Published May 27, 2011
Flowing through your being,
silently
You think your dreaming.
It changes who you are,
slowly
Soon you've gone too far.
You let this influence you,
aware
Not solid anymore you're see through.
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Canary word: Present
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141,357 Literary Works • 674,380 Reviews
Thanks so much for all the open criticism, I love it.
I'm glad that you guys enjoyed it and I hope all of you know I'm overjoyed that you guys actually corrected any mistakes I made. Thanks again 
Flowing through your being,
silently
You think your dreaming. This is my favorite stanza. I really like the way it flows.
It changes who you are,
slowly
Soon you've gone too far. I would take out the 'soon' and just make it 'you've gone too far'. I think it would make it sound more powerful.
You let this influence you,
aware
Not solid anymore you're see through. I would put 'you're see through' on another line. The way it is now sounds a awkward. I know it would make it look longer then the other two stanzas, but I think it would be okay.
I really liked it, overall. I liked the one word on a line in the middle of each stanza, because it put a bigger emphasis on it. The story behind it is interesting, and I like how simple and short it was.
Hope this helped,
Sierra
Hello there. :3
This is a good poem. The title is the thing that made me read it and then review it. The rhyme scheme and the stanza format is very innovative and different. I liked that. Use a period after each single words.
Nitpicks:
It is a good start to a poem named influences. I think you wanted to type you’re there instead you typed your. It is common mistake. I say that you should an application which has spell check. I even liked the rhyme scheme which you put into it. But, being and dreaming don’t rhyme much. It just feels forced.
Well, this stanza on a whole does not make any sense. It is no way related to the title except for the word influence. I said this because I could not understand what you wanted to say other than the word influence in the first line. XD What exactly does the last line want to say? And I think that it should be like this: Not solid anymore, you’re seeing/seen through. Even this doesn’t make any sense. xP
Leaving the last stanza, the rest of them were pretty good and totally conveyed what you wanted them to. I liked the second stanza the most. I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
Hello! :3
I really like this poem, and the only things that I could nitpick from, others have already pointed them out. But other than the mistakes, this was really good. I like the message that it gives.
Interesting poem. I didn't really get what it was about but I think the word structure was pretty good anyways.
Keep writing,
Alzora
Hello there.
Short poems seem to have become a trend lately. xD
Nitpicks:
- Put a period after 'silently' since this is a full sentence.
- The 'your' should be 'you're'.
- Put a period after 'slowly'.
- I think there should be a comma after 'Soon'.
- The 'aware' doesn't make any sense.
- This doesn't make sense grammatically. Put a comma after 'anymore'.
I like this poem.
Never stop writing!
Hi Dark Blue,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
This is structured beautifully and flows very well. I love how the language gets more solid as this progresses (going from "flowing through your being", which is abstract, to the more concrete "You let this influence you."
I only have minor quibbles. I'd cut the first comma, and put an extended dash between "silently" and "you." Also "your" should be "you're." I'd put a full stop or a colon after "who you are". I'd also change the last line as you really need something after "aware" to show what it is that the person being addressed is aware of. I'd try something like:
"You let this influence you
aware
You're not solid - you're see-through."
A very enjoyable read overall.
Hope this helps. Feel free to p.m me if you have any questions.
Jas