Published April 8, 2008
I see him. I see him walk that line every day. You know, that line - the one that divides nations then rebuilds them. His fluid steps don’t fool me. I see him stumble and fall flat on his face every single day. No one else sees this, only me, and only when we’re alone. He’ll go to complete an innocent task, perhaps turn on a lamp, and I’ll see his mind sway from side to side – never settling – always swaying on that fencepost. A piece of wire will catch his eye, the gears will turn, and before anyone can blink he sprints to his room – emerging hours later with an improved version of the strobe light, or a theory for chemical immortality. The room will cheer and everyone will commend his genius – not even I could deny him that right. Before you know it, he’s slunk into his chair again – mind spinning (endlessly spinning), zoning out, an invariably apathetic look in his eyes. He’ll be as still as stone, but his mind will pick right up walking. Right down that line it goes. That line with no horizon. Falter too far to one side and his mind frame is at risk. He could become like them, he fears. Fall off the other edge, and everything is at risk: his future, his potential, his sanity. So I let him rest on that fencepost, and hope no one else sees this high risk persona – and pray he never realizes how thin his line is.
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140,925 Literary Works • 673,745 Reviews
Very nice, with minimal error. While this is both refreshingly done and origional, something about it rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it's the way that, though it's flash fiction, and purposfully obscure, I couldn't feel the story, if you know what I mean.
It was told through anothers perspective about a person, but I still felt little to no connection to either. It's like a picture of a beautiful person, but there's nothing in the eyes, nothing in the expression. It's blank, but still beautiful. I hope that makes sense.
The only suggestion I can give is add some body in it, like a racing heart or calm eyes, both of which are automatic visionary stimulants, and will help to put this a little bit more into the readers mind.
Over all, beautiful writing.
Keep up the good work,
-JC
Hello!
This is the only part I didn't like. It feels out of place because you don't really mention anything about the line before or after this sentence. Also, the "you know" gives it a conversational feel--I don't have anything against conversational feels, but it's just a bit inconstant because the rest is very formal and literary.Other than that, I have to agree with the others: this piece is very original and refreshingly done. It also feels like it is very meaningful. A agree with Alainna that you use dashes with annoying frequency, and you should do something about that.
I wonder, are you going to write more about this character?
Hope this helps!
~Azila~
I have to agree with Krupp. This is a very interesting way of revealing characteristics. A sort of Jekyll and Hyde. I liked the narrative a lot.
I think that you use dashes too much. Try using ellipsis as well to create emphasis and drama. Or even just use very short sentences etc.
Sorry that was a fairly useless critique; I could find no fault.
All the best,
Alainna
xxx
A clever way of revealing characteristics through the eyes of another...that was truly impressive. Short and simple; to the point. It had a great ring throughout the whole piece. I didn't see anything out of place in this. Nice work.