Published March 23, 2007
It was heavy on my shoulders,
It's weight made me feel i was a tiny grain of sand,
Crushed by thousands of footsteps.
It tugged at my clothes,
I felt it ripping at me as if it was holding on for it's life,
Clawing me with cold, black fingers.
It surrounded me,
And i was overwhelmed by it's thickness
I slid into unconsiousness.
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Thanks, that was helpful. I don't really capitalize my "I" much because I don't really check for that but I will in future. I never noticed the pattern that you spotted in my poem, but the last stanza is meant to be a little different.
I liked the description, especially the bit about sand. I don't know if this was purposeful or not, but the word "I" is inconsistantly capitalized, so just pointing that out. Also, you should take another look at the "it". Maybe you could capitalize it as "It" to give more of a sense of.... entity (yeah, probably the wrong word)?
The first two stanzas seem to follow the pattern of:
line 1: what "it" does to you [the author]
line 2: how "it" affects you
line 3: why "it" affects you
However, the last stanza breaks this pattern, with the third line being a continuation of the second. I don't know if you intended it to be like this or not, but "it's" (sorry, couldn't resist) just something to think about.
Please let me know if this was helpful to you (I hope it was).
-Amelia