Something More

by xoCairo

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published April 25, 2011

In Not-So-Great Works

PreviousNext

My life itself has become a chore,
In which I'm forced to abandon hope
And hang my soul up at the door.

Fear, panic, weakness mix,
Setting fire to my veins.
I've fallen for his tricks -
And I can't believe it,
Can't trust myself.
I let the pieces fit,
Fall into place without a crease;
I didn't see the problems,
Only saw the peace
In a world that once told my fate
To be hateful, hectic;
And forced it to sedate,
Settle down for my sake,
Shining a light in darkness,
Allowing me to see through fake
To capture what was really there,
Show me terrible truths
And clear the air.
I accepted it all without a blink,
And yet, so easily,
I lost it all within a wink,
No more time than that; no more,
And there, my family gone,
My friends abandoned at the door.

Not just them, but something more,
I turned my back on the world,
And hung my soul up at the door.

* * *

This actually goes along with part of the novel I'm writing (can be found in fantasy novels, woot, woot). Part of it was inspired by a book by the name of "The Wolf And The Sheepdog" (John Smith)... The voice here is Diego's, on the chance that you've read part of my novel.

End ramble. ;D Critiques and reviews loved. It's not the best, I'm sure I can do better, but I hope you enjoyed nonetheless.

Edit: Thanks for the reviews. I realize that it won't make too much sense for those who don't know the story but figured I'd post it anyway. Just FYI, I am not writing about my own emotions... o.o'

Comments & reviews · 6
Random avatar
alwaysjustme
Comment
alwaysjustme commented Comment · Apr 25, 2011

I loved it. I can relate totally and completely. Lol I have nothing to say other than I really like it and it made me feel sad.

Random avatar
alwaysjustme
Comment
alwaysjustme commented Comment · Apr 25, 2011

I loved it. I can relate totally and completely. Lol I have nothing to say other than I really like it and it made me feel sad.

User avatar
StoryWeaver13
Review
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review Review · Apr 25, 2011

My life itself has become a chore,
In which I'm forced to abandon hope
And hang my soul up at the door. Honestly, the first impression I get is a little immature. It just seems...not emo, but whiny. I'm not saying you can't talk about frustrations through your writing, but the way it's presented just seems a little melodramatic.

Fear, panic, weakness mix,
Setting fire to my veins.
I've fallen for his tricks -
And I can't believe it,
Can't trust myself.
I let the pieces fit,
Fall into place without a crease; Doesn't really make sense to me...maybe if I knew the story.
I didn't see the problems,
Only saw the peace
In a world that once told my fate
To be hateful, hectic;
And forced it to sedate,
Settle down for my sake,
Shining a light in darkness,
Allowing me to see through fake
To capture what was really there,
Show me terrible truths
And clear the air.
I accepted it all without a blink,
And yet, so easily,
I lost it all within a wink,
No more time than that; no more,
And there, my family gone,
My friends abandoned at the door.

Not just them, but something more,
I turned my back on the world,
And hung my soul up at the door.



Okay, so I'm not completely sure I got what it was you were saying in this, because the first stanza just seemed separated from the rest in the focus of the piece. And here and there, it just felt like the essential focus was lost. It might help if I knew the story, but I'm not sure. This just didn't quite fall together for me, and I think it could be cleaned up some more.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

User avatar
ehte92
Review
ehte92 wrote a review Review · Apr 25, 2011

Hello there.
I shall be your reviewer for today even if you do not want me to be. XD


My life itself has become a chore, Remove itself. The goes well without it.
In which I'm forced to abandon hope
And hang my soul up at the door.

Fear, panic, weakness mix, Fear, panic and weakness, all mixed,
Setting fire to my veins.
I've fallen for his tricks - Who is 'his' over here? Explain.
And I can't believe it, Believe what? What had happened to the speaker that he can't trust himself. It creates a lot of mystery.
Can't trust myself.
I let the pieces fit, This line is forced just for the sake of rhyming.
Fall into place without a crease;
I didn't see the problems,
Only saw the peace
In a world that once told my fate
To be hateful, hectic; To be hateful and hectic;
And forced it to sedate,
Settle down for my sake,
Shining a light in darkness,
Allowing me to see through fake See through fake? Reword it.
To capture what was really there,
Show me terrible truths
And clear the air.
I accepted it all without a blink,
And yet, so easily,
I lost it all within a wink,
[No more time than that; no more,
And there, my family gone,
My friends abandoned at the door.] Totally confusing. Why did they abandon the speaker?

Not just them, but something more, What do you want to tell by more over here?
I turned my back on the world,
And hung my soul up at the door.


Mysterious. XD
Your poem had a good flow to it but some rhymes felt to be forced and forcing your poem to rhyme is not a good thing. And for the people who have not read the novel, this poem can be pretty confusing. Personal experience. XD
Keep writing. :)

User avatar
NLPrincess13
Review
NLPrincess13 wrote a review Review · Apr 25, 2011

Well done, Cairo
i like the flow and its emotions was strong :D
i admire the beginning "My life itself has become a chore,
In which I'm forced to abandon hope
And hang my soul up at the door." was very good
keep up and update us with more pieces :D



Don't gobblefunk around with words.
— Roald Dahl