I agree with the others. (Basically, I bow down to Snoink.) Your poem came off just plain flat; I want to care, but I can't really find a reason to. It went in one ear and out the other, know what I mean?
SO! How can you improve this poem, and all your writing? Remember, everyone has potential!
Show v. Tell. Show more, rather than tell us everything. Snoink talked a bit about this. Showing is dreadfully important in all writing, especially poetry.
Cliche. Don't just use words and phrases you've heard a thousand times before, because that means your readers have also heard them a thousand times before. We as readers aren't reading your poetry to have overused expressions repeated to us. We're reading because we hope you have something new to say, so spend some quality time with your thoughts and your individual experiences.
Ambiguity. I'd also like to talk about ambiguity in writing. It's important to fully develop all aspects of your writing; in this case, you need to delve further into the personality described in this poem. "She's kind-hearted"...well, your readers aren't going to 1) believe you and 2) feel for her until you can develop her like a real person.
No real person can be completely contained by one all-consuming adjective, right? The same should be true for fictional characters, or real characters put into writing. People are complex; they are both inherently good and evil, they have an incredible depth of emotion...in short, ambiguity is everywhere. Your reader will not be able to connect to this poem until it incorporates that element.
Keep at it!
-Colleen
Points: 5890
Reviews: 758
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