Published December 27, 2009
Chapter Two
We got to my house first, huffing and puffing, I slid off of Pheonix’ shoulders and turned to see Steve and Britt leisurely walking about a block away, still hand in hand, Pheonix leaned in slowly, I got on my tippy toes and wrapped my arms around his tan muscular neck and parted my lips, knowing what was coming, we kissed tenderly, and I lost myself in the warm softness of his lips until I could hear Steve’s over exaggerated throwing up sound effects. Pheonix pulled away slowly and laughed, punching Steve in the arm as he walked by.
“Ow!” he complained, rubbing his forearm with his hand “that one hurt!”
Pheonix smiled without saying anything and followed after me and Britt through the front door.
Steve grabbed the remote and plopped down on the couch with his arm draped around Britt’s shoulders. He flicked through the channels then shut off the television with an exasperated sigh. But then Pheonix walked into the room with a tray of food and Steve’s mood automatically brightened, he let Britt fall over as he pulled his arm away, grabbing at the cheese and crackers on the silver plate. He stuffed them into his mouth faster than I’d ever seen him before, about a minute past and the plate had nothing but crumbs, Steve rubbing his stomach and moaning on the couch, the top button of his jeans unfastened.
“Sheesh, Steve!” Britt said “did you even breathe?”
“Mmm…” was Steve’s reply.
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139,781 Literary Works • 672,760 Reviews
I haven't read the first part of this but I definitely want to! It seems very fun. Your characters are totally relatable and I love that. There are only a few things I want to pick on.
This is an extraordinarily long sentence. It can be broken up in a lot of different places. I would suggest breaking this into at least four more sentences.
I caught on to which 'he' you were talking about, but you might want to actually say Steve.
This is redundant. Following implies that he is after the girls.
You can get rid of the 'But then' simply for the sake of flow.
There can be a period after 'brightened'.
There are several things I want to touch on for this sentence. There can be a period after 'before' and after 'crumbs'. After 'crumbs' the sentence is a bit bizarre. Try rewording it to make its sound better.
Once again, I really enjoyed this, it seems like it would be really quick read.
I hope this helped. Keep Writing!