Conformity

Flowering and forming
to fit a set mold.
Stretching and squeezing
into an impossibly small space.
Frustrated, I strike my encasement,
the beautiful glass cage splits
a spider web of fractures
spread across the surface
until they are nothing more
than Earth’s personal reflectors.
The sun strikes the pieces
revealing the hidden spectrum.
This blossoming rainbow
contains more perfection

.. Wow. I can't say anything. I'm totally speechless. And I don't even know what the hell the poem's about So good though. SO GOOD. This is by far one of the greatest, simplest poems (that I've read on YWS. Gotta give Shel Silverstein props for 'simplest') I've ever read.

KEEP WRITING.

good poem.....but i dont get it.....

xhalcyonx128--


I see no substantial improvement with the changes you made. The problem still remains that there is not one thing remotely 'poetic' about this: it's prose broken into uneven verse, at best, and rehashed tedium at worst.

For instance, how many times has "the mold" been used in association with "conformity"?

So, put this aside for a few weeks, read and develop an ear for good poetry, and come back to this and quietly put it out of mind.


Best,
Brad

Thank you very much for the comments. I took the advice and added more detail, more showing and less telling. I decided to keep the last two lines, but I'm seriously consitering getting rid of them.

Meep: You're right, it was far too clique. I'm working on getting a better grasp on the interpretation.

Incandecence: I added detail, more show, and hopefully it is enough to make you care. If not, let me know, I have no hesitation to editing.

Amelia: I probably don't need the last two lines, and most likely my next edit will eliminiate that. For now I decided to leave it, until I think of ways to expand the idea overall.

You are in no way breaking the mold if you use the phrase "break the mold". Originality stems from finding new ways to describe things that are tired, from breathing life back into them. "Flowering and forming" is a good place to start, but what is the mold, exactly? Why does it exist? What is it made of and how does it break?

The last two lines shouldn't need to be there; the reader should be able to understand that from the previous lines of the poem.

xhalcyonx128--


This is all tell and no show. It is the distillation of an idea espoused by many New Age spiritualists and what-not ("The only perfection is imperfection," "Be whoever you want to be," etc.), and it isn't given to us in a way that might pique our interest or make us care.


All the best,
Brad

I like the idea, but it's not exactly a new one - nor did I find it particularly well worded.

Instead of going with the most obvious interpretation, try exploring what it means to be in the mold, or to break it. Explore why you say humans "need" inperfection - that, I think, was the most important part of the message (and also the most creative).

I liked it! My only comment is that I felt this line ruined your rhythm:

Frustrated, I strike the mold,
it breaks.

Frustrated, I strike the mold,
and it breaks [insert adjective].

it starts out sounding like a poem, but then begins to sound more like a not-poem, not sure what I mean but, I am very picky in good poetry. Sorry.

Good poem right here. i like how it can have so many interpretations. a bit short though, do you intend it to be short?