going on, which makes it not really a story. Add some! What is going on? How exactly is her waking up to put on make up changing her actions so that her actions affect other people. And how do you resolve the conflict that comes around because of this?
Pay more attention to external conflict and less on internal conflict. Then your story will be really awesome.
Hope that helps!