Hoping for a Miracle

Hayden was just only ten years old when his only brother was born. The baby’s cheeks all puffed and red like roses on that everyone enjoys. The day everyone gets together and share the most spectacular moments for this one time a year. Christmas. Adrian Lucius Ellis was born on the twenty-fifth of December, the day of Christmas, and the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ. Hayden was happy about having a brother. He felt like nothing could ruin his life… until a few days later, after the birth of his brother. Adrian always felt so sick, always ill. He couldn’t go to school or hang out with friends. He would always sit at home, sipping warm chicken soup and taking various kinds of medicines. Hayden felt despair, that if he lost his only brother, he could die. Ever since the day Adrian was born, Hayden loathed the day of Christmas, knowing that evil took Adrian’s pureness away. As Adrian slept everyday suffering as the sickness grew worse and worse… Hayden sat beside him every day, hoping for a miracle.

 

Seven years later.

 

Hayden sat on a wooden chair across from a single-sized bed that as three blankets across the bed. Hayden’s eyes were filled with tears as he stood up and walked next to the bed, seeing his only brother sleeping silently. “Adrian…” Hayden spoke with a husky voice, his lips were cracked and his eyes bloodshot. Hayden placed one of his hands onto Adrian’s cheek as he looked at Adrian. “Seven years and your sickness got worse…” Hayden got up and slowly left the room, leaving the door cracked just in case Adrian needed anything if he woke up. Hayden couldn’t help but think the worst possible things that could happen to Adrian. Would he die? Would he just only get worse and worse everyday of his life? He imagined the despair of his only brother, suffering from the sickness of never-ending torture. Hayden walked into the kitchen as he lifted up a glass full of hot chocolate, and sipped the delicious drink slowly. Hayden heard a squeak-like noise from the bedroom Adrian slept in. Adrian walked out to the kitchen as he looked up at his older brother, smiling weakly. “Hayden, why must I suffer? Why me, big brother?” Hayden’s eyes were filled with tears once again as Adrian asked that question, turning away from Adrian with a broken soul inside his heart.

 

Adrian grabbed Hayden by placing his hand on Hayden’s shoulder. “Where are you going?” Hayden’s heart stopped for a second as he turned to face Adrian, tears falling down against Adrian’s face. Adrian couldn’t help but think that he was just a bother to his older brother. Adrian stared at the ground, slightly upset as I turned to go back to his bedroom, then suddenly, he felt a warm embrace upon his body. Hayden was hugging him, with tears falling down rapidly from his face. “You need to go to the doctor… it’s been getting-“

Adrian pulled away from Hayden, his eyes in shock and fear. “No! Never!” Adrian stormed into his bedroom and slammed the door. Hayden stood there as he looked over on an end table next to the couch. A phone was laying on the end table as Hayden lifted it up in his hands. “It’s for your own good…” Hayden dialed the number to his neighbor, Doctor Benkins. He is the best pediatrician doctor, he would always care for the children, no matter what their situation was. As Doctor Benkins answered, Hayden explained the situation of his baby brother.  Hayden hung up the phone as he sighed softly, closing his eyes.

 

The next day.

 

Hayden came out of his bedroom as he yawned softly, walking his way to the kitchen. He heard a knock from the front door and immediately rushed and opened the door, seeing Doctor Benkins upon him. “Hello, I am here for Adrian Ellis?” Hayden nodded and welcomed Benkins in. “I’m sorry, my parents are out of town for the… ugh… Holidays this year.” Benkins nodded as he followed Hayden to Adrian’s room, where Adrian is fast asleep. Benkins started to examine Adrian as Hayden paced around the room, worrying. Benkins looked at Hayden with a sad expression on his face. Hayden knew it was bad news. “

 

“Your brother… has a chronic disease. He is reaching closer and closer to death as it is. I’m afraid he will die on Christmas day at the least, Mr. Hayden… I am sorry.” Doctor Benkins slowly walked out the room, and out of the house as Hayden looked at Adrian, knowing about what will happen.

