Author's Note: Okay, here's the deal. Last year, I wrote a light sci-fi novel about six teenagers who were transformed using a chemical formula into superheroes. The first chapter went through about fifteen rewrites and edits, total.
BUT.
After reading the entire story, I realized: oh, crap, the opening chapter doesn't fit with the style of the rest of the novel.
So I wrote a brand-new opening chapter. But I need some real help on it.
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FILE 1: Court/Martial
The city of Toledo, located in the northwest corner of Ohio at the juncture between the Maumee River and Lake Erie, was not blessed with beautiful weather. In fact, some of its residents found that it had terrible weather. The lake effect brought a lot of snow in the winter, and the summers were hot and humid. August, however, wasn't usually so bad. The air was thick and muggy, but there was sometimes rain to cool things down, and at least there wasn't any snow to contend with.
The city residents didn't enjoy the break from wet weather. Because of the nearby nuclear plant, terrorists liked to try and blow things up. Terrorism was relatively common in the nation, and almost everybody could say that they knew somebody who'd been in a terrorist attack – if they hadn't been in one themselves.
This day in particular was just before the city public schools were slated to begin, and the county courthouse was in full swing of business. There were several cases, as usual, for the judges to deal with.
One case they hadn't counted on was that of the black-clad gang that had burst in with AK-47s to demand the release of a terrorist leader.
Considering that the three men had guns trained on the mayor and two council members, the police reluctantly gave in to their request. After unlocking the man, the four ran through the courthouse and out through a door on the side. They raced around the front of the building quickly, knowing that the police from the station across the street could soon arrive.
Unfortunately for them, the police didn't arrive.
A streak of purple and black collided with the man in the back. He fell face-first to the ground. His comrades heard the noise and stopped, turning. Their jaws slackened with shock.
A teenage girl in a black-and-purple uniform smiled back.
A moment later, a blast of flame licked two of the men's hands, quickly replaced by a layer of ice. They howled in pain, now frozen to their weapons. Two more teens – a boy with light blue stripes on his uniform and a girl with glowing orange hair and a red-striped uniform – had appeared.
The fourth man turned to run. He collided with what felt like a brick wall. A boy covered in what appeared to be turtle-shell skin stood in front of the terrorist. He scrambled backwards, then found himself being lifted into the air by an unseen force controlled by a girl who wore a white stripe on her black uniform.
The purple-striped girl motioned, and the red-striped girl and the light blue-striped boy moved to restrain the man she was still standing on. He struggled for a moment, until the boy caused a layer of ice to form on his wrists.
Purple, as she was called, moved forward to the man that White had restrained. Dark Gray had seized him from the air and was pinning him against his chest.
Purple smiled. “Did you really think you could outrun the Team Erie Canal Heroes?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Hey again fourthelement!
Here's my crit. I hope it helps.
Interesting beginning. Some of you word choices felt a bit awkward so that's what I changed above. I couldn't find anything grammatically wrong with this chapter.
The Goodness:
I LOVED the voice you used when you described the weather.
Stuff that could use a little work:
Rush Rush Rush: Okay, although the action didn't move too fast, your transition in the first paragraph from shifting the focus from the weather to the nuclear plant was a bit too fast. It just didn't feel connected. Add another sentence or two saying, The Erie Canal residents were least concerned with the weather. or something like that, to ease the flow.
Show Me a Story: Telling vs. Showing. Everyone does it. Since you have such a beautiful descriptive voice, you will be able to make the transition to showing easier. For example, you say: The terrorists came in with AK-47s and demanded that the prisoner be released. Instead of telling us that you could say: The door burst open and the entire congregation turned. A man dressed in a bullet-proof outfit followed by three companions pointed an AK-47 at the mayor. "Release the prisonor. Or else," he said.
The mayor gulped losening his tie as the a woman in the front row fainted. "Promise me that no one with get hurt," he said, his voice shaky. (I think you get the point). We want to be able to see the action, not just hear about it, so show us.
Characterizations: When you talk about your superheroes I wouldn't focus on their uniforms. Talk about something different about each of them. What their powers are, what they physically look like, etc. Also, I would change their names, but that's me.
Other than that, you have the makings of a great story on your hands. I didn't mean to be too harsh, I just want to help you improve as a writer. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
Hi! Interesting start to you novel, I could see how this could turn into a really awesome story.
A few things though:
I really didn't like the way you approached writing this chapter. The bulk of the scene consists of the gang of teenagers coming in with guns to release a terrorist leader. See, now that's pretty exciting, high tension stuff. But for some inexplicable reason, you begin the chapter by describing wheather? Call me crazy, but that's a strange transition into a high action hostage situation thing.
Also, you do way too much telling in this chapter, especially at the beginning. You start by telling about the wheather, the city, the circumstances involving terrorists, etc. This is bad, as you're basically trying to summarize the whole setting of your novel in few short paragraphs. All these details about terrorists and the like should be brought out gradually during the course of your story, because as the plot unfolds your reader will inevitably learn everything about your setting without you having to come out and say, "This is how everything is."
