Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
I lie on the cold hardwood floor against the wall of my room, waiting to lose consciousness, hoping that just maybe this time I would not wake up??? I got hurt a lot worse than usual. My arms were bleeding and broken, my stomach was bleeding bad, a couple of my ribs were broken, my back hurt like hell any time I moved, and my head was pounding??? I was beginning to lose consciousness now??? maybe this time it really would be over??? Hours Later ???Michael, you have to turn her now, or she is going to die.??? Chris told him angrily. ???Michael, turn her now before she fucking dies!??? Katie yelled, tears rolling down her face. Michael Quinn looked down at his best friend. Oktobar was bleeding to death. She was going to be gone soon if he didn???t do something??? He wasn???t sure if that would be the best thing for her though??? Would turning into a monster be better than her dying? She couldn???t die??? He couldn???t let her die??? He couldn???t handle that and neither can Katie??? He grabbed the girl???s fragile bruised arm, and turned it over so her wrist was showing. He felt his breath quicken at the sight of the pulsing vein running up her arm, all the way to her heart. He could smell her blood pumping throughout her body. He felt his fangs come out of his gums and pierce his bottom lip. He could taste his blood, and it drove him mad. He bit down onto her wrist, feeling the vein break, and the delicious blood start pouring into his mouth. Michael drank and drank and he began to feel her pulse begin to slow. I heard Katie and Chris screaming at me to stop, and he thinks he even might have felt one of them trying to pull him away from her. He couldn???t stop though, it had been weeks since he had fed, and it was so good. It made him feel stronger, smarter and able to deal with more. Oktobar???s pulse slowed, almost stopped, and Michael quickly pulled back, and grabbing a knife cut his own wrist and pressed it to her wound, letting their blood mix. After enough blood has gone through I stepped back, looking over to Chris and Katie. Katie???s auburn hair was sticking up every which way, and her eyes were red and puffy, she was standing next to Chris with her head on his shoulder, fidgeting with her necklace and just hoping that her best friend would be okay??? I lie on the cold hardwood floor against the wall of my room, waiting to lose consciousness, hoping that just maybe this time I would not wake up??? I got hurt a lot worse than usual. My arms were bleeding and broken, my stomach was bleeding bad, a couple of my ribs were broken, my back hurt like hell any time I moved, and my head was pounding??? I was beginning to lose consciousness now??? maybe this time it really would be over??? Hours Later ???Michael, you have to turn her now, or she is going to die.??? Chris told him angrily. ???Michael, turn her now before she fucking dies!??? Katie yelled, tears rolling down her face. Michael Quinn looked down at his best friend. Oktobar was bleeding to death. She was going to be gone soon if he didn???t do something??? He wasn???t sure if that would be the best thing for her though??? Would turning into a monster be better than her dying? She couldn???t die??? He couldn???t let her die??? He couldn???t handle that and neither can Katie??? He grabbed the girl???s fragile bruised arm, and turned it over so her wrist was showing. He felt his breath quicken at the sight of the pulsing vein running up her arm, all the way to her heart. He could smell her blood pumping throughout her body. He felt his fangs come out of his gums and pierce his bottom lip. He could taste his blood, and it drove him mad. He bit down onto her wrist, feeling the vein break, and the delicious blood start pouring into his mouth. Michael drank and drank and he began to feel her pulse begin to slow. I heard Katie and Chris screaming at me to stop, and he thinks he even might have felt one of them trying to pull him away from her. He couldn???t stop though, it had been weeks since he had fed, and it was so good. It made him feel stronger, smarter and able to deal with more. Oktobar???s pulse slowed, almost stopped, and Michael quickly pulled back, and grabbing a knife cut his own wrist and pressed it to her wound, letting their blood mix. After enough blood has gone through I stepped back, looking over to Chris and Katie. Katie???s auburn hair was sticking up every which way, and her eyes were red and puffy, she was standing next to Chris with her head on his shoulder, fidgeting with her necklace and just hoping that her best friend would be okay??? I lie on the cold hardwood floor against the wall of my room, waiting to lose consciousness, hoping that just maybe this time I would not wake up??? I got hurt a lot worse than usual. My arms were bleeding and broken, my stomach was bleeding bad, a couple of my ribs were broken, my back hurt like hell any time I moved, and my head was pounding??? I was beginning to lose consciousness now??? maybe this time it really would be over??? Hours Later ???Michael, you have to turn her now, or she is going to die.??? Chris told him angrily. ???Michael, turn her now before she fucking dies!??? Katie yelled, tears rolling down her face. Michael Quinn looked down at his best friend. Oktobar was bleeding to death. She was going to be gone soon if he didn???t do something??? He wasn???t sure if that would be the best thing for her though??? Would turning into a monster be better than her dying? She couldn???t die??? He couldn???t let her die??? He couldn???t handle that and neither can Katie??? He grabbed the girl???s fragile bruised arm, and turned it over so her wrist was showing. He felt his breath quicken at the sight of the pulsing vein running up her arm, all the way to her heart. He could smell her blood pumping throughout her body. He felt his fangs come out of his gums and pierce his bottom lip. He could taste his blood, and it drove him mad. He bit down onto her wrist, feeling the vein break, and the delicious blood start pouring into his mouth. Michael drank and drank and he began to feel her pulse begin to slow. I heard Katie and Chris screaming at me to stop, and he thinks he even might have felt one of them trying to pull him away from her. He couldn???t stop though, it had been weeks since he had fed, and it was so good. It