Original Masterpiece

Hey there! I'm Arc and I'm here to review!

Okay, so firstly, put an age rating on this, because it contains a lot of foul language. Now, more on that foul language, I mean, I'm all for swearing in poems/lyrics, but as long as its done classily. These are just all over the place which make it really hard and unpleasant to read because there are just so many bad words. Used in moderation, they can be really good, but this sort of just ruins the piece.

Secondly, so instead of swearing 123456 times, maybe use some more interesting language to make it more interesting and original to read. Also, drop a few metaphors or similes in there because I think that that could make it really effective.

Lastly, I think you've got some interesting ideas and themes here which would be great to write a song about, but just don't use so much bad language, and make it nicer to read. You've got some good initial ideas, but it just needs some changing.

Right, I hope this helped! PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on something.

Keep Writing
-Arc

Hey Triple X!

My reviews tend to be mostly techincal/ grammatical, so forgive me if this gets a bit long or tedious...

It's not going to work, Your

~ 'it's' doesn't need to be capitalized, and this 'your' is supposed to be a contraction for 'you are' so it should be "You're" not 'Your'.

you lost your angle, now it's no good looking for secound best!

~ You missed capitalizing this line, and second doesn't have a 'u'.

To fucking bad!

~ Too, not 'to'.

but we'll see whose

~ This should be a contraction for 'who is', therefore "Who's"

when she's the reason you're fucking dead!

~ Wow, harsh... xD And you missed the capitalization at the beginning of the line.

I won't miss you, I won't fucking care

~ Won't, it's a contraction.

I hope your happy with your little doll
You're fucked up model of the original

~ Exactly backwards. The top should be 'you're' and the bottom should be 'your'.

Alright, the stanza starting with 'That fucking whore...and ending with fucking cunt!' is repeated 3 times, so I assume it's the chorus, and you have exactly the same errors in each. So just correct all of the issues I've pointed out, to save us both some time...

But i still drew your heart
You better cock the hammer bitch
you better fucking belive im running this show
your twisted little disguise
Now listen while i sing my sick lullaby

~ In order... 'I' is capitalized, your next two lines aren't capitalized from the beginning, and again, 'I' is capitalized.

i wanna see the look in your eyes
That says whoops mistake!

21 times. You used the word "fuck" or "fucking" 21 times. Now I'm no poet, but in any poem, I find it a bit annoying when ANY word is used more than ten times, setting aside words like "like", "as", "a/an", "the," and "it". but to use and reuse such profanity? It's just overdone. I'm not saying "oh you're to young to swear in such poems", because I really don't care. But you can easily get your point accross with using it maybe once.

I think you were trying to make the narrator seem proud, maybe even sophisticate, and you could have pulled it off. But your language just makes her seem angry and desperate and in some serious denial, as if she was reassuring herself that she was actually better. You'll notice that I don't care about the use of the word as a word, but as a poetic tool, I think you should do some serious editing. Also, I don't really care about grammar, but you mispelled a word. I remember you did, but I'm not going to go back and check which word it was, because I don't care.

About the poem itself though, you did get a powerful point accross, and for that I commend you for delivering the message. But I'm not sure if it was done on purpose, or it was just how the poem unfolded. You sent a very angry message. I don't know if that's what you wanted, so maybe it was. If it did what it was meant to do, then good job. But seriously, 21 times? Ponder this for a moment before writing another poem or lyric.