Hi my name is Sammie. I was 15 when I died and brought back to life, well I'm not really sure if I am human or not, I mean I still do the things that humans do, but people call me the freak and I have a good enough reason for it. I think I'm intelligent and there is only one person that knows this about me, and that's the person who brought me back to life, from my grave, from the crossing between heaven and earth, and most of all he took away everything that I have ever loved. His name is Jared, he once said to me, "You will thank me someday for this. What I have gave to you, bringing you back to life. You will save the world someday, and shall I be there when you do so. You will soon fall in love with someone and which you want it to be Jack, but I'm sorry to say is that he is not, you will have to figure it out your own self." I can see the future, past, and present of other people, but not myself or Jared. I can read peoples mind by just looking into there eyes, in peron or in pciture. I can tel how they dies, whenever I see a picture of anyone. It's hard to have all of the visions that I have, but I have learned to block them out.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi.
This one long sentence. I would break it up a little. I was 15 when I died and was brought back to life. Well, I'm not really sure if I'm human or not. I mean, I still do things humans do...
I'm pretty sure this should be what I have given you.
I can read people's minds by just looking into their eyes, in person or in a picture.
I would like to have been shown how she died and was brought back to life, but I think this is an okay start to your story.
--McMourning
Hey there,
To begin, I'm not sure if the title of this should be the Beginning of my book, because Bigging is technically not a word, but if it was, it would probably mean that something is getting bigger. Beginning is to the start, the present tense of begin, which is the word I think you want to have here.
It's hard to give adequate criticism on this, because it's such a tiny clipping of a story! It would be ideal if the story explored more, you know? Went a bit further into the detail of things, explored more along the lines of plot and such. It's good to see that your lines are fluent and punctuation is well placed, but! I think you need to work on pacing.
I would say to stretch this out a lot more. Introduce us to the main character, introduce us to Jared, give us this information one slow bit at a time. Remember not to rush your story, because if you rush through it, you will lose your reader's interest, and pretty much lose the whole point in writing it.
I can tel how they dies, whenever I see a picture of anyone. It's hard to have all of the visions that I have, but I have learned to block them out.
> Tel should be tell
> dies should be died; you want past perfect here, not present active.
> anyone should be someone. Or them -- I'm not sure, haha, but it sounds awkward.
I can't say if it's good or bad in ways of plot, but it definitely needs elaboration. If you need further assistance, PM me!
Best of luck!
June