thanks for all your comments and suggestions. ^^
i can change the punctuation a bit but im a bit lost as to how to change the overall rhythm so i'll take that into account for future writing pieces.
thanks again!
REUNiON
I met her on an old path,
a long forsaken lane.
Her embrace was soft and sweet
with the roses of yesterday.
Her eyes still shone with,
starry hopes not yet dimmed
And her mind still soared with,
visions not yet conceived
I looked at her in wonder
and something stirred within,
An old forgotten memory,
A musty faded dream.
In her revelry she failed to
see the shadows on my face
Yet her soul, so crystal-clear
reflected my flame.
In her childish innocence
she failed to understand.
But she reached out to take
my hand. And I remembered
All I had fought to protect
I'd lost along the way.
and now on this deserted road
We had met again
I had found me.
thanks for all your comments and suggestions. ^^
i can change the punctuation a bit but im a bit lost as to how to change the overall rhythm so i'll take that into account for future writing pieces.
thanks again!
Very good, very good. I agree with the others, the rhythm, at times, threw me a little. There were a couple times when it was kind of stop/start, stop/start.
It may be (and probably just is, but you might want to think about it anyways) my own likes and dislikes but these lines
"Her eyes still shone with
Starry hopes not yet dimmed
And her mind still soared with
Visions not yet conceived "
...although beautiful, particularly threw me. It always seems to awkward to end with...with. I'm sorry, I'm not making much sense.
But all in all, I loved the poem. The thought behind it is so deep.
I'd like to see just a little bit more punctuation; the rhythm seems to falter at times and I think shortening the sentences and/or adjusting your punctuation would help smooth that problem out.
Other than that, though, I was agreeably surprised by the ending, and the placement of "and I remembered" was particularly well done. A pretty little piece - kudos!
Cheers,
~bubbles
PS: Welcome to YWS! Remember to keep your post ratio at 2 crits to every 1 piece you submit 
Wow, that was a good poem, although at some parts I found myself halting a bit to get synchronized in it's rhythm.
An old forgotten memory
A musty faded dream
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