Published May 23, 2010
The world has gone pitch black,
happiness is what I lack.
I need a hand to guide me,
rather than to hide me.
Im alone in a black hole.
Yes black, black as coal.
Shivver and shutter,
mumble and sputter.
Could someone help me?
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141,733 Literary Works • 675,641 Reviews
Well my focus wasnt literally a black hole,
it was more of a metaphore. But thanks for the
pointers, ideas, and ect. Its greatly appreciated. (:
Hey KittyKat!
This is just me, but I would really like to see you describe the black hole. I'm kind of a science geek, so I would really love it if you could expand this, possibly to hold vivid imagery of the black hole. Otherwise, your poem gives me the image of Acme Portable Holes (like in Looney Tunes!) instead of this:
Which may actually be your intent..
Anyway, just a thought!
Hello there, and welcome to YWS. I see you're pretty new, but you're off to a good start with the reviewing. :D
As far as your poem goes, it was short and simple, which aren't necessarily bad things. The thing about short, simple poems is that people are more likely to notice things that aren't all that great about the poem, such as, for instance, the forced rhyme scheme. While you did a good job of making sure the syllables matched up in each rhyming line, it's pretty obvious that some of the lines are only there to rhyme and not because they're important to the poem. These lines also caused a jumping around in ideas, which wasn't good either. For example, how does shivering and sputtering tie into the black hole?
Not all poems have to rhyme, and even with poems that do rhyme, I find it helps to write out what you want to say in regular prose before formatting it into a poem. It makes it much easier to keep ideas together so that you don't jump around and confuse the reader, and it's easier to figure out how to rhyme things so they sound natural.
I hope that was helpful. Keep writing.
Wow, I really liked this a lot. It was good in a totally simplistic way, and you also got the point across easily.
Good job,
Jane