And because you start with this kind of telling at the beginning, which creates a very detached kind of feeling for the reader, it becomes very awkward when you suddenly jump into the specific scene with the gang. My advice for you would be to start with them breaking in with guns and causing a huge deal, and do your best to play out that scene for all its worth and not to worry about bringing in all the exposition that you have at the beginning. That way your story starts with lots of action, and you don't bog down the reader with boring details before they even get a chance to get into your story. Try rewriting the chapter that way, and see if it doesn't turn out a whole lot better. ^_^
[s]BlackGhost[/s]
Hi, here as requested.
This is too much info. As a reader, it doesn't really matter to me about where Toledo is, just as long as it's there (meaning, as long as there's a setting to it).Readers don't really care what a character is wearing because, unless it's signifant, there's no point for it in the story.
*Nods at everything Charlie said* He's completly right about the characters. You don't have to introduce them all at once. Use the element of surprise. Make them burst through a wall or something and introduce them then.
*Nods rapidly*
Listen to what Charlie said; I couldn't have told you any better or in as many words.
I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help but PM me if you need anything.
-alwaysawriter
*tips hat* Good evening. You posted in my thread, you get a critique. Voila.
1. Opening chapter blues
Mmmk, so it's your first chapter. What you don't want to do here, is to scare off your readers. There's lots of different ways of doing this, but the only one I feel you're getting close to is the "information overload" one. The reason you're falling foul of this rule is because you're trying to introduce a butt-load of characters within a very short space of time. So chill. If this is a novel you're going to be spending lots of time developing the characters so you don't have to describe them all at once.
You don't need to mention their names or attribute the abilities to the individual characters. By all means describe the abilities, but leave it mysterious so the reader can re-read the first chapter, once they're finished the book, and recognise them.
2. Plausibility
This is not proper procedure in any country I know of. If, indeed, a country is familiar with terrorist attacks as you've described, then it would certainly not give in to terrorist demands. Once you set a precedent for things like that you're asking for others to have a go at it too.
If, however, you mean that the terrorists were freeing their leader from the courthouse itself then you need to make this more specific, but it's still verging on implausibility. I know it's going down a "super-hero" route, but keep it kind of realistic.
3. Voice
This sentence is too long. Worse, it is dumping information on the reader when they want it the least. The very first sentence in your novel is a hook. Don't underestimate it. You want to get your reader involved, not force them to stomach an unnecessary collection of facts!
I agree with Clo. This could be muchos better if the stricken bit was removed. I like the voice of the piece here, it's relaxed and humourous, but I have to highlight next where it changes.
If I had been eating or drinking when I read this, I would have probably sprayed it over the book and anyone in the immediate vicinity.
Conclusion
I have to warn you: I liked this piece. There was nothing wrong superficially with the spelling or grammar, and it's a nice change to read something that someone has actually put some effort into. Don't doubt that this is good. It is. It could just be even better.
The first thing you need to do in re-drafting is to increase the length of this chapter. It's just not got enough substance to work with. You're sitting on a potentially brilliant idea, but it is smothered and doesn't have room to breathe. I would increase the length, but also reduce the number of characters you introduce here. Yes, I know they're a team; and yes, I know they always work together; but the characters are the most important parts of any story and you need to let them be themselves.
The only character that I can identify with at the moment is Purple. (Interesting choice with the names, I wonder whether you'll be able to pull it off without it becoming annoying. We shall see.) She seems ever so slightly arrogant, in charge, and acts as if she completely enjoys her "job". That's good, but you could be developing her further. The reader wants flesh. The reader wants to be able to identify with her, and the others for that matter, so that when she's in a tricky situation they'll care. And, when she finally gets the boy of her dreams, the reader wants to be attached to her enough to feel like jumping up and cheering. Give them the flesh, and then you'll be onto something special.
You've got the techniques, the skills, and the idea. Use them when you re-draft and, most importantly, add a little life to the characters. They need to struggle so they can show how good they really are, and what sort of people they are.
Good luck. I'm looking forward to the re-draft and the other chapters.
Yours,
Charlie
I think you should rephrase the last part, since it sounds a little lame with the prior sentence. Maybe "some of its residents found that it's weather was best described as atrocious". Or whatever'd you wish!
Haha! I live in the nook of Lake Erie! YAH, LOCAL PRIDE!
I'm not really a big fan of them being named colors, but that might grow on me. I think it would be better if you used a fancier name of the colors. Like, instead of Purple, "Lilac", or light blue would be "Cyan" and the like.
It is written very well. I have nothing to say for the writing - I'd like to see more of the storyline! Are you going to post the following chapters? Because this was rather short. It was exciting though - starting a story with a hijacking and then defending superheroes.
Very nice.