only the first part, and i know it's not that good, I started it a while back, and iv not been working on it much, been doing another story, the same one, but differently written, other ones better, but not on this comp, tell me what you think Please
‘Addie, Addie, wake up, you have to see this!’ shouted Ruby Sanders, Addie pulled her self up onto her elbows and groaned, Ruby was her twin sister, and they had been up all night talking about their new high school, they were going there with their best friend, Danny. Addie looked around the room, trying to wake up properly, she had thought about turning the attic into her room, but changed her mind, looking round the room, she realized, it might have been better,
‘What is it?’ asked Addie, peering at the letter Ruby was holding in her hand, it had a fancy design around it, and was on parchment, which was gold, Addie assumed it would be complete rubbish, so she just lay back down, when she took one last glance at the letter, she sat right up, she had seen the signature, it was a letter from Professor Julianne, Head of an academy for witches and wizards,
‘Whoa, Professor Julianne, tell me I’m not seeing things!’ Addie and Ruby’s hero was Stella Julianne, who was Professor Julianne,
‘You’re not seeing things Addie, it’s real!’ Addie grabbed the letter off Ruby and started to read it through, hoping it wasn’t a trick,
Dear Adele Sanders and Ruby Sanders,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted as a student at Bridge House Academy for the magically talented, we hope you will be able to join us at 12 Manna Street at 12o’clock midnight on 16th August to collect your equipment, which will be;
First years set of robes each
First year set of books each
First year potion sets each
First year broomsticks each
First year morphing cloak each
An animal of your choice
A Quill and Ink Pot each
You will be able to collect your wand at School
We hope you will be joining us and we wish all our new and returning students the best of luck!
Yours Sincerely
Professor Julianne
Professor Julianne
Head of Bridge House Academy for the magically talented
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thanks for the comments, i will try and post the other version; in my opinion it's alot better than this one! thanks!
No offence, but I think this is a complete copy of Harry Potter. The whole 'Finding out I'm a wizard/witch' thing is a bit dated now that J.K. Rowling has done her thing.
Apart from that, and the grammer errors that were mentioned in the other post, it was good. Keep writing!
RR*
Hi! I thought the idea behind it was good, but you could have written it a bit better. Hopefully you'll be able to put your better version on!
This sentence should be broken down really. You should end the first sentence after 'Ruby Sanders,' and end the second after 'groaned.' Otherwise, the pace is way too fast, and we haven't got a chance to take anything in. The rest of the paragraph could be kept as it is, although after explaining that they had been up all night, you should have modified the sentence. Instead of 'they had been up all night talking about their new high school, they were going there with their best friend, Danny,' you should have put something more like 'they had been up all night talking about the new high school they were going to with their best friend, Danny.'
This was good, but it needed changing slightly, for instance where you say 'Ruby’s hero was Stella Julianne, who was Professor Julianne,' you could simply say 'Ruby's hero was Professor Stella Julianne.' This makes it less long winded, and also makes it more effective (at least, it does to me!).
After 'trick' there should really be either a full stop or a ':', but that may just be pickiness on my part. The last thing about this paragraph that could have done with improving was 'Dear Adele Sanders and Ruby Sanders.' All you really needed to put was 'Dear Adele and Ruby Sanders.'
The rest of it was fine, and I generally enjoyed reading it. You say you're working on another, better version? Well, I hope you're able to post it at some point, as I think it would be really good. I hope you don't mind the comments, I'm just a perfectionist! It was still good, and I hope you post more!