The Real World (Chapter 1)

So Here Is Chapter 1 Of My Story. I Know It's Short And All But Yeah. Any Corrections Will Be Made ASAP!Your Reviews Matter And Thanks. Wait Should I Give You The Plot Now Or Do You Want To Wait....Doesn't Matter Patience Is A Virtue :D Also I'm Looking For Beta Readers So Please Me If You Want To Be A Beta Reader :)Special Thanks To RayHutch For Her Edits And Tips!

~Xiahou Zay

Sunrise:

The rain hit the window from my vacant room. It made a nice tune. The sun had risen about six minutes ago; the clouds were pink on the East and dark on the West. The sunrise was nice on the West coast. I better enjoy it while it lasts; it's probably the last time I'm ever going to see this beautiful sight. I'm leaving my hometown, Ventura, California, today. I couldn't sleep all night, so I stayed up, lifted up all the blinds and just looked up at the stars. I turned off my phone, laptop and lights. It's nights like these that make you appreciate natures beauty. The moon was bright; the stars were glistening like fireflies. Sunrise here was usually around five-thirty and my dad was supposed to pick me up at six. I stand up with my lazy bones and leave everything as they are right now. I turn on my iPhone and leave the room. I walked down the hallway and ended up in my dining room. It was also empty. I just ignored everything and I walked to the glass doors that lead to the backyard.

This is probably the most majestic sight I had ever seen. I looked over my backyard, which pretty much consisted of mountains and hills. It always takes my breath away when I see it. Especially during sunrise when the trees and grass are covered in dew and the fog bank is lifting giving it a peaceful, but eerie feeling. I walk myself to the bench that stands near the edge of the mountain. I sit down and just stare at what I'm leaving. I wish I could just climb it once more. But that was yesterday when I climbed it like for the 1000th time. I just had to take final pictures here, so I run inside and grab my camera and tripod. I ran back outside and set everything up. I set it far away from the bench so I could get a shot of the mountain and the bench. I tried to time it right; just about when the sun hit the top of the mountain. It took a while, but I took about 5 pictures.

"Nice job, Jasper." I jumped after the voice spoke, even though I knew who it was.

"Thanks dad." I said while I unscrewed my camera from the tripod.

"You ready to go?" he asks me.

"Yep." I take the camera and tripod. My dad’s name is Donald Pike, he is a tall guy with hair that's not long nor short, just the right length, but he keeps it "unstyled". He dresses like Rob Thomas, one of his favorite singers. I, for one, like Rob Thomas's music, but I believe he is the bigger Rob Thomas fan.

"You look tired? Did you sleep at all last night?"

"Yeah" I'm not the best liar but I'm getting there.

"Well, you can get some sleep on the way to Los Angeles Airport. We got to leave now if we want to make the flight to Milwaukee." he turned around and walked back inside. I nodded in response.

"And remember to leave the keys on the counter." my dad yelled from inside. I totally forgot about them. They were already on the counter if I remembered correctly but I went to double check just to make sure. I walked back inside and went to the kitchen.

Yeah, they were there. I saw the keys to my room. That one caught my eye move than any other. I had it made with a picture of the local beach during sunset. I took the picture and loved it so much that I had my key personalized with that picture on it. I couldn't just let some stranger get that key. Without hesitation, I took the key from the key chain and stuffed it in my pocket. I heard the front door open.

"Grab your stuff Jasper. Time to go." his voice faded and I hear footsteps leaving the house. I grab my tripod and camera and close the back door. I pack everything up and head to the car. Next stop Los Angeles.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
xiahouzay
Comment

@rayhutch thanks :) i never have time to read my own stuff, let alone write. thanks your edits have been made :)

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rayhutch5
Review

Hi Xiahou Zay! :) I really enjoyed this first chapter! I'm very interested to see where you're going with this story. However, I did see a few typos and confusing sentences.

The sun has risen about 6 minutes ago

Should be "had".
The clouds were pink on the west and dark on the west.

Did you mean to say, "dark on the east"? I'm just guessing since in the next sentence you mention a sunrise on the west.
Its probably the last time

Should be "It's". I saw a few of these, so you might want to correct them.
I couldn't sleep all night, so I stayed up all night,

It's not necessary to use "all night" twice.
my dad was supposed to pick me up at 6. I pick myself up

I would suggest changing "I pick myself up" since you say "pick me up" in the previous sentence.
I walked down the hallway and I was at the dining room.

This sounds a little weird. You might want to consider changing this to something like, "I walked down the hallway and ended up in my dining room." Just an example. :)
most majestic sight I ever seen,

Possibly you meant, "I had ever seen"?

These are just a few mistakes I noticed. I did see some more, though, so you might want to review this or have someone edit it for you. I would be happy to do it for you, if you like. :) If not, then that's fine. I hope you write more soon; I look forward to reading it! PM me if you have any questions! :) -Rachael



Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't.
— Bill Nye