 

Hayden wondered around the house, touching books on a bookshelf very gently. He sighed in depression and pulled one of the books out, and looked at it. It was titled ‘Wija’s Miracle’. “Wija… hmm…” Hayden opened up the book to the first page as the book started to glow. A beautiful enchantress popped out of the book, staring down at Hayden. Hayden was amazed by her appearance then suddenly; her beautifulness went away, revealing an ugly witch, according to his point of view. The witch held up one of her wrinkled fingers, pressing her finger against Hayden’s forehead. “You require help in order to have a healthy child, young man…” Hayden backed away from the ugly witch, staring down at her. “I can help you… but! It requires something… unpleasant.” Hayden looked at her with concern, thinking about if this is a way to help his brother, he will take that chance. “Who are you?” Hayden asked as he took one step towards her. The witch’s lips turned into a small grin, looking up at Hayden with her bright blue eyes. “I am Wija. An enchantress from many eons ago. I have helped many, including the one called Saint Nick.” Saint Nick? Santa? She helped Santa Claus? “You refer to him as Santa Claus, correct?” Wija looked at him as Hayden nodded slowly at her, surprised the fact she was being serious about this. Wija took his hand gently and closed her eyes. “Hmm… you have a good heart. I will help you on this situation, my dear boy.” Hayden’s lips turned into a small and weak smile.

 

“You require three objects in order to make your brother become healthy again… one, the blood of a pure lamb. Two, the dust of a fairie, and lastly… “ Wija held up a gingerbread cookie, that looked unusual than an ordinary gingerbread cookie. “This cookie contains ingredients that weren’t made from this world. Your brother must first, drink the blood. Second, shower in the dust. Lastly, devour this gingerbread cookie. Then, and only then, he will be well again.” Hayden looked confused as he shook his head out of confusion. “First of all, how am I suppose to find a “fairie” if they don’t exist?” 

“Ah, ah, ah. I will guide you to find the fairies, but before I can do that. You must first get the blood of a pure lamb.” Hayden looked at her then to the door of Adrian’s bedroom, knowing that he knows what he must do. “Alright. I’ll do it. Somehow, I trust you, Wija.” Wija’s body suddenly vanished as Hayden turned back around to face her. Hayden sighed softly as he went into his brother’s bedroom, where Adrian was sound asleep once again. Hayden lifted up his brother’s hand in his, and looked at Adrian with such sorrow in his eyes.

 

The front door opened as Hayden jumped up, seeing his mother coming inside the house, and going in the kitchen. His mother went into tears like she does every day when she comes home from work. Hayden walked up to his mother and hugged her gently as he rubbed her back. “Mother… I am going to find a way to help Adrian.” His mother looked at Hayden as she wiped her tears with a tissue she got from her purse. “I will…” Hayden had serious, yet calm expression on his face as he walked to the front door and opened it. He smiled weakly at his mother then closed the door slowly, beginning his mission to find a cure for Adrian.

 

At the Gregorbord Ranch.

 

Gregorbord Ranch, a wonderful place for animals to roam free and has care and love one hundred percent of the time. Various kinds of animals come from different places in the world, coming in all shapes and sizes. It was one of the nicest ranches throughout the state of Nevada. Hayden arrived to the ranch on his bike, carrying a satchel that hung across his chest. He wore his Alaskan boots with an aeropostal hoodie and his black beanie on his head. He noticed pure white lambs next to the building the person, who owns the animals, lived. He sneakily walked onto the ranch, considering the fact that he is on private land, and it was after five in the afternoon, which was closing time for the ranch. Hayden crept across the ranch as he got closer and closer to the house. Birds chirped, horses neighed, and cows mooed, but no sign of lambs just yet. He kept creeping quietly and slowly as he heard the sound of lambs. He saw small, pure white lambs lying on the grass, opening the gate as he took out a small bottle and a hunting knife. “Okay…” Hayden started to close his eyes and relaxed, then opened his eyes to see a lamb standing right in front of him. A baby lamb. “A pure lamb…” Hayden sighed softly as held up the hunting knife above his head then slit the lamb open, letting out a terrible cry from the lamb. Lights turned on from the building as Hayden grabbed the dead lamb and ran to the woods.

