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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Mature Content

The Ghost Whisper ( Chapter 2 The Day Before Prom )

by xv0nillaWriterx


The next day I went to school, but not with Betty.Today I didn’t see her outside, so I went to see her at the breakfast tables and nope no sign of Betty.Today I went through school without Betty and she just probably sick or something and need to stay home.After school I went to Forever21 to shop for my prom dress for tomorrow, just then when I was looking for a dress I thought I seem a familiar face.The face that is a yard away from me looks like someone, before I can walk up to the girl, she caught me staring and from nowhere I realize it was Betty, but how?“Hi Betty, why you didn’t come to school today? ”Um, I am just… busy doing something that is important, what else I can do? “ ”Oh okay then and why are you here for? “You didn’t know!” she seems surprised.“I Love Dresses!” “But why the fancy ones that only for occasions?” “Well tomorrow…”.“ Is it the prom?”I asked. “No, not that…Um I got a family dinner tomorrow”.“Oh so that’s you are here”. “And I need to go home now, it’s that my mom don’t let me stay out in the mall TOO long”. “Bye” I answered and she left. She looks like she is worry or something, but whatever, that is how she is.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   After I went to the mall I went home then I pass Betty’s house and the lights are out. She said she needs to go home early or she went home because her family needs to go somewhere. I went home forget about Betty and my 2 brothers are doing whatever they always do. Just then before I can go upstairs, Jason came running to me. “Sister! Sister! I really have to tell you something very important”. “Okay but better be fast, because I don’t have timechittychatty with you so open your mouth now or else”. “Soooo…..I…….F….A….R…T…E…D,FARTED!” “Uhhh!” I rolled my eyes and stomped to my room like I am never talking to him anymore. I jump to my bed and take my dress out and lay it down on the bed. Then I went to take a shower and come out and found my dress missing. “Come on! It was right there before now it is gone” talking to myself. Then I hear Jason’s sound. “Mr. Troublemaker you better give back my dress now or else!” I shouted. “Come and get it,Nah NahNah Nah” He sticks his tongue at me and ran away. Then I ran after him but I couldn’t catch up because I didn’t put my clothes on and still wrap in my towel. After I finish putting my clothes on me have an idea. I went down to the kitchen and grab a candy bar Hershey that my mom hides away from my brothers and I am the only one knows where is it. “Oh how I love this chocolate but I don’t want to eat it and I wonder who will finish it for me?” Shouting as loud Jason can hear me. Just then he ran up to me and shouted. “I will eat it!” “You want it then give my dress back NOW!” “Fine!” He returned my dress and smirked at me. I give him the candy and went upstairs and lock the door. I check if something happen to it but it was clean and nice. Good thing is nice the way I brought it but if don’t I will kill that boy and kick him out of the house. I try my dress on and look at the mirror. “Perfect, this is the perfect one with blue and white colors and designs on it.” Just then someone came and knock on my door. “Go away Jason!” “It’s me Veronica and dinner is ready”. “Sorry mom and I’ll be right there” I apologize and change into my pajamas and went downstairs.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               We have a salad, chicken soup and some potatoes. UUHhhh, SALAD! Everyone ate their dinner except Jason and Joseph was throwing salad at each other. “You eat it or wear it!” I shouted at them. “Can you see we are wearing it” Joseph hissed. “You guys are throwing it, big difference between wearing it and throwing it”. “Whatever, Ms. Know It All” he talked backed at me. I rolled my eyes and finish my dinner and went upstairs. I open my computer and log in Chatterbox. One of my favorite website to talk with my friends. I texted Betty where is she but she didn’t answer so I played some games. After an hour I checked Chatterbox for a sign of Betty, nope. I logged out and went to sleep staring at the dark space.


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279 Reviews


Points: 25891
Reviews: 279

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Sun Feb 07, 2016 5:20 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hi!

