Hi!
I haven't read the previous chapter, so feel free to ignore any sudden predictions of the sort. The title is what brought me to review this, since it has that mystery surrounding it already. I feel that it could be a prediction/foreshadowing in later chapters of this novel (which, it seems, end here).
Also, you have a little problem with paragraphs. It doesn't have that easy reading feel to it. If you ever read a novel or book, I'm sure you'll see the equally spaced paragraphs. As the reviewer said below me, it doesn't feel smoothen out. The same issue can go towards the proper way to begin a new paragraph, with a capital letter. Other than that, I think it is common sense to fix everything else.
Throughout this chapter, your dialogue seems a little off or doesn't even seen realistic enough to be believable. This should help you with dialogue. Also, when writing dialogue, keep in mind to have them equally spaced from time to time so when the reader is reading your work, they'll understand who is taking and when. Add some description while you're at it because an exclamation mark does so little to an imagination.
In some parts of this chapter, it seems rushed and very hard to follow what is going to happen next. This could be a problem with accurate spacing for easy reading. It's that simple.
The reader doesn't exactly see how the narrator is feeling throughout the chapter- her thoughts about everything. Another thing is what is everyone else thinking? It could possibly be easier to relate back to the narrator when re-writing this. When I was reading this, for the second time, I noticed some run-off sentences.
Example:
I open my computer and log in Chatterbox. One of my favorite website to talk with my friends.
Remove the first period, and add a comma. You are describing Chatterbox afterall.
Overall, this needs some work. I'm sure you'll work hard enough to make these corrections and possibly write a new chapter.
If you like me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
Points: 25891
Reviews: 279
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