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16+ Language Violence

Daddys Greif

by xMrsxFeelsPastax


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

(Hey guys quick note, I’ve been working on a really cool script and I won’t be posting it until next week, but I decided to share this. It’s about my OC Jasper, past I hope you guys like it. Also this is my other account. You can also follow me on wattpad MollyBrown 373







Narrator: When a man griefs, they drink. They believe that it's washing away the pain, but really there are making more. That’s just what Bruce Anderson believed, he believed that his wife was cheating. She never touched him like she used to, she never said I love you. She was always gone and never home and Bruce only thought of the worst. He drinks for his wife, he drinks for his son, he drinks for his sorrow.

Bruce: (Rasis a beer bottle to his mouth and drinks)

Narrator: As usual his wife was gone.

Bruce: (Throws the bottle at the wall)

(Bottle shatters)

Bruce: (Slowly gets up and makes way down the hall)

(Front door suddenly swings open)

(Kate enters)

Bruce: (Stops and looks back at Kate) Your home..where have you been?

Kate: (Ignores him and places keys on counter)

Bruce: Not talking to me again?

Kate: Why should I? There is nothing to talk about.

Bruce: There's a lot to talk about.

Kate: (Scoffs) Like what?

Bruce: (Makes way back to the living room) Like were your always sneaking off to.

Kate: (Takes off coat) It's none of your business where I go.

Bruce: It is my business…..i'm your husband.

Kate: (Laughs) Maybe you should act like one (Makes way down the hall)

Bruce: (Bangs hand on wall making Kate jump) Damn it Kate don’t walk away from me.

Kate: Don’t yell at me!

Bruce: Then don’t walk away from me when i'm talking to you.

Kate: (Turns around) I don't want to talk to you..I'm going to bed.

Bruce: (Looks at Kate full of rage) No you're not.

Kate: DON'T talk to me like that

Bruce: (Walks over to Kate) Like what?

Kate: Like that...ln a hateful tone.

Bruce: (Chuckles) Oh that's not hateful...not yet (Gets closer to Kate)

Kate: (Steps back) Get away from me you reek.

Bruce: (Stares at Kate for a long time then punches the wall)

Kate: (Screams) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Bruce: Damn it your my problem….WHO IS HE?

Kate: Who?

Bruce: Don't be stupid...the guy you sneak off to see.

Kate: What are you talking about what guy?

Bruce: (Rubs his head in annoyment) Kate drop the act.

Kate: What act?...there is no guy.

Bruce: THEN WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU GO...why else do you sneak out during the day and come home late at night...Jasper is always asking me where’s mommy? what am I supposed to tell him?

Kate: Don't you dare bring our son into this.

Bruce: Then learn to be a better mother.

Kate: (Looks at him intensely) I don’t have to put up with this shit (Turns around and heads to the bedroom) Goodnight.

Bruce: Is it someone at work?

Kate: I said goodnight.

Bruce: It is isn't it?

Kate: Damn it Bruce drop it.. there is no guy (Opens bedroom door)

Bruce: GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE (Pulls out a gun)

Kate: (Eyes widen) Bruce..put the gun down your drunk (Tears form in eyes) Think about Jasper.

Bruce: Oh I am...and I will tell him how much of a slut you are.

Kate: (Stares at the gun) I told you there is no guy..your drunk put the gun down.

Bruce: (Places finger on the trigger) I don’t believe you.

Kate: (Flinches) Take it easy okay ...you're not thinking clearly.

Bruce: (Laughs) Oh trust me I am thinking very clearly.

Kate: Why the hell do you insist that i'm cheating?

Bruce: BECAUSE KATE YOU NEVER TOUCH ME OR EVEN LOOK AT ME THE WAY YOU USED TO.

Kate: (Starts to cry) How can I...you turned into a monster look at you...I don’t even recognize you anymore..waving around a gun like a lunatic.

Bruce: (Scoffs) Really?… (Lowers the gun)

Kate: (Lets out a long breath and backs up into the room and quickly slams the door)

Bruce: (Bangs on the door) KATE OPEN THIS DOOR!

Kate: (Lets out a loud cry)

Bruce: (Bangs harder on the door)

(Door starts to crack)

Bruce: (Busts into the room)

Kate: (Screams and falls to the floor)

Bruce: (Grabs Kate by the hair and puts the gun to her head)

Kate: (Tears stream down face) Bruce please.

Bruce: (stares at Kate with bloodshot eyes) Go to hell you filthy slut (Pulls the trigger)

(Gun goes off)

Narrator: A hour later

(Door to Jasper's room slowly creaks open)

Bruce: (Sits in chair crying)

Jasper: (Enters the Living room) Daddy?

Bruce: (Jumps and quickly wipes tears) Jasper...what are you doing out of bed?

