z

Young Writers Society



Finally Home- ch.1&2

by xoheatherrxo


[pre]Chapter 1

“Mom, where did you put the box with my shoes in it at?” I asked.

“Um, good question. I think its still on the truck,” mom replied.

“It better, because I’m not going all the way back to Denver to get them,” I said.

“Do you want to take a break? How about we go out to dinner tonight, go and see the town,” mom suggested.

“Meaning, you don’t have anything planned for dinner,” I guessed.

“You know me too well, Andi,” mom sighed.

“I know, but going out tonight sounds great. If only I could find my shoes…oh! There they are,” I said, pointing at a box, “I don’t know how I didn’t see it.”

“Well, I’m going to go get dressed, let’s leave in 10 minutes, sound good?” mom said.

“Can we make it 15? I need a little time to fix my hair. I have to look good, first impressions mean a lot, mom,” I said.

“Sure, sure, whatever you want. I should probably do a little something with my hair, too. Never know when your going to see a cute boy, right?” mom said.

“Mom, don’t ever say that again. I’ll see you in 15,” I laughed.

“Oh honey, you know I’m kidding, but alright,” mom said.

Chapter 2

“What are you feeling like? Chinese, Italian, American, or Mexican, it’s your choice,” mom said.

“How about we go to that Italian place on the corner, but try to get a table on the deck,” I suggested.

“Alright, sounds good to me. I need some fresh air anyways. Hopefully there’s a table available,” mom replied.

As we approached the restaurant, we saw how beautiful it was. It was lit up by white Christmas lights wrapped around every banister and pole. There was some calming music coming from it, and you could hear happy families and couples laughing and talking amongst themselves.

We walked up to the doors of the restaurant, and when I pulled open the heavy oak door, I ran into a guy that may have been most gorgeous guy I have ever seen. His hair was light brown and shaggy, but not too shaggy. He had the biggest emerald green eyes I have ever seen. His body was strong, like that of surfers. I was quickly embarrassed from staring, especially when I saw the pretty blonde come out of the restaurant behind him.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I apologized.

“No, that was my fault,” he said, in a butter smooth voice.

As our eyes met, I felt a connection instantly. I don’t know how, but it was there.

“Come on, Christian, lets go,” the pretty blonde said.

“Oh, right, sorry. Again, I’m so sorry…,” he trailed on.

“Its fine,” I said, reluctantly tearing my eyes away.

“Who was that? You’ve been in the city for less than a day, and you’ve already met a guy?” my mom asked, after the blonde had pulled the boy she called Christian away.

“Mom, I didn’t even know that guy. But he did have some amazing eyes,” I said.

“Oh no, Andi, don’t tell me your already chasing the boys here,” mom groaned.

“No, mom, I’m not. Let’s just go eat,” I said, but even then, I couldn’t seem to get the giant smile that was plastered on my face to go away.[/pre]

Chapter 3, coming soon.

feel free to comment.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
157 Reviews


Points: 1807
Reviews: 157

Donate
Mon Apr 07, 2008 9:38 pm
onceuponatim3xo wrote a review...



Oh, Alainna beat me to it. She pretty much said everything I was thinking.

All right, so, there was waaaay too much dialogue in that, try to describe things more; where is Andi? The tropics, someplace cold? Also, why is she there and why is she only with her mom? Is she happy to be there or hating it?

Pry open Andi's brain and show us what she really thinks.

You've got a good start, but I'd advise that you try your best to not rely on dialogue so much.




User avatar
410 Reviews


Points: 5890
Reviews: 410

Donate
Mon Apr 07, 2008 11:29 am
Alainna wrote a review...



Hi, welcome to the site.

First of all, we like to keep the crit to post ratio at 2-1 here so please don't post any more until you have critiqued a few more pieces.

What I noticed most about this is story was it's lack of description and action. So far, two (very short) chapters in we have no idea what Andi looks like or her behavior other than she's into boys.

Remember, that you have to let us into your world, the one you have created for Andi. We want to see it, feel it and live it alongside her.

“It better, because I’m not going all the way back to Denver to get them,”

Doesn't make sense.

I think its still on the truck

Apostrophe in 'its'.

How about we go out to dinner tonight, go and see the town

Is a question, so question mark is needed.

Overall, this has potential. Just try to steer away from blocks of dialog. Also, your font is a bit hard to read.

All the best,
Alainna
xx





I do not use my siblings as the cleaning equipment.
— Tuckster