made him feel stronger, smarter and able to deal with more. Oktobar???s pulse slowed, almost stopped, and Michael quickly pulled back, and grabbing a knife cut his own wrist and pressed it to her wound, letting their blood mix. After enough blood has gone through I stepped back, looking over to Chris and Katie. Katie???s auburn hair was sticking up every which way, and her eyes were red and puffy, she was standing next to Chris with her head on his shoulder, fidgeting with her necklace and just hoping that her best friend would be okay??? I lie on the cold hardwood floor against the wall of my room, waiting to lose consciousness, hoping that just maybe this time I would not wake up??? I got hurt a lot worse than usual. My arms were bleeding and broken, my stomach was bleeding bad, a couple of my ribs were broken, my back hurt like hell any time I moved, and my head was pounding??? I was beginning to lose consciousness now??? maybe this time it really would be over??? Hours Later ???Michael, you have to turn her now, or she is going to die.??? Chris told him angrily. ???Michael, turn her now before she fucking dies!??? Katie yelled, tears rolling down her face. Michael Quinn looked down at his best friend. Oktobar was bleeding to death. She was going to be gone soon if he didn???t do something??? He wasn???t sure if that would be the best thing for her though??? Would turning into a monster be better than her dying? She couldn???t die??? He couldn???t let her die??? He couldn???t handle that and neither can Katie??? He grabbed the girl???s fragile bruised arm, and turned it over so her wrist was showing. He felt his breath quicken at the sight of the pulsing vein running up her arm, all the way to her heart. He could smell her blood pumping throughout her body. He felt his fangs come out of his gums and pierce his bottom lip. He could taste his blood, and it drove him mad. He bit down onto her wrist, feeling the vein break, and the delicious blood start pouring into his mouth. Michael drank and drank and he began to feel her pulse begin to slow. I heard Katie and Chris screaming at me to stop, and he thinks he even might have felt one of them trying to pull him away from her. He couldn???t stop though, it had been weeks since he had fed, and it was so good. It made him feel stronger, smarter and able to deal with more. Oktobar???s pulse slowed, almost stopped, and Michael quickly pulled back, and grabbing a knife cut his own wrist and pressed it to her wound, letting their blood mix. After enough blood has gone through I stepped back, looking over to Chris and Katie. Katie???s auburn hair was sticking up every which way, and her eyes were red and puffy, she was standing next to Chris with her head on his shoulder, fidgeting with her necklace and just hoping that her best friend would be okay???
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Howdy there!
I'm going to review this!
Firstly, please reformat this. It is very difficult to read. You need to create paragraphs. You can't leave it in a block of writing. I could sit here and paragraph for you but really it isn't a hard thing to do.
Okay, you need to remember full stops. This isn’t a question it’s a statement so get rid of the question marks.
Maybe you could extend your vocabulary. This seems like a weak sentence.
This is a very long sentence. Firstly your stomach wouldn’t bleed bad, it would bleed ‘badly’. It isn’t ‘any time I moved’ it would be ‘every time I moved’. I’m going to stop mentioning the question marks but you need to go back and edit this. You need to get rid of the question marks.
You need a capital letter at the beginning of a new sentence.
Just get rid of this.
The comma isn’t necessary.
You have got your persons muddled up. Are you meant to be using first person or third person? It’s confusing. You need to go through this and be ruthless.
You need a semi-colon here not a comma.
Have you checked through this? It’s ‘badly’ not ‘bad’. Okay, please check through this. You are making some simple errors. Your tenses are muddled up, your persons are muddled up and you’re making basic errors.
You’ve repeated it about three times. Please check this through, make corrections and then let me read it.
Wooooahhh, some big formatting problems here. DiskElemental is right that if you clean it up, you'll have a better chance of getting views. Especially since it's only about the fourth of the length it appears to be since you've copied the same paragraph in four times. Edit the three extras out, get the question marks to the real punctuation they're supposed to be, make paragraphs and line breaks, and you'll really be in business because everyone like reviewing a quick read.
First of all, I am intrigued when the first speaker says they were hurt a lot worse "than usual", because I want to know why this amount of pain is a regular thing for the speaker, what pain they expect, and what's gone over their usual amount. I'm upset that I never know who the speaker is, so I'd like that to get cleared up, too. Why do you switch from first person to third person to go further in the scene? What is necessary in the first / third that you felt the need to switch? It would be more powerful to stick with one, I think.
Secondly, you introduce like FIVE (okay, really only three or maybe four) names in about the span of a sentence and absolutely NO physical images for the reader to grab on to to sort out the names. YOU know who Oktobar and Katie and Michael are, but this is our first time seeing them, so give us sights or at least distinguishing characteristics / labels with which we can navigate the scene. Is Katie or Oktobar the hurt one on the floor?
Lastly, give us more of the feelings in this scene. Right now you have it all laid out pretty clearly, but it seems sterile. What's the smell of the blood? The texture? The consistency? And explore even deeper what it means to this character to be sucking the life force out of someone who I assume to be friendly? What does it feel like compared to the other time he's fed? More of the internal fight between letting her die and saving her would make the scene more poignant as well.
Reach deeper, and clean this up!
Let me know if you have any questions.
Good luck.
If you want anyone to even consider reading this, then put in some line/paragraph breaks and remove all the triple question marks.