Jasper: (Climbs in Bruce's lap) I have a bad dream.

Bruce: (Weakly smiles) What was your dream about?

Jasper: Mommy.

Bruce: Your mommy?

Jasper: (Slowly nods) I dream she gots eaten by monster.

Bruce: What did the monster look like?

Jasper: (Looks at Bruce for a long time then points finger at him)

Bruce: (Eyes widen tears stream down face)

Jasper: Daddy why you cry?

Bruce: N-no reason (Hugs Jasper tightly)

Jasper: Is mommy home now?

Bruce: (Looks at Jasper sadly) Yes mommy is home.

Jasper: Is her sleeping?

Bruce: (Nods) Yes baby.

Jasper: (Smiles) Can I see her?

Bruce: (Rasis voice a bit) NO… I mean no...M-Mommy had a long day.

Jasper: Oh (yawns)

Bruce: Time to go back to bed.

Jasper: (Yawns and heads back to room)

Bruce: (Puts face in hands) Jasper wait.

Jasper: (Walks back into the living) What daddy?

Bruce: D-daddy's gonna go away for a long time.

Jasper: Why daddy?

Bruce: Causes he did something he shouldn't have.

Jasper: What?

Bruce: Daddy can’t tell you (Starts to cry)

Jasper: (tears form in eyes) But I don't want you to leave.

Bruce: Daddy has to...he's got to go.

Jasper: No

Bruce: (Holds both of Jasper's hands) Look at me..I want you to know that me and mommy both love you very much and no matter what happens we will always be with you.

Jasper: (Nods and starts to cry) But I don’t want you to go away.

Bruce: (Cries harder) I know baby I know (Pulls out the gun and places it in Jasper's hands) Daddy's gotta go now.

Jasper: (Tears stream down face) No daddy.

Bruce: (Puts Jaspers finger on the trigger and places head against the gun) Daddy loves you (Pushes Jaspers finger down on trigger)

(Gun goes off)

Jasper: (screams) DADDY (Shakes Bruces body) Daddy wake up…..(Cries harder) Wake up daddy….wake up….

(End)

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Mon Apr 24, 2017 6:27 pm
yoitsyoboy wrote a review...



Hello Mrs. Creepypasta

I noticed that you have quite a few errors here, in the speech and spelling, but I am terrible with this so I will not bash you for it. gramerly is the best place to go for proof reading. anyways i love this script its very dark and thats what I love about it. there is not that many dark scripts here. I can kind of relate to this story even though its so dark. loosing both parents over a drunk act at such a young age is so tragic.

"When a man griefs, they drink. They believe that it's washing away the pain, but really there are making more. That’s just what Bruce Anderson believed, he believed that his wife was cheating. She never touched him like she used to, she never said I love you. She was always gone and never (came) home and Bruce only thought of the worst. He drinks for his wife, he drinks for his son, he drinks for his sorrow."

I like this opening it lets the ready know whats going through his mind and how you see what a drunk is like. even though you left out a few words it was a nice read




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Mon Apr 24, 2017 6:20 pm
yoitsyoboy says...






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Wed Jul 06, 2016 1:37 pm
nwakaemechinonso12 wrote a review...



Scriptwriting is my field and i am here to review your script.

First and furmost, you need to be very sure that you want to write a script before you venture into writing. your idea and concept for the story is too myopic.

you need to know the rule of screenwriting - i just discovered that you don't know judging from your write up.

Hey guys quick note, I’ve been working on a really cool script and I won’t be posting it until next week, but I decided to share this. It’s about my OC Jasper, past I hope you guys like it. Also this is my other account. You can also follow me on wattpad MollyBrown 373 ( it is inappropriate to use "hey" that sound very rude to me and other readers.

Learn to respect your readers no matter your style of writing.

secondly: your script doesn't have scene heading.
The Scene Heading, sometimes called Slugline, tells the reader of the script where the scene takes place. Are we indoors (INT.) or outdoors (EXT.)? Next name the location: BEDROOM, LIVING ROOM, at the BASEBALL FIELD, inside a CAR? And lastly it might include the time of day - NIGHT, DAY, DUSK, DAWN... information to "set the scene" in the reader's mind.

The Slugline can also include production information like CONTINUOUS ACTION, or ESTABLISHING SHOT or STOCK SHOT. Here are examples of Scene Headings:

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - SUNSET
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS ACTION
EXT. KEY WEST MARINA - DAWN - ESTABLISHING
EXT. PASADENA - ROSE PARADE - STOCK FOOTAGE


thirdly: you did not edit your script properly, i noticed some grammatical error - that is too bad.

i think you have a lot to improve on.

work on yourself./

Thank you.




