Stuck
in undercurrents of inevitable events.
While the surface is clean and tranquil
the fish in the depths are at risk.
A fisherman arrives,
deals an early end to an unsuspecting victim.
The creatures mourn their companion,
continue their daily swim against the current.
Swept up by the storm
a fish tries to go back.
Looking for something familiar
it swims around aimlessly,
nothing of the old life remains.
Fragments of seaweed are recovered,
they are merely mementoes.
Memories
from a much greater past
are all that have survived
the constant riptide.
The fish slowly swims away
still searching.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
[spoiler]Stuck I'm undecided about this word. It's not particularly elegant is it?
in undercurrents of inevitable events.
While the surface is clean and tranquil
the fish in the depths are at risk.
A fisherman arrives,
and deals an early end to an unsuspecting victim.
The creatures who mourn their companion,
continue their daily swim against the current.
This poem feels like a recitation, no connection between events. I'm trying to add them in.
Swept up by the storm
a fish tries to go back.
Looking for something familiar
it swims around aimlessly,
butnothing of [s]the[/s] old life remains.
Fragments of seaweed [s]are recovered[/s] float past,
they are merely [s]mementoes[/s] souvenirs.
Memories,
from a much greater past
are all that have survived
the [s]intensity of the[/s] constant riptide.
The fish slowly swims away
still searching.[/spoiler]
I like very much how the poem ended, it seemed to do a fine job at conveying the emptyness of the ocean, the vastness of the fish's world. I got a little tired of the repitition of the word "fish" however. Why not use the names of different types of fish instead?
Overall, quite good.