It was afternoon when Mella woke up. The alarm clock displayed that it was a quarter past one. She carried out her routine, but did not have the appetite to eat breakfast, nor lunch. She preferred a light snack, so she made her way into the kitchen. She watched her feet take steps across the floorboards; her footfalls made no sound at all.
Still dressed in a pair of gray-striped pajamas and fuzzy slippers, she opened the top cabinet and groped for a jar of shortbreads. Feeling the familiar shape of the jar in her palm, she picked it up and gobbled the contents inside.
She ambled into the sitting room, and her eyes rested upon the black bag. She stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed on her chest, eyeing the bag gingerly.
She found herself walking across the porch and tossing the bag into the bin. The shining white covering on the roofs and yards transformed the neighbourhood into a theatre backdrop. Though beautiful, the snow was crisp and sharp as it bit at her hands and the wind brushed her cheeks. The snow had ceased falling; only a heavy blanket was left of it.
Mella could hear the distinct sound of her ringtone coming from inside the house. Her feet took off into a light jog, up the steps and into the living room. The sound was louder inside the house, and it was coming from her room.
Eyes fixed on the mobile, she could hear the faint vibration as it quivered on the dressing table.
Although the casing was dented and the screen was scratched, the phone was still functioning normally. Clutching the phone in her right hand and observing the caller's identity on the brightly lit screen, she expected it to be one of her colleagues.
To her surprise, there was no name shown; an ordinary mobile number was displayed on the screen. Without further thoughts, she brought the phone to her ear and answered the call in a professional speech.
"Hello?" She tried her best not to sound shaky or disturbed by the sudden call.
"Your aunt is dead."
"Who are you?" she responded. She could discern that it was a male's voice, possibly a grown man.
"Your aunt is dead," the caller repeated.
"Who are you? Why are you calling me? How did you get my number?" she interrogated. The anonymous person had begun to raise her temper. He sounded like a bot.
Or was this a recorded message?, the thought occurred to her.
"Your aunt is dead."
Outraged, she ended the call with a tap of her finger and sat at the edge of the bed. It was definitely a trick to startle her. What other explanation could there be?
She refused to believe that her aunt was dead; she was very much alive and jolly with two children and a workaholic husband.
The last time Mella had seen her was six years ago; plump and wavy-haired, clad in mourning and a spotted veil for Patricia's funeral. She was a friendly 42 year old woman, but she could be easily steamed. Mella did not have a close relationship, but she knew enough as a niece.
She dismissed the call as a monotonous prank. Her relatives would've contacted her, in lieu of this unidentified man.
. . .
Mella cooked pasta for dinner. She sat cross-legged on the couch, a bowl in one hand and a fork in the other, the speakers blasting with the latest tracks. The music drowned out every other sound: the chirping of crickets; the barking dogs from the neighbour's backyard.
At 10 o'clock, she tucked herself into bed, the quilt pulled up to her chin, the room engulfed in darkness and tranquillity.
. . .
Mella woke up at exactly half past nine. She watched the news on the 40-inch television while eating a slice of toasted bread with peanut butter spread.
A handsome reporter came on the screen, gesturing to the cameraman to pan everything in sight. The neighbourhood seemed very familiar to Mella. The cameraman did as he was told. As he did a thorough pan of the area, she immediately recognized what it was.
"It was reported here early yesterday afternoon that a resident of Flamingo Woods was brutally murdered. The victim, Cecilia Havard, was stabbed three times in the abdomen and slashed across the chest. The victim laid undressed on the kitchen floor, as what our forensic team presume as a result of rape," the reporter briefed.
A feeling of horror crept up from the pit of her stomach. An icy wave embalmed her as the hair rose from the back of her neck and her mouth ran dry. She froze on the couch, her eyes widened, her grip tighter on the remote as minutes went by.
"Here we'll be interviewing the victim's husband, Lathan Havard," the reporter announced before he passed the microphone to a bony man; Cecilia's husband. His hair was brown and greasy, plastered to his skull in thin strips. He was trembling and looking down at his feet. The mike quivered as it fell into his grasp.
