Young Writers Society

Hello, Em here with the review as requested.

Spelling and grammar:

‘“Y-you're the one. The one who's been murdering them.” her voice was soft….’ Should be, ‘“Y-you're the one. The one who's been murdering them,” her voice was soft…’ There’s a comma instead of a full stop.

‘“Y-you're kidding, ri-right?” She asked…’ should be, ‘“Y-you're kidding, ri-right?” she asked…’ because that whole bit is one sentence, and the ‘she’ should have no capital to show that.

‘“L-let me give you a warning, you psycho!” She yelled…’ same as above, the ‘she’ should have no capital.

Abdomin should be abdomen.

‘“If I'm the most important, then why the hell aren't you killing yourself?” She spat out venomously…’ again the ‘she’ should have no capital.

‘“You're i-insane...” She whispered…’ Yet again the ‘she’ should have no capital.

Ahold should be a hold.

‘She was in so much pain... was I- but it didn't matter, right? As long as we were together.’ This sentence doesn’t make overly much sense to me.

‘“If you're going to kill me...” She whispers.’ Last but not least, this ‘she’ should also have no capital.

Manical should be maniacal.


Now onto what I thought:

I did notice you changed tenses a fair bit, this makes it a little confusing to fix. I suggest you choose a tense that you feel most comfortable with and stick with it.

Your first paragraph really grabs hold of the reader. Your character is acting very suspicious and the woman is acting strange. This creates a nice interest. After that you have a nice bit of background information on this murderer. I love how it’s his point of view of the story. Being someone who has a bit of ‘crazy’ in my blood I found it much amusing. Your description of the action was highly entertaining and sickening. Your general plot was clever and well thought. I really liked your ending, how it went further into the depth of his psycho childhood. How love drove him crazy.

The speech and general words you use sound really intelligent and boost the interest right up. Your sentence structure is excellent, well done.

I suggest that you fix the few mistakes I pointed out and fix the tenses. You could maybe add some metaphors and similes to make an even more gruesome picture.

Other than that I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece. I apologize for taking my time in completing this review. Good luck in your writing in future. From Em XD

This is all jumbled up (I write down thoughts/comments as I go), but its in order


- in all honestly, reluctant to read this...
- The tense changes from time to time, so though it's easy to understand, it can be a lot smoother with the same tense
- 6th (I think) paragraph:

"Only he'd come too quickly, her arrival unwarranted."

Who is "he" again? Sorry, I may have missed it.

- (1st sentence of the series of paragraphs (short, dialogue ones)...that was confusing...)

"She pressed her hands into her forehead"

You mean onto?

- The way you described this person and how he/she talked so sweetly to her was really good
- Had a strange sense that I'm reading Criminal Minds instead of watching it XD
- good god...this is so...unsettling yet so compelling
- The attack and the death was very, vvery well written

AFTER THE XXXXX PART

- "Warm, slick blood coated my arms, splashed across my face and chest. My teeth were stained crimson" I like.
- "bathed in her own life's blood" i like as well and " I crawled up over Michelle, leaning down to lick a smear of blood from her chin, as I grinned at her" especially the "crawl" part for some reason XD
- how you just threw in our faces that he ripped her heart out, just like that *snaps fingers* was shocking in a good way
- Oops, never mind, he's a boy The fact that you gave us a little bit of their past together was great, I really drank it all up eagerly (if that makes any sense at all)


Okay. Wow. My gawd. As strange is this is, I absolutely adored it, no joke. This is my favourite piece by you so far. How you weaved it all together, giving us just the right facts and details was amazing. It was intriguing and disgusting and simply awful and spellbinding.

You are really talented in stuff like this XD

Well portrayed. The Psycho is the psycho I am wanting to read as always. Makes me crave to write something like this too. The killers point of view is clear and the fact that he is killing because he was infatuated is a refreshing thing. Also, the words imagery is well furnished. Well describe and is easy to picture out what exactly is happening. Bloody. Glad I didn't read it last night. Excellent work, dearest

Hey there,

Bravo. This sure is a good horror story. I like the way you portrait your characters, especially the way you write from the killers' point of view. It got my blood pumping and that doesn't happen as often as I'd like. You definitely have talent in writing stories with suspense.

Of course there are some things I want to point your attention to, or else this would not be much of a review.

- I'm not that much into grammar at all, but I'm fairly sure you shift tenses in your story, a good idea might be to proof-read it again. However, if it was intentional it might be a good idea to space out the paragraphs some more, so it's more clear for the reader. Especially in the beginning it was quite confusing for me.

- I'd never think I would tell a writer this, but you tell an awful lot in this short piece. I see how this could be part of a bigger story and it would probably flow more natural after reading the whole story, but as a short story it is a tad too much for my taste. (it might be the mood I'm in today though)

-Of course I don't know the whole story, but I missed something in this piece to make the plot solid. If everyone around this Michelle gets murdered, wouldn't there be some kind of investigation on this matter? It would make sense to place Michelle under protective custody or at least let her have a bodyguard of some sort, maybe just a police car that stops by once every night or something like that. You could add just one sentence like: "I knew the cops would stop by at midnight, it had to be after that." This way you don't spent too much attention to it, but mention something like this at least once to make your plot even more solid. (I know this is quite a contradiction to what I pointed out in my previous point)

Other than that, I really liked your story. I'll try to read more of your work.

Keep writing,

-Metalmauzen