'Jumped'
Falling down and down
Head first, straight down
I spun as I fell
Seventh floor
fourth floor
Second floor
Concrete
A stain on the side walk
Forever I will be
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Ok, first off this is a great poem and I think it has a LOT of potential, but I have to agree with @Iggy. You need more imagery. Maybe instead of "falling down and down" you could have "flying, flailing, falling" to give a bit more pop and lose some repetition. You could add something like "the red bricks blurred" after "I spun as I fell" to add some imagery. Maybe "concrete rising up" would make more sense or "I hit the concrete". You also may want to add something about the narrator's last thought, or the emotions they're feeling, et cetera.
Hello dere :3 Willow here to review your work.
Let's start with the good stuff, shall we? Mkay.
Mentioned by Iggy and RoyalHighness, the last two lines were amazing! They just flew through my head, and I'm just like,"Wow." So, great job!
One nitpick:
"Head first straight down"
I really think you should add a comma in between head first and straight down. Otherwise it just seems... Well I don't know! :3
I really think you should add more description in this. It needs passion, it needs feeling, and emotion. Add some words to this, make it pop.
I spun as I fell
Seventh floor
fifth floor
Fourth floor
Second floor
This part seems like it just keeps repeating.
You may want to write it more like this:
I spun as I fell,
down the seventh floor,
the fifth floor,
fourth,
second.... then blah blah blah.
It gets kind of boring when you're saying "floor floor floor, oh, and floor!"
WELP, that's it from me!
~ WillowPaw1
*flails*
WHAT
RoyalHighness has arrived to review.
Well the ending of this poem hit me like a brick wall.
I agree with @Iggy about the beginning. It's not much of a hook, and it's a little bland.
But I like the repetition of ___ floor; I think it helps the reader visualize the falling, know what I mean? Like, I felt like I was bumping along with you. But then again, it made me feel like the speaker was falling down /stairs/ rather than off a building or something. So unless you want the reader to feel like they're falling down stairs, all choppy and such, I'd combine those.
I love the last two lines. What a game-changer. Fantastic!
Therefore I award you eight stars of ten! Great job!
Hello! Oooh, you mastered formatting on YWS. :O Cool!
Okay, let's break this down, line by line:
Err, that's a pretty awkward way to start a poem. How about "I jumped" so we know that it's the narrator jumping and we aren't confused? Also, what are they jumping off of?
Repeating "okay" three times, with them so close to each other, is no bueno. Mix it up! We understand that they're falling down, because one can't really fall up, so there's really no need to state it more than once.
Switch of tenses. Be sure to stick to one tense throughout the poem.
Can't you combine these? Find an easier way to connect them and make the flow smoother, instead of "___ floor, ___ floor, ____ floor..."
Okay. What about it? Be more specific.
The last two lines were awesome. I loved the mental image they brought into my mind. But that really was the only tidbit of imagery given here. I think you can do better with adding in more, so consider tweaking some lines and adding in some more descriptiveness to spice the poem up. Also consider adding in some insight and thoughts of the narrator -- this is obviously suicide. Why, though? What's the reason behind this?
But other than that, I think this was good for something so small. It can do with some more descriptiveness to make it more interesting, but it's still pretty good so far. It's off to a nice start, and if you do apply these changes, I think it will be even better. It was a nice poem so thanks for sharing. ^^
Nice poem.
I just kind of wish you added a little more about the things this character was feeling as he/she jumped. Were they scared? Were they happy it was all going to end? Things like that.
Otherwise good work.
7/10 Keep up the good work!
Just a quick comment... this poem is beautiful c,: