Published November 25, 2011
I'm with this boy but he doesn't even know I exist. He never loved me. why ask me out when I your just going to treat me like this. You player you jerk. I was so dumb to even say yes to you. when I say a word to you, you just ignore me and pretend I'm not there. When I get hurt you never show sympathy or grief for me. but why should you care for any of that stuff. Your popularity and friends are so much more important than me. Just forget about me and move on with your life and just leave me there with a bleeding broken heart. No matter what you will never care. Your not my love and you never were.......
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Hey! Thalizar here!
I like this, for a first poem. You say you're only eleven so I'll let a few things slide. It's already been said that most poems are in stanza form. This would have helped, as when I first started reading it, I thought it was just a short paragraph. Have a look at how some other poems are written.
If you do want to come back to this, I understand its a hard subject, I've written poems whilst in bad spots and I know they're hard to get back to, but if you do feel like it, I would try masking things in imagery (metaphors, personification etc. (If you don't know these yet, don't worry! High School/Secondary School will sort that out!))
Overall, it was good. There was emotion there. It was easy to follow and I did enjoy it, but for future notes, follow the advice you've been given and I'm sure you'll grow to become quite the poet!
That was very good and I'm sorry your boyfriend was stupid enough to treat you wrong. No girl deserves that. The one thing I didn't like was that, if it's a poem, isn't it supposed to be in stanzas? You know, kind of like paragraphs in a story. That's the only thing I noticed. Well there was also barely any use of poetic devices- metaphors, hyphenated- modifiers, etc. Otherwise, it was very good. Keep writing and good luck.
Ehh, haven't all girls been in this same situation? It is very depressing. This is a really short piece so my review probably won't be too long. First, like Becca said, this doesn't look like a poetry format. Poetry is usually shorter phrases not complete sentences, though I have seen poetry in many forms. If I wrote this in more of poetry format it might look something like this (just a quick example, I don't think you should write your poetry exactly like I write mine!)
or like this:
See how however you organize your poem it changes the meaning, rhythm, and tone? It is really fun to play around with poems to see how you can make them different just by changing the line structure! I think you should toy around with this poem.
One thing I think this poem lacked was imagery. I didn't really picture anything. Use metaphors and figurative language to spice up your poetry!
The last problem I found was that at first you were talking about your relationship with this boy, but by the end you were talking directly too the boy. It really should just be one or the other not both...
Besides that I just have a few nitpicks:
If you have any questions about this review or you want another one just P.M. me! I hope I helped.
- Calli
Thanks. Sorry for the way it's written eh I'm only eleven pretty young I KNOW...... But I'll look at the poetry thanks.
Welcome to YWS, I can see this is your first post.
I'm really sorry about your boyfriend acting like a jerk. Although all written expression is welcome, I would say this is more free verse/prose than poetry. Poems are generally written in stanza form. Try looking at other poetry on YWS and see how it is written.
Keep speaking your mind and try experimenting with different types of writing.