“CRACK!”I hear something like something drop. I don’t know what it is but it’s coming down from the kitchen. I tiptoed down the stairs trying to not wake my family up and turn on the lights. I only see a table and pots but nothing that could make that noise. When I was about to turn the lights off and go up stair again, something seems, funny, unusual, misplaced. That is when I find my mom’s purple flower vase broken in pieces on the floor. I have no idea who knocks it over but I just clean it up.After I finish, when I was about to go up stair, a lady, all dress in white standing in the living room staring at me. But before I could say something someone was calling my name. The voice was coming closer but I can’t see who was calling my name. Then I fell back and a few second later I opened my eyes staring at a white ceiling, trying to know where is I. Then an alarm ring and realize I am in my own room filling with ocean blue colors. Just then I saw my mom standing by the door looking at me like the way she always do every morning. “ Come on Veronica, you’re going to get late for school, you always the slowest and the teacher always send me a phone call for being late for school, so get your butt moving!” My mom always says the word “butt” when we are not doing what we suppose to do or not being active. I mean “we” means my 2 brothers, Joseph and Jason and how can I say? Annoying, stupid, idiots, younger than me and BOYS! Jason is a troublemaker and Joseph love electronic. Joseph one time almost breaks my computer, and I kick his butt then he ran away. The one who is a troublemaker one time paint the bathroom red and leave the paint in my room to make me guilty, my mom found the paint BUT I can prove that I am innocent, just ONE! I HATE RED COLOR! Like seriously, if I hate red so much I won’t be painting the bathroom red. So that is when my mom knows Jason did it (aka troublemaker). My life is basically ruined by my 2 brothers annoying me every day. . And I forget to get ready when my mom calls me one more time. I ran downstairs, eat my breakfast, get dress and zoom out of the house. I walk out of the door and saw Betty, “Hi Betty” I called out. “Um, hi Veronica, what ‘sup?” If you don’t know, my friend Betty was my friend since 3rd grade and now we were friends for 5 years. So our friend relationship is pretty long. “So Veronica, what are you going to do over the summer?”."Well my mom says our family is going to this town for vacation that I have no idea what the town is called“. " When are you leaving“she asked. ” Um… I don’t really know what town“. My mom never tells us where it is and where we are going when we go on a family vacation! ” I don’t know, but I promise I will have the sleepover party this Saturday“. ” I’m glad you didn’t forget and I can’t even wait for that and what are you going to bring? “She asked. Before I can answer Michael came over and says hi. We were friends in 2nd grade and somehow we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Our relationship started during 5th grade. ” You still like him, or LOVE him“Betty excused. ” My relationship not yours or you want to be my boyfriend stealer“I teased. Just saying” she teased back.“Come on lets go to class already”. This year we ended up in the same class and no offense she is sensitive so I got to go easy on her. Today our first period class is Social Studies. We learn some economic and religious stuff again. We use documents and articles and our teacher, Mr. Smith make us do document every day. We like him and he’s funny but sometimes he yells when we are not doing something that he assigned. You know our ELA teacher, Mr. Chilly. He is pushes us to pass and get good grades. No homework, DETENTION. No class work, DETENTION. Don’t do what he assigned you, Detention. And if you go on like this for the whole school year, suspension for 2 months. You don’t stay at home and play or relax; you go to another school and do more work! So don’t panic 6th grader, just live it through. Ding. That is the 6th period bell and next is lunch. Every day at lunch my friend and I always turn around and laugh what is Iddy doing in his table. If you thing we are a bully, we’re NOT, we’re just like to tease him and get him a revenge for doing this thing last year at 6th grade. Last year I made this guy like Betty so this year making Iddy like Betty is no problem. Okay, okay I get too far but today at lunch the girl have lunch detention. During gym this girl put fake bugs in another girl’s hair, like really! Now I’m stuck in these smelly and messy tables that the boys left and the teacher going to made us clean it. It seems like 1,000 years until the bell ring.And it’s the period of craziness, I know people want to just go out of school and do whatever they do but PEOPLE, you don’t need to act all crazy! In 8th period the boys were throwing spitballs and paper airplanes just what I tell you. The girl is just normal and talking not yelling or screaming. Just then you know who came in the room… Principle. “WHO IN THE WORLD DID YOUR TEACHER SAY YOU CAN ACT THIS WAY PEOPLE, PUT YOURSELF TOGETHER AND YOUR BEHAVIOUR IS DISGUSTING AND BE MATURE NOT MONKEYS ESPECIALLY YOU BOYS!” He slammed the door aggressively behind him and I can see people staring at us outside. After the principle leave, students start whispering and you know what is the teacher doing? Guess? It’s easy, he is snoring loud and noisy, then whisper became crazy again and even worse. That when my friend, betty went in front of the teacher’s desk and shouted, “ SHUT UP MANIACS” then the bell ring and people zoomed out of the doorway before the teacher wake up and wonder what happen. Betty and I went out and went our lockers. Just then Michael came to me and asks me something. “Hi Veronica, I really want you to be my prom queen, will you?” he asked lovely. “Of course, why won’t I?” I teased him. I kiss him good bye and I turn around, Betty was doing the kissy thing. “Cut it out you young lady and you don’t even have a boyfriend”. I teased “SO…..” “Well your worthless for a boyfriend any ways” I teased her again. “HAHAHA, very funny” “Do you know some boys like you and want you to the prom but they are shy?” “Well that is there problem not mine” she answered. I giggled “Oh well, you don’t even know anything about love”. We walk home together and we say good bye. When I was going to go inside the house, I saw Betty kissing someone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hi! It's me again. From my last review, you probably hate me, but alas I am back!
