A girl name Veronica live in a normal life with 2 brother and 1 trustworthy friend and 1 boyfriend. She has a boyfriend who is really popular almost every girl in the school love him thats makes her kind of popular too. She have 2 annoying brothers and a friend who always argue and teased each other.And it's the last day of school and the at Friday prom and sleepover at Saturday. At Sunday they move to this town with less people and empty street. One day her family went to meet their aunt and left her alone. One night she hear a voice in the hallway of the hotel and saw a lady crossing by and seems to she saw her before. Will she survive through the whole summer in the hotel without her family and hearing voices every night and a lady.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ohhh...kay...umm...well this is the second prologue that I have run into today that reads a lot more like some form of synopsis or blurb rather than being something that's clearly a prologue. So uhh, that's a tiny issue that I have with this piece right off the bat, this doesn't sound like the sort of thing you want in a prologue. Considering the premise a suitable prologue for this is perhaps a scene of this person discovering these voices or maybe a scene of seeing this lady for the first time.
Anyway, now that that's outta the way, moving right along to the actual contents of this here prologue. Coupled with the title, this premise that you've got here really does sound very intriguing, and I personally love anything to do with ghosts and the supernatural so that's just a double win here in my book. So, as far as that premise mentioned at the end, this sounds quite awesome. The first part of this however, I have trouble seeing it really have too much relevance. Showing her family in bits and pieces throughout the story to talk of her backstory is certainly a great thing but besides that I feel like it doesn't seem to be too important to involve in this part here, cause I feel like judging from the title and all, this story is meant to start at this hotel and be of this character being without said family. Of course, I might just be wrong about this, the family might play a crucial role I don't know about but anyway I thought I'd point that out there
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I think this is a really good concept for a story! You should definitely continue this into a story, (as a matter of fact I'm going to head and read the chapters you have written and review those too.) I always love a good ghost story!
I can't wait to follow Veronica as you write. I think that her character will be very relatable and individual to a lot of people.
Now, I do have to comment on grammar and paragraph structure a little. I do NOT mean this to be too harsh, I just want to help you improve your writing once your ideas are written down!
I am just going to put a sentence, then a correction, (in sequential order.)
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"A girl name Veronica live in a normal life with 2 brother and 1 trustworthy friend and 1 boyfriend."
Correction: Try correcting "live" to "lives," or "lived." It makes the sentence make more sense and flow better.
Correction:
Correct "brother" to "brothers," because she has two, so the word "brother" would be plural.
Correction:
Try instead of saying "with 2 brother and 1 trustworthy friend and 1 boyfriend." say "with 2 brothers, 1 trustworthy friend, and one boyfriend."
"She has a boyfriend who is really popular almost every girl in the school love him thats makes her kind of popular too."
Correction:
You already stated above that she has a boyfriend. So I'd get rid of the "She has a boyfriend who . . ." and instead say "Her boyfriend (is)."
Correction:
Using the correction above, I would say "Her boyfriend is really popular, and almost every girl in the school loves him." And end the sentence there. Then you can make the last part into it's own sentence.
"She have 2 annoying brothers and a friend who always argue and teased each other."
Correction:
Again, you already stated in the first sentence that she has two brothers and one friend. It seems repetitive. Instead of saying this, maybe word this sentence like: "Her brothers are very annoying, and her and her friend always argued and teased each other."
"And it's the last day of school and the at Friday prom and sleepover at Saturday."
Correction:
You don't need the and, because you aren't adding onto any events.
Correction:
Replace "the" with "there," and take out "at Friday prom" and put in "is prom on Friday(comma)."
Correction:
Add an "a" after the and at the end, then replace the "at" before "Saturday" with an "on."
THE CORRECTED SENTENCE:
It's the last day of school and there is prom on Friday, and a sleepover on Saturday.
"At Sunday they move to this town with less people and empty street."
Correction:
Replace "at" with "on."
Correction:
Replace "this" with "a."
Correction:
Put an "an" before the word "empty."
"One day her family went to meet their aunt and left her alone."
Correction:
Left her alone where? You just say that she moved to a town, you didn't say she went to a hotel. Maybe you want to add that in somewhere?
"One night she hear a voice in the hallway of the hotel and saw a lady crossing by and seems to she saw her before."
Correction:
Replace "hear" with "hears."
Correction:
Maybe add "She looks out" somewhere, to tell the reader that she looks in the hallway.
Correction:
Try breaking this up into two sentences.
Example:
One night she hears a voice in the hallway of the hotel. She looked out and saw a lady crossing by, and she seemed to have seen her before.
