Young Writers Society

I'm amazed you're only 15 as this is pretty great work. Certainly far better than what I or most of us were writing at that age. I think you're only going to get better and better. I couldn't find many flaws with this. I noticed a tiny grammatical mistake with 'seems distant but I know its not' - where its should be it's. Also there should be no capital letter after a quotation, as in "such and such!" screams so-and-so.
Also, I'm unclear why the wall would be wet with blood. Surely if she was in some hospital-like enviroment the doctors wouldn't have just left a wall covered in blood. How would it get there even? A strange place for blood to end up when she's on a bed. Perhaps these are all questions that will be answered.
Anyway, the writing was precise, suspenseful, dark and chilling. I like the powerful short sentences, something I use myself. Well done!

Helping you with grammar/mistakes and the like here
Everything in ' ' is a word change or spelling correction

"Falling. falling through what seems like an endless void of nothingness." (Change of punctuation.)

"ledge from which I had fell(fallen? wrong tense.) I have fallen too far. It is as if the world was(is? wrong tense again^^)"

"CRASH. My body hits the ground and 'I' am back in reality"
"cracked walls of 'the' mansion seem tall"

"At the very edge of the ledge are seven silhouettes staring down at me. I know them well. They are all parts of me. The bad parts of me. . ." I LOVE this!
.
"find 'an' escape even 'though' I know my bones are broken."
"There is no escape for(as?) they surround me in a circle."

"A twist of my wrist makes(tells?) me that every one of my limbs"

"The pain that shoots 'through' my wrists and ankles and up my limbs"

Altogether a very intense piece, so much drama, so much panic! I want to jump right in there and help Quinn out!
I agree with all of Skim's comments too, just a few small changes will aid the direction and effect that you're hoping to achieve.
Look forward to reading more! I hope you to see more of your dramatic writing!

This is a really good beginning to a story. It is very exciting and thrilling and I am left wondering what is about to happen next. The only things I really have to say grammatical wise is first off, replace those colons in the first paragraph with semicolons. And don't be afraid to shorten your paragraphs a bit. There are a few that are more than one paragraph.
But yes I did really enjoy it! I look forward to reading your other stuff!

Hey there
I agree with skim's suggestions and believe they would improve your writing piece.
I really enjoyed reading the story and your use of present tense and first person suit it perfectly. Your description is great, especially when you describe the sounds that she hears.
It was suspenseful and kept me intrigued until the end. So far a great beginning!
I would give a more in-depth review of your grammar, but I can't at the moment. The other reviewers covered that for the most part though. Your errors were not too distracting, which is good.
Write more!

Hi Xanthe,

An interesting prolouge, here are a few ways I think you might improve this piece. (This is all my opinion by the way).

1.) "fingers grab onto empty air" --> here you may want to use a better verb, maybe grasp? Grasping or any other verb that seems more desperate may provide better imagery.

2.) "The first figure drops landing gracefully on their feet with a thud" --> 2 things: 1) shouldn't it be "the first figure drops, landing gracefully on his/her/it feet with a thud" 2) the words here don't play as nicely as they should. Its hard to imagine something "dropping gracefully", and then you add the sound effect of "thud" which indicates a not so graceful fall?
-I think you should decide what effect do you want here? Some phantom like being perhaps descending toward the ground? Or do you want them falling and landing with a thud?

3.) "My eyes strain to see the figures from the ledge but they can just make out the outlines of their bodies" ---> here the way you phrase this is slightly confusing. I'm assuming that these figures are already on the ground, but then you describe them as figures from the ledge. Although its easy enough to understand you are describing them from before they fall to the ground, but this description is confusing at a first glance.

4.) "The pain that shoots my wrists and ankles and up my limbs does not matter but I scream anyway. I have no hope of escaping so what difference does it make if I try or not." --> this is an opinion by all means, but I feel like this last sentence contradicts the earlier two in the paragraph. She screams because she has hopes right? If she didn't, it sort of makes sense that she wouldn't try to get away.

Interesting start, would like to see this progress farther.

Hai! This is the AlexSushiDog here! I'll be reviewing you today
First off, I thought this was very good, I learnt a few things myself actually. Your varied sentence length, great and colourful vocabulary and the mystery of what the hell is going on, make for a very interesting read and a good hook. You got a very good balance of not telling and telling to keep the reader interested while also giving them a vague idea so they don't get confused.
You also seem to have a very good control over tension and fear and this prologue seems worthy of the title horror!
As always though, no novel is perfect:
"Take me home. . ." The ellipse would probably be better of being a exclamation.
"The white wall beside me is painted with red paint, still wet and running." Why would it "still" be running? Has Quinn been here before?
"It is not paint. It is blood." would probably be better of sentence structure wise being "It is not paint, it is blood..." But that is just my own opinion.
"It speaks lies! Don't listen to it, Quinn. They will never make it better. " Would make more sense with exclamation marks instead of periods.
Also the second half of it like @capriciouscoralyn said, would probably be better as a chapter 1.

Disregard all I have said if you want, some of the stuff might be on purpose for an effect I don't know.
I really enjoyed this read, it painted a rich picture in my mind filled with gore and fear! It was great! If this was a finished prologue I would definitely read the next chapter.
This is a great idea Xanthe, if you post another chapter I will be happy to review that too!
Good luck!
-Sushi

Hello! This is Coralyn and here's my attempt of a review of this work of yours. It's still the prologue though so I can't say that I'm looking for an exact plot as I read through it. But for now, I shall leave the specific elements for later and point out some grammatical concerns (which I'm sure to be incomplete as for now).

"-- from which I had fell -- " in your fourth paragraph, if I counted right, should either be "I fell" or if you insist with "had," you might as well change it to "I had fallen"

For the next paragraph, "My body hits the ground and am back in reality" seems to point a bit of unparallelism since "am" doesn't refer to "I." So if we were to break it down into two sentences, it would be "My body hits the ground. My body am back in reality." which contains an error. So you could put "I" before "am back in reality." As for "in reality," I thought "to reality" was a better way to put it. In the same paragraph, you might consider "The dull, cracked walls of mansion" as "The dull, cracked walls of the mansion."

I didn't notice any more of these concerns so I better leave that. Or at least I didn't notice any more distinct since everything almost came out fluidly.

As for the work being a prologue, I thought that the part where she falls and the part where she wakes up were of different chapters. I mean, the first part could be the prologue and the rest would be chapter one because usually, a prologue depicts one scene. Plus, the latter part would do great as a first chapter. But I guess, the reason why they are squeezed into a prologue is because it is completely detached from the chapters, which I still have no idea about yet. Nevertheless, I like this. It leaves many questions and it could develop into a wonderful opening for a series of chapters. The readers are curious about Quinn which is good. Chronology-wise, it was perfect. Starting with a dream (or at least we don't know whether it was a dream or not) was a good way to go but we should have at least an idea why it was there in the first place. What does it reveal about the story? What was its purpose?

I look forward to this story nevertheless. I wonder what the prologue means so I'll be keeping an eye on your story for awhile if it justifies this well. Keep on writing! I like how fluid you write too, so I hope to see more of that! No awkward pauses well, at least until before she wakes up. The pause was needed there to construct a change of scene.