"So, where were you on the day of the murder?" the reporter queried.
"U-uh, I-I was in wo-ork as usual..." The camera zoomed in to Lathan's face as he quavered.
"What about your two children? Were they home with your wife?"
"Y-yes-s... wait, no-o, I dropped them off a-at a d-daycare centre bef-fore headi-ing to work i-in the morning," Lathan stammered.
"So, your wife was home alone?"
"Y-yes."
"All right," the reporter said as he snatched the microphone away from the man's trembling hands. "That is all for this report. We will be updating the case in an hour's time so that you—" he jabbed a finger into the camera. "— the audience at home— will be involved in this case as well. I'm Anderson Flynn, keeping you—"
Mella switched off the television before he could conclude his report. Before she felt her stomach-churning, she thought back to the call she received yesterday, and asked herself this one question:
Who is this man?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi there! I'm back for another chapter
Did I miss something? What exactly is in this black bag? And why is it important? I feel like it's something from an earlier chapter and I'm just forgetting about it.
Wow, that was tragic! First the mysterious phone call, then the realization that the man on the phone was telling her the truth. Crazy! I was actually expecting the man to have been telling the truth, but I didn't expect her aunt to have died so brutally. Again, I repeat, crazy!
Now, speaking of the phone call, I know Mella said her family members would've called if her aunt had died, which I totally agree with. So why didn't they call her? I mean, surely they'd have known before the news could find out, right? It just seems a bit strange to me. Then again, a lot of things seem strange so far and I have the feeling that we're going to find out why later on.
Just a nitpick here:
I don't think the reporter would specifically say 'your two children'. He'd just say 'your children' instead. You know how the news works. There's that bar at the bottom of the screen that gives you more information about the story. That's where the part about Cecilia having two kids would go. The reporter wouldn't say it that way.
Again, there isn't much else for me to say about this chapter. You should stop writing such good chapters ;P Let me know when the next one is out! I promise I'll review it on time ^_^
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hai, I'm back and let's skip the pleasantries. Pre-warning, as I go into each chapter, I get even more harsh. So I'm not holding back anymore.
'that' get rid of that. All it does it makes your show into tell.
Too many 'she's, remember the pronoun problem. Also, with the use of 'so' I think you can cook up a better word than so. Maybe 'as'?
She found herself? She's already walking isn't she, get rid of the unnecessary words.
The shining white what? You forgot something there. Ah, is snow isn't it. Don't know if shining white is the right description.
Yes, I'm know I'm a pedantic pirate, get use to it. I think you can use some better words here, knowing your past writing. 'Louder' could be 'nosier' and 'coming from her room' isn't exactly very specific. Show us. How is it coming from her room, how loud was it? Show us these things so we can get a clear picture of it.
Well this contradicts your previous actions, doesn't it? I mean, she just examined it for a few seconds and then when she saw there were no numbers, she just picked it up without a thought? I'd have at least expected some speculation from her part as to whom this might be.
Alright, I get it that she was outraged later on which is fine. However, I mean shouldn't she at least display some kind of shock, or anger at hearing this statement for the first time?
That's all the technical stuff for now, moving onto the content.
Content:
So, content-wise this is probably one of the best chapters because it did display quite a lot of action and the plot seems to be at a minor turning point. It didn't have as much filler as the last chapters. In fact, most of this chapter was pretty good except that I think you probably could have developed the scene between Mella and the first phone call a lot. Because you could have done a lot of characterization there, and also the conversation between Lathan and the reporter seemed very fishy. Maybe it was just me but Lathan just seemed so suspicious due to the way he was talking or perhaps this was your intention from the start. The only suggestion I would make for your future chapters is to actually get more to the point of the action than the process that leads up to it. I mean a lot of this stuff we know already because it was in the last chapter, so instead of basically recapping what happened just skip straight to the action and carry on.
Language and writing:
There isn't much to said, that hasn't already been said. Basically, the same old 'show don't tell', develop your actions and don't just jump from scene to scene. And try and avoid too much fillers.
Overall, I'm enjoying this, so keep it up!
-Laure
Your chapters are really coming in fast! Usually, to me, I believe a great chapter takes time, but honestly this defied my theory. It's really good, with a few errors here and there (though nothing serious), and you surely know what you're doing.
"It was afternoon when Mella woke up. The alarm clock displayed that it was a quarter past one. She carried out her routine, but did not have the appetite to eat breakfast, nor lunch. She preferred a light snack, so she made her way into the kitchen. She watched her feet take steps across the floorboards; her footfalls made no sound at all. "
Instead of saying 'breakfast, nor lunch' try using 'brunch'. This is an actual word, a mixture of breakfast/lunch, usually used when it's noon or so. Or at least, this was what i learned xD
Another thing is that I noticed an extended use of 'she'. I received a review on my chapter stating I constantly use 'he' and 'I', so you and I share the same problem. I have a few suggestions on how to write creatively without straying from the meaning.
"(...) Preferring a light snack, she made her way to the kitchen, looking down at her feet as she did so. Her footsteps made no sound at all."
"Still dressed in a pair of gray-striped pajamas and fuzzy slippers, she opened the top cabinet and groped for a jar of shortbreads."
The first half of the sentence has no connection with the second half, so the comma is misused. After splitting up the two sentences, write, "Opening the top cabinet, Mella groped for a jar of shortbreads." This reduces the use of 'she'.
"She ambled into the sitting room, and her eyes rested upon the black bag. She stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed on her chest, eyeing the bag gingerly. "
My version : 'Her eyes rested upon the black bag as she ambled into the sitting room. Standing in the middle of the room, her arms crossed on her chest as she eyes the bad gingerly.'
"Clutching the phone in her right hand and observing the caller's identity on the brightly lit screen, she expected it to be one of her colleagues.
To her surprise, there was no name shown; an ordinary mobile number was displayed on the screen. Without further thoughts, she brought the phone to her ear and answered the call in a professional speech. "
First paragraph conveys the meaning of her already looking down at her phone because you've written "...observing the caller's identity on the brightly lit screen, she expected it to be one of her colleagues." This gives the reader the impression that the number she saw (since now, the reader thinks she's already looking at a number) was her colleague's number.
Then in the second paragraph, it will confuse the reader. 'Wait, wasn't she ALREADY looking at the screen?' the reader will think. So this means you'll have to alter the two paragraphs.
"As she picked up the phone with her right hand, Mella expected it to be one of her colleagues.
To her surprise, however, there was no name shown; an ordinary mobile number displayed on the screen instead. Without contemplation, the phone was brought to her ear as she answered the call in a professional speech."
In fact, 'professional speech' isn't needed, since she was written as 'trying hard not to sound disturbed or shaky by the sudden call'. It brings the opposite meaning. To avoid complicating things, remove 'in a professional speech."
" "Who are you?" she responded. She could discern that it was a male's voice, possibly a grown man. "
I don't know, 'responded' doesn't actually sound right. 'demanded' perhaps? And the second sentences is uncalled for, it should be altered. When you write it that way, with the word 'possibly', it give the impression to the reader it was possible the person calling was a teen, or a boy.
'Easily, it was distinguished the voice belonged to a man.' sounds quite right to me. Simple, no 'she' and no doubts.
"The anonymous person had begun to raise her temper. He sounded like a bot. "
Possible typo here : her temper? his temper, maybe? Or did you accidentally write 'the anonymous person' when it was supposed to be Mella? I'm not sure.
If WAS the caller who raised his temper, he couldn't sound like a bot, could he? A robot keeps a calm voice on the same volume, saying her sounded like a bot and that he raised his temper are two different things.
"Or was this a recorded message?, the thought occurred to her. "
'was' must be changed to 'is'. It's complicated to explain but the tenses were mixed up a bit.
"Outraged, she ended the call with a tap of her finger..."
'Outraged' and 'Enraged' are two different things. 'enraged' means beyond angry, 'outrage' means something that makes somebody angry. Like, saying that anime is a cartoon: that is an outrage. xD
Anyway, replace 'out' with 'en' and that should be fine.
"...her grip tighter on the remote as minutes went by."
Her grip 'tightened' is what you meant to write. And, maybe 'as the seconds ticked by' sounds dramatic. 'Minutes' indicate the reporter didn't say anything for a while. I know it's just to emphasize a brief silence, but when thinking about it, the reporter doesn't stay quiet for two minutes. That's long enough to listen to a whole song of 'Applause' xD
The last line had an error with the tenses. Again, it's complicated to explain, but 'Who was that man?' might be what you meant.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I'm so jealous how your chapters are going so well on YWS T_T Again, I can't blame you. This was incredible!
Every chapter is full of suspense, every chapter is full of mystery. Yet, I don't know how, but the reader can totally relate to your characters life. Everybody sleeps, everybody eats, sometimes we all wake up at brunch. All these common events you've written down make people wonder, "how can something like this happen to an ordinary woman like Melanna?"
I also loved some of the paragraphs which were well-written.
"She found herself walking across the porch and tossing the bag into the bin. The shining white covering on the roofs and yards transformed the neighbourhood into a theatre backdrop. Though beautiful, the snow was crisp and sharp as it bit at her hands and the wind brushed her cheeks. The snow had ceased falling; only a heavy blanket was left of it "
That was so good, only you missed the full stop at the end xD that didn't bother me tho xD
"At 10 o'clock, she tucked herself into bed, the quilt pulled up to her chin, the room engulfed in darkness and tranquillity. "
It's a beautiful description. There is an extra 'L' in the last word, but I JUST noticed that. XD
" "It was reported here early yesterday afternoon that a resident of Flamingo Woods was brutally murdered. The victim, Cecilia Havard, was stabbed three times in the abdomen and slashed across the chest. The victim laid undressed on the kitchen floor, as what our forensic team presume as a result of rape," the reporter briefed. "
Now THAT is an excellent way of using professional speech! And you used it correctly too, given the person was a reporter. Very well done.
Congrats that people love your story! Including me. I'm jelly you're really good
~Brunnera
Hi there!
As for the "The anonymous person had begun to raise her temper. He sounded like a bot. ", It was not a typo at all. I was implementing that the man was raising Mella's temper, because he wasn't answering her questions and he was repeating the same phrase. I'll have to argue on this one.
Enraged and outraged, I guess I got confused between the two. >_<
WAIT I MISSED THE FULLSTOP?! WATWATWATWATWATWATWAT T.T I'LL CORRECT IT IMMEDIATELY gawd such embarrassment ;_;
Thank you for this kind review! I think I'm improving because there wasn't much correction given. xD I really appreciate your advices.
-Lisa
OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Now I get it! xDDD Lol I was so confused on that part. At least you clarified that. xD
You're welcome :3
Thewriter13 here to review another chapter in a wonderful novel!
I think you may need to add more description in your chapter. You have simple sentences and good word choice, but nothing super vivid. Try spicing up every paragraph with a few metaphors to add more feeling to what is happening. Such as this sentence:
"Outraged, she ended the call with a tap of her finger and sat at the edge of the bed. It was definitely a trick to startle her. What other explanation could there be?" Maybe write about how she feels more than just outrage. How angry is she? Does she see red? Just add more description if you wish.
Also for the word "embalmed": "An icy wave embalmed her as the hair rose from the back of her neck and her mouth ran dry." I never really have seen the word used in a sentence so I looked it up and I think you might need another word. Embalm means to preserve something. What do you mean when you use the word embalm? Maybe you could say "An icy wave shocked her..." or another word.
I do love the plot and the thrilling suspense you add at the end. I want to read more! Revise and keep writing! I'm very intrigued.
Hi! :3
Thank you for the advice. I'll try to describe more in the future chapters. For the word "embalmed", I've seen being used somewhere else but it goes along the lines of my description. So, I'm not quite sure about that. >.<
Thank you for the kind advice! I'm glad you're enjoying the story.
-Lisa