Night was soon to come, and it was already such an exhausting day for Melanna. Stars had begun to dimly pepper the night sky; the sun had long disappeared.
She slept for approximately four hours. Wrapped in a fleece blanket, she sat on the wooden rocking chair by the window, gazing at the night sky, engaged in a deep trance as the darkness spread like wildfire towards the horizon. The night sky appeared mysterious and eerie, but also cool and serene. She couldn't help but look at the dark sky above, and wonder if there is actually another life up there.
The clock was on the stroke of seven. She expected the cuckoo-ing to be ringing in her ears soon. She was prepared for the loud noise that frequently scared her. Now, she was sure it wouldn't. She placed an elbow onto the armrest of the chair, her chin supported by her palm. She looked groggy, or perhaps just lazy. The front part of the house was messy; the bags still in their positions by the door, her phone broken and its contents scattered beneath sofas and cupboards.
. . .
Outside the window, the road stretched before Mella like a pale highway. The moon hung just above the horizon, big and round like a disco ball. Its lustre was delightful, the color of milk in a deserted sky. The stars were still there, but not so many; most were hidden behind a layer of shredded gray clouds.
There was something not right. Through the years that she had been solitary living, there were absolutely no changes in her home. She sensed something unusual, a presence that altered something in her home.
An hour passed. Isn't there something peculiar?, she wondered to herself. Still seated in the chair, she glanced around her home, searching for that one unfamiliar object.
Her eyes rested upon the cuckoo clock. It didn't seem changed. It was the same functioning timekeeper that she had for almost two years now. Nothing was abnormal.
And then it struck her.
The clock hadn't been cuckoo-ing as she expected. For the past two hours, there were no cuckoos. The house was as silent as the grave. Puzzled, she squinted at the door where the saffron bird would normally emerge, anticipating for the bird to pop out any moment soon.
As time passed, her expectation wore away with it. She stood up and shuffled across the floor towards the clock in bewilderment.
Standing about seven inches away from the clock, Mella could discern the unique tinge of the bird's feather wedged between the two panels, the quill only visible. Biting her lip, she raised her arm and gently pinched the tip of the quill, careful not to tear the vanes apart as she slid it out of the tiny opening.
Her mouth was shaped a wide 'O' as the feather managed to slip through the narrow opening, the quill still between her fingertips. She wanted to gasp, but the sound could not escape her mouth.
To her terror, the supposedly saffron vanes were now stained an inky shade of coal-black, the shaft a dark crimson. The colours were mattified, so she assumed it wasn't a fresh blemish. However, the quill remained a bright yellow.
Only the quill was untouched. The doer made it seem that the feather was perfectly normal through the small space, but the other end of it was pure chaos. What lay beyond the door would be extreme stupefaction.
Mella's curiosity was rising in her, pumping through her blood. She had the desire to open the two doors and uncover what more was hidden...
. . .
The walls of the small space inside were seeped in dark crimson, giving it an illusion of a smaller room. The bird model was torn from its spring; its head and claws detached, the torso ripped open. There was nothing more than cotton stuffing drenched in burgundy liquid inside.
It was an absolutely strange day for Mella. Two animals, injured by abuse (even though the bird was just a model); this day couldn't get any worse, she thought to herself.
She picked up the clock from its hook and placed it into a garbage bag and tied the ends of it. She reconsidered going outside to take out the trash, but the silence and gloom had already engulfed her front porch. She set the bag aside, albeit rather slowly.
Gathering the lose parts of her phone, she hummed to a nameless tune. One by one, she inserted the contents back into its slot at the back of the phone. Feeling productive enough, she picked up the shopping bags and shambled into her bedroom.
. . .
The room was dim, lit only by the brilliance of the fluorescent lamp on the plaster ceiling. The walls were painted a mauve shade; the flooring was laminated wood. A queen-sized bed with a leather padded headboard occupied most of the space in the centre of the bedroom, leaving only enough space to fit a wardrobe and a dresser. Mella had a vast variety of clothing, most were leggings and crop tops. Her shoes varied from chucks and ballerina flats. Her collection of bracelets and necklaces were displayed on a jewellery stand on the dressing table.
The dressing table was never messy; it was only occupied by a small make-up organizer, a vase of flowers, and a few bottles of perfume. She hardly wore any make-up— she'd only apply foundation and concealer, and maybe a bit of coral lipstick to brighten up her look. Her face was like a plain canvas waiting to be painted.
The contents in the shopping bags were already assorted. Mella had folded the bag neatly and kept them in the drawers for further use. Most of the items she had bought in Brighton were Christmas tree decorations: snowman and Father Christmas ornaments, a Christmas Angel tree-topper, and some gleaming pastel baubles.
She proceeded to the living room with the assorted ornaments in a small cardboard box. The plain plastic Christmas tree sat at the corner of the open space, appearing unappealing to her sight. It was her first Christmas tree, her first year of celebrating Christmas alone. However, she was in her festive spirit, and she was not allowing the loneliness control the best of her.
One by one, she hung the baubles and ornaments on the branches, making sure that it wouldn't fall off easily. She walked in circles around the tree, draping the LED lights along the boughs. She saved the best for last. She dragged a wooden stool as near as possible to the base of the tree, and planted both of her feet on it. Affected by her height, she tip-toed and placed the Christmas Angel on the top.
She stood back in awe at the striking Christmas tree. It was a successful transformation. With her task completed, she could now relax for the week.
She trod to her room, but stopped at the doorway. Placing a firm hand on the frame, she eyed the garbage bag warily before she turned her back onto it and closed the door shut.
End of chapter
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
But none the less I am here to review!
Sorry I'm late getting to this. It was on my list and then it went poof and disappeared off my list
So if she's asleep, how exactly can she be looking at the night sky? I'm a bit confused by this part. I'd suggest throwing a sentence in there explaining how she woke up after those four hours or something like that. I just get the image that she's still asleep when I read this.
Again, I must praise you on your descriptions. Seriously, can you like, transfer some of your description powers to me? I have a terrible time fitting in descriptions most of the time. With yours I get a nice clear image of everything going on. There isn't a place where I'm lost or confused or wanting for something more. Kudos to you for that!
Uh oh, another animal attacked? :O I wonder what this could mean? I like how you're slowly adding to the action here. It's like you're building up to the main conflict of the story bit by bit. It's an interesting way to do things. I'm one to like having the action shoved in my face, but you've introduced me to a different way of doing things. And I'm actually enjoying it!
Alright, I'll go check out the next chapter now!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hai, I'm back again! I'm going to squash the technical and the content a bit in this review. So, let's go!
See the two bold lines? That have the exact same meaning, so you either keep one or the either. Not both. Thought I love the descriptions about the stars.
I find this sentence contradicts the above quoted statement. If is about to approach seven, wherever she is, even if it is in Winter I would say the sun wouldn't have been 'long disappeared'. When you said 'long disappeared' I thought it was about 9PM or something. So, make sure these loops holes gets patched up.
This is written in Mella's POV, yes? Then how could she look groggy, if this is from her POV.
^ Bad metaphor, a disco ball doesn't give off quite the correct image you want here.
Awkward phrasing of sentence, maybe try 'something was not right?'
^ that is a pretty queer simile. The grave implies a certain grave, and I don't know about using graves here as a simile. I think a graveyard is what you want, not just a single grave.
Ok, I found this part a bit unrealistic. I mean she just had two abused animals in one day, and her clock got deranged and her bird was also deranged and now she's just dumping it in there and humming? I'd have expected at least some reaction on her part, on how this affected her mentally and all. Not just dumping it in the bag and walking away.
And then we have the paragraph describing her room, I mean sure, I'd like to know what her room looks like because it reflects the type of person she is. But I mean do we really need to know what type of shoes she have? Or the contents on her dressing table or that the fact she never wore make up? I feel like, you're trying to fill in the spaces here and over-detailed her life. Because this kind of stuff isn't exactly crucial to the plot right now, it is good to know these things but just don't over stuff it because it can bore the readers.
The same with the shopping, we don't need to every single item she brought. I know I'm getting more and more critical as we move on, but that's only because I believed you can do better.
Proceeded sounds like something a robot would do, not a human being. Try and be more specfic here, how exactly did she move? Her posture?
