Published March 30, 2007
I picked it up,
And quickly closed the freezer door.
An icy mist was already filling the room.
The tiled floor made my feet sting with cold,
So I ran out of the kitchen and back up the stairs.
I creeped into my brothers room,
And removed the heaped covers from his sleeping body.
He was snoring loudly and didn't suspect a thing.
A nervousness filled me,
As I slipped it down my brother's shirt.
I ran,
And ran and ran until I was safely behind the locked bathroom door.
Nobody could get me in here... I was safe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Meanwhile~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My brother awoke with a scream,
He looked around... but there was no one there.
He reached for the thing that had caused him so much pain,
And found in his hands... an ice lolly.
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141,247 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
I agree with Twit. It doesn't really read as a poem but more like a story. I love your creativity though, and I think the humor is perfect, as in you didn't push it too far.
-Tangerine
Interesting, and I found the ending funny.
But, if this is poetry, it ought to go more like a poem. Just telling a story and dividing it up into several sentances isn't enough.
Someone else will be able to give you a better crit, as my poetry writing skills are worse than a Vogon's, and my poetry critiqing skills are worse.
-Twit