Published April 1, 2010
Changing...
The winds whips at your hair,
the leaves rustle through the air.
Soon to be green,
and soon to be seen.
Animals awaken from slumber,
and a trance we will be under,
for spring is on its way,
and the animals will all come out to play.
So stop and think,
before you wash your face in the sink,
whats outside your little house.
The world is constantly changing, are you?
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Thanks for the criticism, Im not too expeirianced...so I needed it. I know you mean well if it so much as makes me feel a little down, but thats what'll make me get better, right? So thanks!
counting syllables does not a good poem make, but it helps if you are at least aware. the only rhyme that seemed really forced to me was the sink one, that kind of came out of no where and was really inconsistent with the rest of the poem. The bold stuff was stupid, you don't have to make stuff bold. Just don't do that, not until you've got a better mastery of the craft.
I think your poem would benefit most from some more sensory detail. Spring has smells, sounds, even tastes that are not in this poem. The only sound we get is leaves rustling and that's pretty cliche. I'd say spending some time outside would help with this poem, also I recommend reading some poetry other then the poetry on this website. You know, some established stuff.
best,
Hello xxKittyKatxx! I will be your reviewer today.
Even though other people might not like the color change, I like the pink font. haha.
Your poem is pretty good in terms of end rhymes and imagery. I have a few suggestions that might bolster the effectiveness and power of your poem.
What I mean by a rhyme being forced is that you use an irrelevant line within your observation just so that it rhymes. My suggestion is to either find an end rhyme that works with this seasonal change theme or not write poetry in rhyme. I am awful at writing poetry without rhyme so I only write poetry if I know that I could rhyme it and have the entire poem be relevant to the theme of my choosing.
Another thing would be syllable count. If you have Line 1 that is supposed to rhyme with Line 2 it should be symmetrical. It's ok for it to not be completely symmetrical though.
For example:
"for spring is on its way,/and the animals will all come out to play."
"for spring is on its way..." That is six syllables.
"...and the animals will all come out to play." That is eleven syllables.
Also, as for the last two lines. If you are going to make your poem have a rhymes scheme then you should stick with it. For instance, you cannot add six couplets to a sonnet. That doesn't follow the rule of a sonnet.
If you have any questions, comments, or you just want to talk PM me and I will be more than happy to help.
See you around!
Much Love,
Chris