Hayden set the lamb down and took out the bottle, squeezing the blood from the lamb’s organs into the bottle. Hayden then closed the bottle and put it in his satchel. Blood was splattered all over his face and on his clothes. Hayden was covered in sweat and lamb blood as he started running home, forgetting about his bike. As Hayden made it back to his house, he hid on the side of it, so that his mother won’t yell at him about the blood stains. He took out the book from his satchel and opened the book, making the book glow once again. Wija came out of the book, glancing down at Hayden with a smile. “I am ready for the next task, Wija.” He pulled out the bottle of a lamb’s blood, showing prove that it is pure. “Good…” Wija lifted up one of her fingers as it glowed from the tip of her finger, creating a small dimensional portal. “You only have 30 minutes to enter the portal, get the fairie dust, and come back. When the 30 minutes are up, the portal will close… good luck.” Wija then disappeared in a flash as Hayden faced the portal. Hayden sighed and looked up at the portal intensively. “Well, here goes nothing.” Hayden jumped inside the portal, getting ready for the second task: gathering fairie dust.

 

~~~

 

Adrian opened his eyes and sat up on his bed, looking around his room. Adrian looked out to the door and got up from his bed, walking weakly outside his room. He noticed his mother cooking dinner, adding spices inside the pot on the stove. His mother noticed Adrian walking into the kitchen. ‘Honey, you shouldn’t be out of bed. What is it?” His mother walked over to Adrian, holding him to her body close. Adrian looked around the whole living room and kitchen area. “Where’s Hayden?” Adrian looked up at his mother as she looked away from him. “He’s… gone somewhere. He’ll be back.” Adrian looked down at his feet then out to one of the windows as snow falls from the grey sky. “Thank you, mother…” Adrian walked back to his room and noticed a bottle of a red substance sitting on his bed. There was a piece of paper attached to the bottle. Adrian lifted up the bottle and read the paper. Drink the pure blood of the lamb, and you will heal. Adrian looked out of his window to see if anyone was there, but there wasn’t. He looked at the bottle and opened it, smelling the sour and disgusting stench of the blood. “Drink the pure blood of the lamb, and you will heal huh…?” Adrian sighed and closed his eyes tightly, gulping down the blood pass his lips into his stomach. Adrian sat down on his bed, feeling a little better than what he usually was everyday. Adrian lied down on his bed and closed his eyes, falling into a deep sleep.

 

~~~

 

Hayden walked slowly throughout the area as he saw big waterfalls and grass greener than anything else. Something sparkled in front of him, it moved rapidly around Hayden. Fairies. Hayden got out a jar and slowly opened the lid. Fairies flew around him as Hayden jumped up to catch at least one of them. “Come on…” Hayden jumped again as the fairies fled across the grassy field. Hayden groaned as he ran after them while carrying the jar in his hand. Hayden leaped and caught one of the fairies in the jar as the fairie tapped the glass of the jar. Hayden chuckled softy and got up from the muddy ground. “Gotcha.” Hayden looked at the portal back to his home, which was almost closing. “Oh no!” Hayden started charging to the portal as the portal started to get smaller and smaller in the matter of minutes. Hayden reached out to the portal, pushing his whole body towards the portal, making him back to his home. The portal closed as Hayden got up from the ground, holding the jar with the fairie in it tightly. “Thank God, that’s over…” Hayden held up the jar and looked at the fairie, and smiled slightly at it. Hayden went inside his house, knowing that his mother was gone. He went into Adrian’s bedroom, noticing that he is asleep. “Okay… good.” Hayden walked quietly and slowly next to Adrian and poked three holes in the jar with the hunting knife he had in his possession. “Okay, fairie, do your stuff.” He turned the jar over and started shaking the jar carefully, making sure the fairie didn’t get injured. Dust came out of the jar and onto Adrian, throughout Adrian’s body. Hayden then opened the book once again, Wija appearing in front of Hayden. Wija looked over at Adrian and smiled innocently. “Good… now, let him eat this gingerbread.” Wija held out the gingerbread cookie as Hayden grabbed the cookie. Wija disappeared once again as Hayden shook Adrian to wake him. “Hey, Adrian… wake up.” Adrian’s eyes shot open and sat up, looking up at Hayden and smiled at him.  “Welcome back, Hayden.” Hayden smiled weakly and held out the cookie. “Eat this… I uhh… made it myself.” Adrian took the gingerbread cookie, and bit the cookie gently.

