Win me if you can (Teacher/student relationship) Chapter 1

Welcome to Young Writers Society!

Firstly, you seem to capitalize oddly, in middle of sentences where there's no need to capitalize. For example, "Oh How rude of me," I only took a fraction of the sentence, but 'how' should not be capitalized. Instead, say it as "Oh, how rude of me,' with a comma after the 'oh.' Also, T.V. is is capitalized in both letter, but I think you just did that by accident.

Another point to remember, punctuation. Example, "He said jumping up and down on the bed." There should be a period after it.

Another thing, you should separate dialogue when it's being said by two different people. So, ""Dani I lofeeee Yoooooooou" My 5 years old brother Jack said while laughing showing his small teeth "Joooo I Love you more" I said kissing his cheek then getting up walking towards the T.v "What do you want to watch?" I asked looking at the shelf of cartoon C.Ds searching for a good movie to watch "Monster Inc." He said jumping up and down on the bed "You made me watch that thousands and thousands time but whatever" I said sighing don't get me wrong I love that movie but Jake just never get bored of that he watches it day and night But what can I say I can't let that cutiee down. I grabbed the C.D Put it in the DVD and sat down next to Jackey on the bed." This is the paragraph.

With changes such as punctuation when needed, and changes to keep the current present tense, and dialogue, the paragraph would change to,
""Dani, I loveee Yoooou!" My five-year-old brother Jack says while laughing, showing his small teeth.

"Jooo, I love you more!" I say while kissing his cheek. "What do you want to watch?" I ask while I sit at the shelf of cartoon DVDs, searching for fun movie.

"Monster Inc!" Jake jumps up an down on the bed.

"You make me watch thousands and thousands of times." I sigh. Don't get me wrong, I like the movie too, but Jake never gets tired of the movie. What can I say though? I can't let that cutie down. I grab the DVD and slide it in. When the screen switches on, I slide next to Jake."

You use three different names for the same person: Jo, Jake, Jacky. Try not to use so many names, especially in one paragraph.

These are just a few points to remember.

It's an interesting story though. I don't hear of much that are teacher/student related. mainly because it costs the teacher their job and possibly turn into a sex offender case, even if both teacher and student don't object to each other. I hope this one has a happy ending.

However, since you do use fowl language, I suggest changing the rating, since it is not E for Everyone.

You're doing well, you just need to a few consistent changes. Also, try exploring different dialogue use since it is often, "what a person says" <what a person does>. It might make a huge difference in your novel.

In other words, the main things you need to fix are adding commas in, you're missing a lot of uses for them; adding periods or some form that ends the sentence clearly, it's especially missing in dialogue or before dialogue; and finally, spacing for dialogues into separate paragraphs. With just these three things, you'll be beginning to improve a lot. But don't forget to make sure to keep the same tense, whether it is past tense or present tense, keep it consistent. Okay?

Hope this wasn't too much for you and is worthwhile!

Good luck and keep going!

Again, welcome to Young Writers Society. Enjoy yourself here and work hard.

So, first thing, you should keep your first three lines together, as one sentence, since they all go together and the formatting is a little awkward with them separated. The dialogue tag that goes along with her singing and throwing her brother on the bed is awkwardly written. Maybe change it up a bit? [I sang to my brother, while I threw him on the bed, laughing.] Or something similar to make it flow easier.

You should make the ‘y’ on you lowercase; it has no reason to be capitalized. You also forgot the punctuation for his statement. I would probably end it with an exclamation point. You should write out the word ‘five’ since having the number there looks and reads rather unprofessionally. And the correct terminology is ‘five-year-old brother.’ The dialogue tag on this is also written awkwardly, and reads as such. [….Jack said while laughing showing his small teeth…] maybe change to something more like […Jack said, his laughter made all of his small teeth show…]

You should start a new paragraph whenever a new character starts to speak; it’s just a rule of grammar. Plus, it makes it look far less cluttered and helps keep your writing in order and is less confusing to readers. Both letters in ‘T.V.’ are capitalized.

You also need to remember to punctuate the ends of dialogue. [You made me watch that thousands and thousands of times but whatever] The sentence should read, [You made me watch that thousands of times, but whatever.] You neglect the use of commas, so your sentences are really long and don’t have breaks. Say your sentences out loud, and wherever you take a break to breathe, add a comma.

The character stating her name, age, and pedigree is rather cliché. There’s better ways of introducing your MC without a total info dump about her entire life story. [*sigh*] is not the proper way to show that your character sighs. You’re writing a story, not roleplaying or texting your BFF. [I sighed, thinking of my older brother.] Same goes with [*long pause*]

Also, avoid capitalizing words that don’t need it. First words, the word ‘I’, and proper nouns are the only things that should be capitalized in a sentence.

And I know I’ve said it before, but you need to make a new paragraph whenever a new character speaks. I can’t keep track of who’s saying what.

I think you need to take a really good second look at this, because it really has a lot of errors that you should fix.