I notice a lot of grammar mistakes in this. The ideas are all there but the grammar is not. Instead of going through and fixing each one like I did in the prologue, I'm just going to say try reading it out loud before you post. When you read things out loud you may end up catching things you might not have previously. For example, if you had written a sentence like "Bobby goes to the parlor yesterday," and read it out loud, you may say "Oh, this doesn't make sense!" And you could change it to "Bobby went to the parlor yesterday."
Also, I read your response to the review below, and if you want help with grammar, I can help you with it. If you want, email me at caitiemarinebio@gmail.com when your chapter is done, and I can revise it to the best of my ability for you. If you don't want to do this it is fine, but if you ever want help I'm here!!!!!
Anyways, the formatting got a little weird in some sections. It would be right aligned, then left aligned, the right aligned- just weird. I don't think this is you, but just try to keep everything aligned one way.
Also, I noticed your dialogue was all one paragraph. A good way to remember how to separate dialogue (when someone talks) is whenever the speaker changes, you need a new paragraph. Also with regular paragraphs, each time you bring up an unrelated or different idea to the current paragraph, start a new paragraph.
I really like the story so far!!!!
Happy Writing!
<3
Sorry, accidentally submitted this twice. Just read the one above this! Thanks!
Happy Writing!
<3
Hello! I'm here to write a review... which should be kind of self-explanatory. Why did I put this intro paragraph here again?
Fixing it: I hear something drop. I don't know what it is, but it's coming down from the kitchen.Cut 'em Up!
This is one huge paragraph, and that both intimidates readers and makes it hard for them to pick out each line. Seperate the chapter into smaller paragraphs that let it flow much easier. How to do that? Well, give each character a turn! Focus on one person's actions and dialogue in one small paragraph, then when you need to describe another character, make another paragraph for them! It makes reading much easier and there won't be any pronoun confusion that way. It'll take practice to make it work, but better late than never.
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One Here, One There...
This one's also a general thing, and it's something I can't help you with as much. There are a lot of places where you need a comma or a conjuction word and you don't have it. There's also places where a comma should be exchanged for a period. I suggest revising your work after writing it quite a bit and fix up all these things, because there isn't much else I can tell you that will help.
Example:
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What Time was it Again?
Make sure to keep in a single tense! I see tense-shifting between the past and the present, or just the wrong tense for that phrase.
Example: It should be 'knocked', not 'knocks'. The vase has been knocked over already, so it's in past tense.
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Woah There!
I highly suggest avoiding caps. There are few times that such emphasis can't be done without just a exclamation point, and caps-lock never seems very... appropiate.
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Fourth Wall Down! I Repeat, Fourth Wall Down!
Just like avoiding caps, try not to refer to the reader by using 'you' (outside of dialogue, of course). Writers like Rick Riordan use it often, but I'm afraid you can't pull it off well yet. Keep them out for now, and some day they can be worked in.
Example: This 'you know' is also unnecessary. We do not know him. It is the first time he is appearing, so just leave this out. You do similiar things multiple times, too.
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Painting with Nothing but Black and White Words- It Works!
Show, not tell. This is something that is said over and over for good reason. There are many times where you introduce a character and list their traits; don't. Instead, show a segment where they are performing the tasks you say that they always do, and we will be able to tell their personality quite well. If there's too many characters to do so, well, you can let a few periods blur over. Just don't list.
Tying into my previous paragraph, more description would be lovely. By getting rid of lists, you could write the actions and appearances of characters instead. Backgrounds need to be more lush- I can never see where they are. There seem to be mini time skips between periods because of the lack of sensory language and the classrooms are basically empty spaces.
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tl;dr:
There are many grammar and tense-shifting mistakes; revising will be your most hated enemy and best friend. Let us really know your characters by writing specific moments and not by simply telling us what they usually do or how it alway is. Along with more character detail, incorporating the background into the story is just as important.
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Well, I'm done for now. I won't comment on plot progression since this is only the first chapter and preassumptions will make me look like a fool.
All in all, there are quite a large amount of problems, but that's what YWS is for- you write, and others help, just like how I (hopefully) have let you take these into consideration while writing the next chapter. Keep on clicking away on that keyboard, fellow writer! ^u^
Thank You for your review and i'll make sure i will include all the things you say inside that chapter and my other chapters, Thx and one thing is that I am very bad at grammar and plz read my other ones to check any grammar plz and thx for your help
Thank You for your review and i'll make sure i will include all the things you say inside that chapter and my other chapters, Thx and one thing is that I am very bad at grammar and plz read my other ones to check any grammar plz and thx for your help
Thank You for your review and i'll make sure i will include all the things you say inside that chapter and my other chapters, Thx and one thing is that I am very bad at grammar and plz read my other ones to check any grammar plz and thx for your help
Thank You for your review and i'll make sure i will include all the things you say inside that chapter and my other chapters, Thx and one thing is that I am very bad at grammar and plz read my other ones to check any grammar plz and thx for your help
Thank You for your review and i'll make sure i will include all the things you say inside that chapter and my other chapters, Thx and one thing is that I am very bad at grammar and plz read my other ones to check any grammar plz and thx for your help
Thank You for your review and i'll make sure i will include all the things you say inside that chapter and my other chapters, Thx and one thing is that I am very bad at grammar and plz read my other ones to check any grammar plz and thx for your help
Thank You for your review and i'll make sure i will include all the things you say inside that chapter and my other chapters, Thx and one thing is that I am very bad at grammar and plz read my other ones to check any grammar plz and thx for your help
Thank You for your review and i'll make sure i will include all the things you say inside that chapter and my other chapters, Thx and one thing is that I am very bad at grammar and plz read my other ones to check any grammar plz and thx for your help