Young Writers Society

Hey again fourthelement!
Here's my crit. I hope it helps.

xxfourthelement wrote:Author's Note: Okay, here's the deal. Last year, I wrote a light sci-fi novel about six teenagers who were transformed using a chemical formula into superheroes. The first chapter went through about fifteen rewrites and edits, total.
BUT.
After reading the entire story, I realized: oh, crap, the opening chapter doesn't fit with the style of the rest of the novel.
So I wrote a brand-new opening chapter. But I need some real help on it.

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FILE 1: Court/Martial

The city of Toledo, located in the northwest corner of Ohio at the juncture between the Maumee River and Lake Erie, was not blessed with beautiful weather. In fact, some of its residents found that it had terrible weather. The lake effect brought a lot of snow in the winter, and the summers were hot and humid. August, however, wasn't usually too [s]so[/s] bad. The air was thick and muggy, but there was sometimes rain to cool things down, and at least there wasn't any snow to contend with.
The city residents didn't enjoy the break from wet weather. Because of the nearby nuclear plant, terrorists liked to try and blow things up. Terrorism was relatively common in the nation, and almost everybody could say that they knew somebody who'd been in a terrorist attack – if they hadn't been in one themselves. I liked this part. It kind of hits you full in the face. I would try and smooth the part between the weather and the nuclear plant because it felt a bit abrupt and disconected. Just lead into it a bit more with a sentence or two.
This day in particular was just before the city public schools were slated to begin, and the county courthouse was in full swing of business. There were several cases, as usual, for the judges to deal with.
One case they hadn't counted on was that of the black-clad gang that had burst in with AK-47s to demand the release of a terrorist leader.
Considering that the three men had guns trained on the mayor and two council members, the police reluctantly gave in to their request. After unlocking the man on trial, the four ran through the courthouse and out through a door on the side. They raced around the front of the building quickly, knowing that the police from the station across the street could soon arrive.
Unfortunately for them, the police didn't arrive.
A streak of purple and black collided with the man in the back. He fell face-first to the ground. His comrades heard the noise and stopped, turning. Their jaws slackened with shock.
A teenage girl in a black-and-purple suit [s]uniform[/s] smiled back.
A moment later, a blast of flame licked two of the men's hands, quickly replaced by a layer of ice. They howled in pain, now frozen to their weapons. Two more teens – a boy with light blue stripes on his uniform and a girl with glowing orange hair and a red-striped uniform – had appeared Try not to repeat the word uniform .
The fourth man turned to run. He collided with what felt like a brick wall. A boy covered in what appeared to be turtle-shell skin stood in front of the terrorist. He scrambled backwards, then found himself being lifted into the air by an unseen force controlled by a girl who wore a white stripe on her black uniform.
The purple-striped girl motioned, and the red-striped girl and the light blue-striped boy moved to restrain the man she was still standing on. He struggled for a moment, until the boy caused a layer of ice to form on his wrists.
Purple, as she was called, moved forward to the man that White had restrained I agree with the above reviewers. Try not to name them after colors. Maybe instead have Violet, Scarlet, other names that are a bit more common. It's a little unsettling when you read color names . Dark Gray had seized him from the air and was pinning him against his chest.
Purple smiled. “Did you really think you could outrun the Team Erie Canal Heroes?”

Hi! Interesting start to you novel, I could see how this could turn into a really awesome story. A few things though:

I really didn't like the way you approached writing this chapter. The bulk of the scene consists of the gang of teenagers coming in with guns to release a terrorist leader. See, now that's pretty exciting, high tension stuff. But for some inexplicable reason, you begin the chapter by describing wheather? Call me crazy, but that's a strange transition into a high action hostage situation thing.

Also, you do way too much telling in this chapter, especially at the beginning. You start by telling about the wheather, the city, the circumstances involving terrorists, etc. This is bad, as you're basically trying to summarize the whole setting of your novel in few short paragraphs. All these details about terrorists and the like should be brought out gradually during the course of your story, because as the plot unfolds your reader will inevitably learn everything about your setting without you having to come out and say, "This is how everything is."

And because you start with this kind of telling at the beginning, which creates a very detached kind of feeling for the reader, it becomes very awkward when you suddenly jump into the specific scene with the gang. My advice for you would be to start with them breaking in with guns and causing a huge deal, and do your best to play out that scene for all its worth and not to worry about bringing in all the exposition that you have at the beginning. That way your story starts with lots of action, and you don't bog down the reader with boring details before they even get a chance to get into your story. Try rewriting the chapter that way, and see if it doesn't turn out a whole lot better. ^_^

[s]BlackGhost[/s]

Hi, here as requested.

located in the northwest corner of Ohio at the juncture between the Maumee River and Lake Erie,

a boy with light blue stripes on his uniform and a girl with glowing orange hair and a red-striped uniform

You've got the techniques, the skills, and the idea. Use them when you re-draft and, most importantly, add a little life to the characters. They need to struggle so they can show how good they really are, and what sort of people they are.

*tips hat* Good evening. You posted in my thread, you get a critique. Voila.

1. Opening chapter blues

Mmmk, so it's your first chapter. What you don't want to do here, is to scare off your readers. There's lots of different ways of doing this, but the only one I feel you're getting close to is the "information overload" one. The reason you're falling foul of this rule is because you're trying to introduce a butt-load of characters within a very short space of time. So chill. If this is a novel you're going to be spending lots of time developing the characters so you don't have to describe them all at once.

You don't need to mention their names or attribute the abilities to the individual characters. By all means describe the abilities, but leave it mysterious so the reader can re-read the first chapter, once they're finished the book, and recognise them.

2. Plausibility

Considering that the three men had guns trained on the mayor and two council members, the police reluctantly gave in to their request.

The city of Toledo, located in the northwest corner of Ohio at the juncture between the Maumee River and Lake Erie, was not blessed with beautiful weather.

In fact[s], some of its residents found that [/s]it had terrible weather.

Because of the nearby nuclear plant, terrorists liked to try and blow things up.

In fact, some of its residents found that it had terrible weather

Team Erie Canal Heroes