I haven't read the previous chapter, so feel free to ignore any sudden predictions of the sort. The title is what brought me to review this, since it has that mystery surrounding it already. I feel that it could be a prediction/foreshadowing in later chapters of this novel (which, it seems, end here).
Also, you have a little problem with paragraphs. It doesn't have that easy reading feel to it. If you ever read a novel or book, I'm sure you'll see the equally spaced paragraphs. As the reviewer said below me, it doesn't feel smoothen out. The same issue can go towards the proper way to begin a new paragraph, with a capital letter. Other than that, I think it is common sense to fix everything else.

Throughout this chapter, your dialogue seems a little off or doesn't even seen realistic enough to be believable. This should help you with dialogue. Also, when writing dialogue, keep in mind to have them equally spaced from time to time so when the reader is reading your work, they'll understand who is taking and when. Add some description while you're at it because an exclamation mark does so little to an imagination.

In some parts of this chapter, it seems rushed and very hard to follow what is going to happen next. This could be a problem with accurate spacing for easy reading. It's that simple.

The reader doesn't exactly see how the narrator is feeling throughout the chapter- her thoughts about everything. Another thing is what is everyone else thinking? It could possibly be easier to relate back to the narrator when re-writing this. When I was reading this, for the second time, I noticed some run-off sentences.

Example:

I open my computer and log in Chatterbox. One of my favorite website to talk with my friends.


Remove the first period, and add a comma. You are describing Chatterbox afterall.

Overall, this needs some work. I'm sure you'll work hard enough to make these corrections and possibly write a new chapter.

If you like me to go over anything, let me know!

Steggy




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Thu Nov 19, 2015 10:00 pm
backroadstraveler wrote a review...



Hey Nilla, welcome to YWS! backroads here to review!

Just or the record, I did go back and read you first chapter before reviewing. LMK if you'd like me to leave a few comments on your first chapter too!

I can only imagine what you have in-store for your character; her life is starting out so normal- the mystery surrounding Betty coupled with the idea that the title insinuates is already putting me on edge!

First, a quick grammar comment-
I know that EnderFlash already commented on this, but I want to reiterate the idea of breaking up your paragraphs. They get a little to lengthy for comfortable reading. Also, it's actually a grammar-rule that you start a new paragraph each time a new character speaks. Plus, it will help us readers keep track of who's speaking! Other than that, I'm not going to repeat anything else Flash said!

Also, your opening in particular doesn't feel smooth

The next day I went to school, but not with Betty.Today I didn’t see her outside, so I went to see her at the breakfast tables and nope no sign of Betty.Today I went through school without Betty and she just probably sick or something and need to stay home.

First, is 'the next day' and 'today' the same day? Or is it two different days? I would clarify so that your reader can understand. Also, I don't feel that you're giving the reader a good idea of the character's emotions or thoughts. You repeat that Betty's not there, but after telling the reader though multiple examples, the narrator just brushes it off. Was is excited to see Betty, and then disappointed when she wasn't there? Did she get through the entire school day before assuming that Betty was sick, or did she 'give up' looking for her friend at a certain point in the day?

One thing that struck me weird- when the boys are going crazy at dinner, why is Veronica the one to call them out, and not Mom? We need a better understanding of the dinner setting, and also perhaps a good glimpse as to what's 'typical' for this family. Like is it normal for Veronica to have to take care of dinner? Does Mom normally cook?

I feel like you're lacking again in the narrator's emotions at the end as well. She hasn't really heard from her friend aside from the weird encounter, but yet she just goes along playing her games. How is she feeling, what effects are her emotions having on her? Does she continuously die on her games because she can't focus? Just elaborate a little more on Veronica's concern.

I only have one other comment, and this one is TOTALLY personal preference on my end, so feel free to ignore this part in particular if you so choose. Why do you call the dance Prom? Veronica's in eighth grade- typically (As far as USA goes) Prom is a dance reserved for upper-classmen high-schoolers. We had an eighth grade dance, but it was literally called 'The Dance' at my school. Again, totally up to you, but I'm not a fan of that label for this dance.

You have a good story going here, and I love how you're able to capture the relationship Veronica has with her younger brothers. Keep on writing, I think you're gonna be great!

Hope some of this was helpful!
-backroadstraveler






It is really helpful and thx for your review and i will make sure to fix the first paragraph :>




Overripe sushi, The master Is full of regret.
— Buson