 

Hayden smiled brightly, knowing that his brother will get better. Adrian’s eyes widened and all of a sudden, Adrian started coughing harshly. Hayden held Adrian up, feeling confused. “A-Are you alright?” Adrian kept coughing until he was suddenly out of breath. Adrian closed his eyes, his face turned pale and so did his body.

“Adrian? Adrian?? Wake up!” Hayden shook him as the book fell on the ground. Wija appeared and stood beside Hayden as Hayden cried softly, realizing that Adrian is dead.

“Well, I guess you couldn’t save him after all. You forgot one last detail in order for him to be healthy again.” Hayden turned to her, feeling enraged as he grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her against the wall. “You lied to me! You set me up!!” Wija smirked as she pulled away from Hayden’s grip. “The last thing he needed was a human sacrifice. Didn’t I tell you that?” Hayden looked down and started thinking to himself. “Human sacrifice, you say…? Then I’ll be the sacrifice.” Wija smiled more and held up a golden dagger, laughing evilly. “You shall die in hell!” Suddenly, a burst of light shined the whole bedroom, showing a figure in the middle of the light. Came out a man, wearing a red suit, a red hat, and black boots. “Ho ho ho.” Hayden’s eyes widened as he heard the man’s voice, the man’s words. “Santa…? That’s impossible…” Santa glared down at Wija. “Well well, Wija. When we got divorced, I never expect you to stoop down this low to kill a child.” Wija snarled at Santa as Hayden stared at the two. “Elves, you know what to do.” Santa snapped his fingers as he turned to Hayden and smiled at Hayden. “Are you alright, Hayden?” Hayden nodded slowly and looked at Adrian, tears falling down from his eyes. Santa looked at Adrian also, and placed his hand over Adrian’s eyes. “

“Santa, what are you-?”

“Shh.” Santa silenced Hayden as he kept looking at Adrian. Everything fell silent, until Santa removed his hand, Adrian opening his eyes. “H-Hayden?” Hayden smiled big and hugged Adrian tightly, crying his eyes out. “I thought I lost you! Thank God, you’re okay!!” Santa smiled and turned to see Wija chained up by his elves. Santa then snapped his fingers, making the elves, Wija, and himself disappear.

 

On Christmas Day.

 

The Christmas tree was lit like the starry sky as presents covered most of the living room. “Boys! Time for presents!” Hayden and Adrian came out of their rooms, and ran to the living room. “Adrian, I am so glad you’re healthy again.” Adrian smiled as Hayden hugged him tightly and laughed with Adrian. Their mother smiled as their father came inside, wearing a military suit. The whole family hugged each other in one warm embrace, thinking that they’re glad that they hoped for a miracle. 

Comments & reviews · 3
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Elinor
Review
Elinor wrote a review · Sun Dec 30, 2012 4:11 pm

Hi there,

So, I would say the idea is interesting and it was enough to get me through the piece as a whole. I'm all for Christmas stories with twists, but I'm not entirely sure what you were going for here. The first few paragraphs started off innocently enough, and I thought that this was going to be a simple, character-driven story about Christmas. Then you start to get into supernatural elements.

First of all, what time period is this supposed to be set in? For whatever reason I'm imagining mid-1800s. Describe your world more! Right now, you just offer the barest elements (ie the house, the doctor's office). Really let your reader the place where you are imagining your characters to be.

Secondly, I don't think you establish the relationship between the main character and his little brother well enough to justify the second half. You tell us that he really loves his little brother instead of showing us. I'm not sure if I know any love between siblings is unconditional. I have an older brother- he's 21 and I'm 16- and while I love him and I know that he loves me, we definitely fight and have our disagreements. I find it a little hard to believe at this point that a ten-year old child would suddenly be open to the idea of being an older brother, let alone love the annoying, crying baby unconditionally. If you can give us a concrete reason why he would be, then I can find the second half a little more plausible.

