I haven't read the first part of this but I definitely want to! It seems very fun. Your characters are totally relatable and I love that. There are only a few things I want to pick on.
We got to my house first, huffing and puffing, I slid off of Pheonix’ shoulders and turned to see Steve and Britt leisurely walking about a block away, still hand in hand, Pheonix leaned in slowly, I got on my tippy toes and wrapped my arms around his tan muscular neck and parted my lips, knowing what was coming, we kissed tenderly, and I lost myself in the warm softness of his lips until I could hear Steve’s over exaggerated throwing up sound effects.
This is an extraordinarily long sentence. It can be broken up in a lot of different places. I would suggest breaking this into at least four more sentences.
I caught on to which 'he' you were talking about, but you might want to actually say Steve.“Ow!” he complained
This is redundant. Following implies that he is after the girls.followed after
You can get rid of the 'But then' simply for the sake of flow.But then Pheonix walked into the room with a tray of food
But then Pheonix walked into the room with a tray of food and Steve’s mood automatically brightened, he let Britt fall over as he pulled his arm away, grabbing at the cheese and crackers on the silver plate.
There can be a period after 'brightened'.
He stuffed them into his mouth faster than I’d ever seen him before, about a minute past and the plate had nothing but crumbs, Steve rubbing his stomach and moaning on the couch, the top button of his jeans unfastened.
There are several things I want to touch on for this sentence. There can be a period after 'before' and after 'crumbs'. After 'crumbs' the sentence is a bit bizarre. Try rewording it to make its sound better.
Once again, I really enjoyed this, it seems like it would be really quick read.
I hope this helped. Keep Writing!
Points: 1325
Reviews: 9
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