"Lexey! Lexey, wake up. Please wake up!" I heard someone calling my name. My eyes felt heavy on my face and I couldn't bring myself to open them. I wanted to see who was calling my name though. Maybe I'll just open them for a minute, I thought.
I slowly opened them and saw a guy. He had messed up, curly brown hair and these gray eyes that were beautiful. Once he saw I had opened my eyes, his brightened up almost immediately.
"Lexey, you opened your eyes! This is amazing," he said, reaching for my hand. My nails were painted with chipped green nail polish. I wonder when I did that. I looked around, and noticed I was in a hospital? Yes, I think a hospital. The walls were white and very plain, the bed looked like beds normally do in hospitals. It pained me to see all these machines at my side, looking like they were waiting for something to happen.
"Why am I here?" I asked this boy. My voice came out hoarse and unlike I thought it would. I wanted to know why I was here, what is happening and who he is.
"You're here because you are sick. Really sick Lexey," he almost started crying, his gray eyes glistening, teardrops at the brim of his eye. I don't get it, why is he crying?
"Who are you and why are you crying?" He looked up abruptly, and he looked really hurt. I remember something, his name. But I can't think of it.
"Brendan. My names Brendan. And you're Lexey. I'm crying because you are really sick and you're my girlfriend. I love you Lexey," he spoke in words and I knew he was telling the truth. Then it hit me like a softball. I remembered everything; Brendan and how much I love him and I'm sick. I have leukemia.
I sat up quickly, too fast and my head hurt. Brendan was there in a heartbeat and helped me. "Brendan, I remember. I have leukemia and I'm dying."
He looked in my eyes and I could tell it was true. I wonder what happened to put me here again because I couldn't remember that so I asked him,"What happened that put me back here?"
"You passed out, stopped breathing for a few seconds, I was so scared. We were just watching a movie and you passed out. You've been in a coma for three days. They said you might not wake up but you did. I knew you would. The doctor said you only have a couple more days though," he couldn't say more. His tears slid down his cheeks and I could feel tears form in my own eyes.
He went to talk through his tears, "Lexey, I love you. I won't ever forget your brown eyes and your short curly hair. Its beautiful. I remember when you said they were plain and your hair was generic, but I disagreed. I told you they were beautiful to me, and your brown hair was great on you. I remember."
That day, that moment... I remembered it like it was yesterday. "Of course I remember, I smiled so bright. That was the first time you ever kissed me. I don't want to die. I'm scared, so scared."
Brendan climbed onto the bed next to me, and wrapped his arms around me. "I am too. I want to make these days last."
"I do too. I feel it you know. I feel like I only have a couple of days. So make them last with me Brendan. I'm only 16 and I have leukemia. I'm scared Brendan and I love you," I looked up at him and he looked at me.
Before I knew it his mouth was on mine. His kiss was slow and passionate, his mouth gentle against mine. I wanted to stay here forever in his arms and keep kissing him. He was careful not to hurt me and I wanted nothing to end this kiss. But it did.
"Lexey, I love you," was all I heard before something took over my mind, and I couldn't stop it.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
General comments:
1) This doesn't go anywhere, but it might have potential. Make it a story, give someone a goal, let there be something to strive for.
2) What's with the ending? What happened? Something took over her mind. Just as soon as something interesting happens, you end the story. Keep rolling.
3) Work on your dialogue. Examples:
"This is amazing!" is rather silly.
"They said...your hair was generic." That's kind of...generic itself. Make it sound like something a highschooler would say as an insult.
"But I disagreed." Not a lot of heart in that phrase.
"I'm only 16 and I have leukemia." Unnecessary, really, to tell her boyfriend.
And you really need to cut down how many times you say "scared" and "love." I understand people talk about fear and love a lot near death, but it's not particularly entertaining to read. It's like how humdrum it is to read conversational pleasantries. "Hello." "Hello." "How are you?" "I'm good, and you?" "I'm okay. How's the weather?"
And use more contractions because that's how teens talk.
Now to pick on individual lines:
Watch your repetitions.
That's not a question.
Your description of the hospital needs work. How can something be "very plain"? And saying that the beds looked like beds was pretty silly.
Judging by the question itself, we know that she wants to know why she's there and what's happening. And judging by previous narration, we know she wants to know who he is. So nix that whole part about "I wanted to know..."
Again, stop repeating yourself.
That is probably the most UNDERWHELMING realization I have ever read. Really? A softball's impact equates leukemia's impact on a life?
Don't tell us. Show us. Did his face contort? Did his brow wrinkle? Did he punch a hole in the wall and vomit?
Again. Repetition.
Well, that's also pretty uneventful. I stop breathing for a few seconds every day.
Repetition.
Again.
So yeah. The end?
She's being possessed by a demon spirit, right?
So overall:
Think about how you can inject more personality into each of the characters. So far, all we have is 1) Girl has leukemia and is scared 2) Guy is sad and loves her.
Think about how you can put more power into your words. Completely rewrite things like, "Then it hit me like a softball."
Think about how you can show us their emotions and their confusions besides saying, "Why am I here?" and "He was hurt" and "I'm scared" BESIDES using simply tears.
Lemme know if you have any questions.
Sarg
I like this, but I think you should of made it longer, with more detail. This is also a very good story. I liked your story. Write more!