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Wed Feb 17, 2016 7:04 pm
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Pompadour wrote a review...



Yo, Pasta. Welcome to YWS~

I'm going to make this quick.

There's a typo in the title. 'Greif' should be 'grief'.

Thanks for mentioning in your author's note that this script is based off your novel--I would have been slightly confused otherwise. Even so, I'm going to be treating this piece as a standalone, because if this script was written for the intent of being performed, then it doesn't need to be dependent on any other written piece for explanation. tl;dr: it's a script, it should be self-explanatory to the audience viewing it.

My first critique is probably going to be on the lack of stage directions. Stage directions are important because not only do they give a general outline of the setting, but also provide the actors with a clear idea of what they're supposed to be doing, where this is happening, and have the added advantage of using action to give an insight into character. Mostly, stage directions are in brackets, and while it's pretty neat that you've given guidelines on what each character does in an orderly fashion, [e.g.: "Kate: (Eyes widen)"] there is a certain point where you have to cut down on the excess and give the actor some freedom. That is to say, if you've given someone a situation, there is no need to spell out each and every movement they make. Personally, I think it just weighs the moment down, and you need to draft out less of the tinier details and more of the actual information. Like, where is this set? What does the room look like? You don't need to overload us with information, but the playwright has the provide the actors with enough of the aforementioned to actually put together something solid.

Also! Generally, where stage directions are concerned, you do not need to mention the speaker in the same fashion as when you are writing dialogue (i.e.: 'Character: *dialogue*). Instead, simply placing the directions in normal, rounded brackets should suffice. Similarly, the formatting for dialogue in a playscript is different from that of a screenplay. So it really depends on how you want this performed. A really simple resource you could look at is this.

On technicalities:

When a man griefs, they drink.


~*grieves. Grief is a noun; grieve is a verb.

That’s just what Bruce Anderson believed, he believed that his wife was cheating.


~ Comma splice.

I don't like how the narrator has to explain this dude's Othello syndrome to the audience. It should be implied through the dialogue and the man's actions instead. The beauty in watching a story unfold before you is just that--/watching/ it happen. No one wants to be told about what a character is like when the same character is just as able to act it out before their eyes.

(Rasis a beer bottle to his mouth...


~ Typo: *raises.

Your home..where have you been?


~ ‘Your’ implies possession; what you're looking for here is ‘you're’, because that is a short form of ‘you are’.

There are several other tiny errors littering the piece; proofread this and I'm sure you'll spot them all.

The character development in this piece isn't up to par. It's already short, and the story does not tickle me in any way. It's not kind or unkind; it doesn't convey anything, because all we catch are snatches of 'this and that happened'. I couldn't develop a connection to either of the two characters and I found it hard to grasp their situation. So they belong to a poverty-stricken household? Has the husband always been like this, and shouldn't the wife be more weary of his abuse? Everything is so vague that I'm finding it difficult to make any judgements, and because I cannot understand either of the characters' situations or the emotional input into everything that has led up to this scene, I am entirely unaffected by what prove to be two absolutely futile deaths. To be honest, I'm more interested in the consequences of what just happened and how the kid, Jasper, was affected by this ordeal. (Where was he, anyway? If it's so late at night, how come he's allowed to roam out on the streets alone? These are gaps that need to be filled.)

This has the potential to develop into something interesting. Keep writing! Keep it up!

I hope to see more from you soon. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions~

~Pomp




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Tue Feb 16, 2016 5:59 am
Charm wrote a review...



Hey. I'm here to review.
First off welcome to YWS!
Second thing, this is not a short story but a script. If you go to edit then click publish it will show a option to fix the options for this work. There you can click script instead of short story.

Bruce: (Makes way back to the living room) Like were your always sneaking off to.
Where instead of were
Bruce: It is my business…..i'm your husband.
Bruce: Then don’t walk away from me when i'm talking to you.
Kate: Why the hell do you insist that i'm cheating?
You forgot to capitalize.
Jasper: (Climbs in Bruce's lap) I have a bad dream.
Had a bad dream
[/b]Jasper: Is her sleeping?[/b]
Is she sleeping.

Also side note:
When writing (this is one of my pet peeves) it is grammatically incorrect to write in all capital letters to short yelling. All you need is a exclamation mark.

I would recommend reading your work out loud.
I found it escalated a little too quickly.

Other than that I found it was good. Don't stop writing,
Rachel






thanks for the review, but I meant for Jasper's lines to be that way, mostly cuz children talk funny sometimes plus he is only 5. And yes I know this belongs in scripts, but I wanted this noticed and not a lot of people look at scrips.



Charm says...


Still changing this to short story isn't right because this isn't a short story. Also I understand that he is young but young children can still form basic sentences (that is of course if the adults around the child talk normally).




"The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein