"Andrew, you have to get here fast! Please, please, please," my breath came fast and jagged. I was near hysterics as I clung to the phone and dial who I knew would answer.
"Clara, whats wrong? Is everything alright there?" Andrew's voice was alarmed and I could hear him running down the steps of his front porch to his car.
The truth was, I had a nightmare so real I woke up screaming. My parents were away for two weeks visiting grandma on the east coast. I was alone so all I said was, "Hurry."
What felt like days passed before Andrews car pulled up at my house. He found the spare key to let himself in because i was paralyzed with fear. I heard everything from the wind that came through the front door, to Andrew running up the stairs towards my room. Finally he reached my room and ran in.
"Clara, whats wrong? I'm here so you can tell me now," he rushed to my bedside to pull me close and calm me down.
"I'm all alone and I had a nightmare. It was so real and I didn't know what to do. I woke up screaming and called you," My breathing started to steady and I tried to remember what exactly happened.
With his arms still around me he gently whispered, "Don't worry Clara, I wont leave you until you say so. Can you explain what happened exactly?"
I turned to face him, his green eyes stared gently into mine. His brown hair was just under the moonlight and he gleamed. I gulped and continued, "I started dreaming and this guy, he walked into the house. I know because I can see everything through the window. I thought he was going to hurt me and he came upstairs. I was so scared I couldn't move so i just sat there and listened. His footsteps got closer and closer until my door started opening with a crack. I woke up right there and screamed. Then i called you."
"I wont leave i promise. Not until you say remember?" He looked at me so delicately, like a small frightened child. He ran his hand through my long and tangled brown hair, searching my wide child-like ice-blue eyes for something. Then he leaned his face towards mine and kissed me for the first time.
I stared back at him once our kiss broke. I thought I could finally sleep peacefully with him next to me but then i heard the front door squeak.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
This was a little strange because I didn't understand the context nor the ending. If there is more to this story posted, you should let people know and maybe that would alleviate some of the confusion. Make sure you capitalize the letter "i". Some edits I'd suggest making:
I think you could definitely separate the dialogue from the narration and make it into two different sentences. "My breath came fast and jagged" could stand on its own.
Comma after "alone."
"Andrews" needs an apostrophe to make it possessive and correct.
Same thing with separating this into two sentences.
Perhaps reword this if you can.
Ah, a catchy beginning and a suspenseful ending. I commend you on both, as well as on your remarkable use of dialogue. There is some nitpicking I'd like to get done:
I think you meant to make "dial" past tense, since that's what tense your whole story is written in.
I know it seems odd, but it's both possession and past tense. A really fine grammar point.
I just feel your writing flows a little better if you cut out the "so" and make two sentences.
You actually forgot to capitalize the i several times throughout the text; you might want to go back and look it over for lowercase i's.
Andrew's question (underlined) was not entirely clear to me. It was also unclear who was like the small frightened child. I'm assuming your MC, but I wasn't sure.
You've got a good story going here. I hope you plan to continue this piece. The only big suggestion I can make is enrich your characters a little more--more detail, more emotion, etc. Good job.