Tow '-ing' words right next to each other, try and avoid this because it clashes with each other. Try something else her. Also, with the tree, do we need to know that is her first Christmas tree I mean, the message has already been conveyed through the next sentence that this was her first year of celebrating Christmas alone. This also contradicts the previous sentence, wouldn't she have celebrated Christmas before and hence, she'd had a tree before? Alright, I will skip ahead.
Content:
Hm, I don't quite know what to say about this chapter. It was going alright for the first half of the chapter, because you introduced a new tension point to the story, that her cuckoo clock had been messed with and whoever is doing this can obviously get inside her house. What I don't get is why you didn't go behind the scenes and exploit what she thought about the clock, because that was a great chance for deeper character development. However, you went on describing the clock instead so there's something you could chew on. What I don't quite get is why you spent the rest of the chapter showing us Mella putting up the decorations and what her bedroom looks like, I suppose that through the decorations that she treasures her family a lot however that was already shown in the first chapter. So, I don't really know what point you're trying to achieve here in this chapter. Besides adding the cuckoo clock.
Brunnera seems to have already pointed out a lot of technical details already so I'm going to gloss over them. Hm, your descriptions and language was good in this one too. Is just that i think you need to think about more carefully about where you want your actions to lead because right now except for the first few paragraphs the rest seems like fillers on describing her and her house. However, I'm still intrigued by this story. I will catch up to that chapter five soon~
Remember, keep on writing and never give up!
-Laure
Hi :3
I was trying to drag the chapter a bit, since what I wanted to write in this chapter was quite short, so I apologize for this.
It seems that I've got quite a lot of technicalities that needs to be improved. But, I think I'm slowly improving as I progress with the story.
Your advice is the best <33 Thank you for that. I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far.
Thankiew Laure! ^-^
-Lisa
You were really quick to post this next chapter! And I must say, since you said it was rushed, it's really good! Your talent still stood out.
On to nitpicks:
" She slept for approximately four hours. Wrapped in a fleece blanket, she sat on the wooden rocking chair by the window, gazing at the night sky, engaged in a deep trance as the darkness spread like wildfire towards the horizon. The night sky appeared mysterious and eerie, but also cool and serene. She couldn't help but look at the dark sky above, and wonder if there is actually another life up there. "
First line said she was asleep, and the following states she was gazing at the night sky. This confuses me. In the previous chapter, she fell asleep on the floor. You should describe that she fell asleep on the floor for about four hours before describing her on the rocking chair, instead of connecting them into one paragraph.
By the way:
" She couldn't help but look at the dark sky above, and wonder if there is actually another life up there. "
If you check the paragraph this sentence belongs to, you will see you've already written down she was gazing at the night sky, so there is no need for the first half of this sentence. The reader already knows she is looking at the sky, no need to repeat it.
"She placed an elbow onto the armrest of the chair, her chin being supported by her palm."
If you remove "being" it would be better. Adding that word confuses your past and present tense.
"Through the years that she had been solitary living, "
Above, it is incorrectly arranged. "Throughout the years she had been living alone," will be okay. Adding the word "solitary" sounds weird, you know?
"Still seated in the chair, she glanced around her home, searching for that one unfamiliar object."
Look at the last part of this sentence. Obviously, it's weird. Change it to "searching for anything out of the ordinary."
"Her mouth was shaped a wide 'O' as the feather managed to slip through the narrow opening, the quill still between her fingertips."
A mouth shaping an 'O' is usually to indicate the character is impressed or surprised in a good way. In my point of view, since the situation at this part is all suspense and full of anticipation, a simple, "Her eyes widened" would do well.
"The doer made it (...)"
Doer? This disrupts the suspenseful flow. "Whoever did it made it (...)" may be long but it sticks to the suspense.
" It was an absolutely strange day for Mella. Two animals, injured by abuse (even though the bird was just a model); this day couldn't get any worse, she thought to herself. "
"absolutely" is unnecessary. And the start if the second sentence, "Two animals, injured by abuse (even though the bird was just a model)" is not suitable. 'injured by abuse' is an understatement for the horrific way you described the first one. And although you have explained the thought through brackets, it is inappropriate to label the bird an animal since it isn't.
I honestly don't know how to alter that, but you need to alter it one way or another. My pathetic attempt is : "She had already seen two horrific sights (...)" so I think you can do better with changing that xD
"She picked up the clock from it's hook"
"it's" should be "its". It's slight, I know.