"Will she survive through the whole summer in the hotel without her family and hearing voices every night and a lady."
Correction:
The last word is not needed, or it needs to be explained more. For the purposes of this review I am going to get rid of it.
Correction:
Try rewording the sentence to sound like this:
"Will she survive the whole summer in the hotel without her family, and hearing voices every night?"
Once again, I don't want to seem too harsh, but these corrections would make it easier to read. I really like the idea though! This is a great start!
Happy Writing!
<3
Hey there xv0nillaWriterx. I just stopped by for a quick review. As soon as I saw the title I knew that I had to read this. I really liked your paragraph but there were a few things that I think were mistakes.
1. "A girl name Veronica live in a normal life with 2 brother and 1 trustworthy friend and 1 boyfriend."
-I think you meant lives instead of live and named instead of name.
Ex: A girl named Veronica lives...
-I would take out the "in" it just doesn't flow right. If you want to keep it you have to reword the sentence.
-2 brother should be 2 brothers or two brothers. If you have 2 brothers add the s because it is plural.
-Add a comma and take out an "and".
-Why one boyfriend? Are you implying some people at her school have more than one or that she is having an affair? Please remove or clarify.
Ex: A girl named Veronica lives a normal life with two brothers, one trustworthy friend, and her boyfriend.
2. Anywhere that you have numerals for numbers I would recommend changing them. It will makes the essay seem more professional and it is something easily fixed.
3. Starting a sentence with "And". Please find a way to revise. I will leave another comment if I think of a way.
That's all for now, keep writing.
Happy Review Day!
-lizzy
Hello, xv0nillaWriterx! Welcome to YWS and congratulations for being active and uploading some of your work to the site!
So, just to be super clear – this is a summary, right? Like the sort of thing you might put on the back of the book? If this is the case, then you’re being a bit misleading with the title. Just to clarify – a prologue is an introductory section to a novel, an epilogue is the bit that comes at the end (in a movie, this would kind of be the last scene, or possibly something after the credits – think of the end scenes after the Marvel films, for instance) and the bit you put on the back of the book that summarises the story is called a blurb. If it’s a full summary of everything that happens, it’s called a synopsis.
As I’m not totally sure what you intend this snippet of information to be, I probably can’t be as helpful as I’d like to be, but I’m going to assume it’s a blurb so I will review it as a blurb.
Straightaway I found myself being hooked by your premise, and I’d love to read more of this. However, I think the way in which your blurb is written could be adjusted to make it more gripping for the reader, and make them more likely to want to read on and find out about that interesting story. So let’s get started, shall we?
The way this is currently written, this will probably discourage the average reader from wanting to read any more. You’re telling us statistics, not anything about what Veronica is like as a person. So, she has family and loyal friends, and she’s got a boyfriend. She’s presumably a pretty well-liked person. Is she a popular person? If so, perhaps you could rephrase this to be:
or something like that. Or, maybe you could just delete this? It’s not really doing that much for the story. The reader will find out she has these relationships when they start reading, so it’s not that necessary.
What’s a “best” prom? Maybe simply “prom” would be better. Also, blurbs and synopses are usually told in the present tense, so it would be more typical to say:
Moving on:
I wouldn’t say “this town” because it’s a bit too informal and speech-like. Maybe you could rephrase it to “they move to an empty town in the middle of nowhere” or something like that?
Why do they move? What relevance does this have to the prom? These are all questions your readers will be asking!
You haven’t mentioned the hotel before – you need to mention it sooner by saying they move to a hotel. Also, the last bit of this sentence seems a bit scrambled. Try reading it out loud and I’m sure you’ll see what I mean.
OK, as a reader I got confused. So the family wasn’t meeting the aunt, they were actually going to stay with her. For the whole summer. You should also make this clearer earlier on.
The sentence should end with a question mark, and the bit about the lady doesn’t make much sense, so you need to add some more to it.
Although the writing style could do with some improvements, I think you’ve got some good ideas here and if you aren’t offended by the harshness of my review, I’m more than happy to review the rest of your story. Don’t forget that if people give you reviews that aren’t totally positive, it doesn’t mean that they hate your writing – it just means that there’s some room for improvement.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
-steam-
Sorry i got mixed up from a prologue and a epilogue, and thx for you review. And i will fix that
This ain't a story, pal!
its like a short story of it, that is why it calls it Epilogue and if you want to read chapter one. Look at the right and you can see REALTED ITEM and click on The Ghost's Whisper Chapter 1 The dream and the boys. Thank you
This is one of my stories and I hope you love it. It is the beginning like a summary.