I do think having him perform the awful deeds to safe his brother's life is the best part of the story so far, even though I'm not sure if it should be included, depending on what you want the message of your story to be (but we'll get to that later). At this point in the story, Hayden is 17, and has probably seen a lot of bad in the world as well as good. How, as an author, can you convince us that Hayden would plausibly go over the breaking point of what is acceptable and what is not?

You lose me at the ending. If you're going to go that path, go down it, and then don't cop us out at the end. I think that if you have him die, it would have a powerful and relevant message, although I'm not sure why the witch would conveniently forget to tell him he has to make a human sacrifice. If you go down that road, you should probably change the title. The way you have it right now is really cheesy. The main character doesn't learn anything, and all is set right, and Santa comes to save the day...to be honest, when I read that part it made this story lose a lot. Another thing that might be a good thing to do is to cut the supernatural subplot, have this be a sweet story about miracles.

I do think that you have something here that can be refined, so best of luck with your revisions!

Hi, I'm jhoi and I haven't reviewed in a while, but it's review day, so why not?

Hayden was just only ten years old when his only brother was born.

First thing I noticed was the wording. It's fine. But some of it is unnecessary. When reading you tend to skip useless words. What does "just" mean in this sentence? Is it necessary?
The baby’s cheeks all puffed and red like roses on that everyone enjoys.

*were all puffed - even then, word usage; "No one could resist pinching the baby's cheeks, puffed and rose red."
The day everyone gets together and share the most spectacular moments for this one time a year.

Syntax. Read the sentence aloud to get a gist of how awkward it is.
Christmas. Adrian Lucius Ellis was born on the twenty-fifth of December, the day of Christmas, and the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ.

You've established he was born on Christmas day, unless Jesus plays a primary role in your story later on, it's pretty much redundant information. Also, that name :/ Not very realistic.
Hayden was happy about having a brother.

The sudden change of narrator here is jarring. The reader is swung from omnipresent to character-orientated.
He felt like nothing could ruin his life -snip- Hayden sat beside him every day, hoping for a miracle.

This is phrased poorly. You make it sound as if the baby was sick, so he couldn't go to school. Babies don't go to school. You jump around time too much and need to make this a little more linear. Think of other ways to present information. Earlier you mentioned Adrian's cheeks were red; who red? Unnaturally red? "The redness of his cheeks, at first adorable, was an ill omen. Adrian, a gift given on Christmas day, was born sickly and weak."

I'll stop here and write a quick summary:

1) You need to work on your descriptive language. You have a good grasp of what you want the reader to see in their mind's eye, but you haven't quite figured out how to tease words into strings of delicious imagery.
2) You need to be careful with narrative voice. If it's from the point of view of Hayden, you should write as if from Hayden's point of view. It's jarring to weave from an all powerful narrator who knows everything, to Hayden.
3) You need to watch your linearity. Time indication only goes so far. Instead of jumping ahead seven years, why not just set Hayden on the quest immediately? Hayden doesn't act as if he's in his late teens, he acts as a ten year old. Which comes to my last point...
4) Rabble. Rabble rabble rabble. Rabble. Words when used correctly roll off the tongue; else they skittle off a tin roof and scatter into the night. Less is more; try condensing your ideas into neat and sweet paragraphs of information that burst like fireworks.

Hope this helps ^^
- jhoi

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ShadowsKittykat
Comment

Omg, thats really emotional, even made me cry in places. Great story, though you could deffinitly make it better. I suggest you look at punctuation and spelling. Even though you may have spelt a word correctly it still may be wrong, when writing check to make sure that you have the word that means what you want written. For example; won and one, because if you use the wrong one it can confuse people. And if punctuation isnt used properly then your sentences and even your story can end up not making sense. But i really enjoyed reading your story, i hope to read more.

S.K



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— Hank Green