"(...) but the silence and gloom had already engulfed her front porch. She set the bag aside, albeit rather slowly. "
"of the night" should be written after "gloom", because if you leave it like that people will be all, "the silence and gloom of what?" And "albeit rather" is unnecessary in my opinion.
"Gathering the lose parts of her phone, she hummed to a nameless tune. One by one, she inserted the contents back into its slot at the back of the phone. Feeling productive enough, she picked up the shopping bags and shambled into her bedroom. "
To the best of my knowledge, "shambled" means walking awkwardly so it is best replaced with "ambled". Another thing is I noticed how weird this sentence was. I know you a refraining from starting the sentences with 'she' all the time, so here's my way of writing it:
"Gathering the lose parts of her phone, Mella hummed to a nameless tune, inserting the contents back into its slot one by one. As a feeling of productivity (or satisfaction, up to you) settled in her chest, she picked up the shopping bags before ambling into her room. "
"The room was dim, lit only by the brilliance of the fluorescent lamp on the plaster ceiling."
"only by the brilliance of" is not needed. Why is the fluorescent lamp...brilliant? Is it a chandelier? Well that's unlikely...unless if you want to write down a special paragraph just to describe the brilliance of this lamp.
"Mella had a vast varierty of clothing,"
Typo there xD
"The plain plastic Christmas tree sat at the corner of the open space, appearing unappealing to her sight. It was her first Christmas tree, her first year of celebrating Christmas alone. However, she was in her festive spirit, and she was not allowing the loneliness control the best of her. "
"of the open space" should not be there since the readers know she's in the living room, so naturally there would be space, and "appearing" is unnecessary as well. you ahve also confused your tenses slightly, so I will try to correct it xD
: "However, being in her festive spirit, she would not allow the loneliness to get the best of her."
"One by one, she hung the baubles and ornaments on the branches, making sure that it wouldn't fall off easily."
The last part of the sentence should be removed since they sound weird. Replace everything with one word : "carefully" and put this word behind "she".
" She walked in circles around the tree, draping the LED lights along the boughs. She saved the best for last. She dragged a wooden stool as near as possible to the base of the tree, and planted both of her feet on it. Affected by her height, she tip-toed and placed the Christmas Angel on the top. "
The last sentence says "Affected by her height" so it implies her advantage, so adding in "tip-toed" is unsuitable since it implies her height DISadvantage. And "planting both her feet on it" is awkward.
Here's my version:
"She walked in circles around the tree, draping the LED lights along the boughs. She dragged a wooden stool as near as possible to the tree and stood on it, placing the Christmas Angel on top."
..................................
Oh....damn. This chapter is full of tension. That's the beauty of it. The usual horror and anxiety was flawless! I can't believe this chapter was written so fast.
I also liked some parts of your imagery :
"The walls of the small space inside were seeped in dark crimson, giving it an illusion of a smaller room. The bird model was torn from its spring; its head and claws detached, the torso ripped open. There was nothing more than cotton stuffing drenched in burgundy liquid inside."
Professional description paints a clear picture in the reader's mind.
" Outside the window, the road stretched before Mella like a pale highway. The moon hung just above the horizon, big and round like a disco ball. Its lustre was delightful, the color of milk in a deserted sky. The stars were still there, but not so many; most were hidden behind a layer of shredded gray clouds. "
Although you've altered this, it still sounds wonderful and rolls off the tongue.
"As time passed, her expectation wore away with it. "
I really don't know, but I liked this phrase a lot xD
Overall this was another great chapter!
~Brunnera
Hi there!
As you mentioned, I think that it's quite confusing as well after reading it a second time. The second line was indicating that after she slept for four hours on the carpet, she sat on the rocking chair and gazed out of the window. If I'd corrected it to "She had slept", wouldn't it sound better? xD I'll correct it immediately.
I thought twice about the 'living solitary' one. I was really confused. Sometimes I switched to living solitary, sometimes to solitary living. I'll improve the next time.
When I wrote 'affected by her height', I was implementing that she was short, and it was a disadvantage, therefore I mentioned 'tip-toed'.
Thank you for the great advice! I'll correct what needs to be corrected. xD I'm glad you enjoyed it.
-Lisa
You're welcome x3